I can confidently say that no company's metaverse division has experienced more success than Defector's, and that's thanks in large part to the work of our Chief Metaverse Officer, Devin The Mixed-Reality Dugong. But a sirenian never rests on its laurels. The first rule of business is that when you succeed at making one kind of product, you have to expand into something totally different. It's for that reason that I proudly announce the new job title for Devin that better fits Defector's vision in 2024: Chief AI/Metaverse Officer.
What is AI? That's a great question, and to that I would respond by asking ... what isn't AI? Now that we've cleared up the confusion, I'd like to draw your attention to some comments made by Washington Post executives on Wednesday. According to them, the Post is about to immerse itself in artificial intelligence.
AI is a major component of the Post's internal strategy announcement today. WaPo's chief tech officer told staff that going forward, the paper has to have "AI everywhere in our newsroom."
— Max Tani (@maxwelltani) May 22, 2024
First of all, Washington Post CEO Will Lewis: Thanks a lot for stealing our proprietary strategic pillars! Second of all, you might as well give up now, because Defector is far outpacing the Washington Post in the AI space. On behalf of Devin the Dugong—whose contract, I'll remind you, contains the standard Chief AI/Metaverse Officer clause that says he never has to read or write anything—I am proud to announce DEVIN, Defector's first-ever artificial intelligence entity for blog generation. I've seen the future, and it's personalized blogs, just for you.
DEVIN stands for Defector Electronic Virtual Information Network. How does it work? Suffice it to say that DEVIN stores and analyzes the personal data of every person that has ever accessed the internet—supermarket purchases, dating-app swipes, that time you peed your pants in kindergarten—and, using its advanced intellect, DEVIN can then, at a moment's notice, write the exact blog that it knows each particular reader wants to see.
I've tested it myself. It's nothing short of revolutionary. And I promise you that all concerns you might have about privacy and technology have already been addressed. Here's a little FAQ to set your mind at ease:
What if I'm worried that Devin the Dugong might sell my information at some point down the line?
Don't be! We already sold it to some guys in Malta.
Couldn't DEVIN become incentivized to eliminate each of the site's human writers, one by one, until it completely controls every aspect of Defector, and therefore media as we know it?
Ha ha, that's quite an imagination you have! Stop watching movies right before bedtime.
Hey, uh, why hasn't Ray Ratto blogged in like two weeks?
Never heard of him.
I know you're all super excited to give DEVIN a spin, so I won't make you wait any longer. Click this link to read your own AI-generated blog tailored specifically to your interests. Welcome to the future!
