I know a guy who knows a guy. Long story short, I got 18,000 Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads here, and I can give you a great deal on them. I promise you you're not going to find 18,000 Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads any cheaper than this. Go ahead and try! But don't cry to me when these are all gone by the time you come crawling back.
Boy, you sure got a lot of questions about why I have 18,000 Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads. Do you believe everything you read in the papers or on Penguins.com? I thought you were smarter than that. "Bobblehead shipment stolen"? A likely story. Who'd steal 18,000 Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads? Not me, I can tell you that much.
Look, the secret is buying in bulk. That's how I pass the savings onto you. I'm barely making anything on this deal! But I like you. You look like a guy who could use 18,000 Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads, and I happen to have exactly what you need sitting out back. I think we can do business.
Yeah, it's a bummer than Penguins fans won't get their scheduled giveaway at tonight's game. You couldn't pay me to watch the Sharks otherwise, am I right? But don't you worry your pretty little head about them—they'll get a voucher and be able to pick up their giveaway at a later date. What was the giveaway supposed to be? I don't know, I didn't read that far. Don't worry about it.
So my cousin Petey, he's driving along, and what do you know? Eighteen thousand Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads fall off the back of a truck in front of him. What is he supposed to do? So he puts them in his trunk and he drives home and he gives me a call and here we are, me with 18,000 legally obtained Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads just gifted from the heavens, and you with none, and I'd like to fix that for you, because that's the kind of guy I am. Cash only. No need to involve Uncle Sam in this, you know what I mean?
I know you'll find all sorts of uses for them. Graduation presents, quinceañera party favors, 50th anniversary gift. Looks great on the mantel, in the den, in your me-room. You'll be wondering how you even got by before you owned 18,000 brand-new, non-contraband, genuine bonafide Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads. All at cost, or close enough. You won't get a fairer deal than that.
Ah, you'll be back. This is too good a deal to pass up.
Hey, you! Yeah, you. You know about this Defector dot com? Great website. Lovely people. At least that's what I hear. You should subscribe. They're running a deal. First 18,000 new subscribers get a free Jaromir Jagr bobblehead.*
*Offer not valid in Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, or any party to the 1985 Vienna Convention for the Protection of the Ozone Layer.
