This Is Happening

Our idiot president now has COVID-19. He apparently first showed symptoms of illness earlier in the week, took a moment to mock Joe Biden for mask-wearing at the presidential debate on Tuesday, spent the middle part of the week in close proximity to as many people as possible, and now is COVID-positive, symptomatic, and holed up in quarantine with Melania, who is also afflicted.

You will be forgiven if you’ve spent a portion of the last 10 hours running all of this through your badly overused psyop filter. We live in hysterical times. The President’s Twitter account is used principally to share objective, provable falsehoods. If your first impulse, upon receiving any assertion of fact straight from the man’s toxic blowhole, is to assume the opposite, that’s probably smart and fine, as coping mechanisms go.

Certainly it beats the hell out of convincing yourself that Donald Trump has the 'rona in order to own the libs.

This is a decent litmus test for how full of worms your brain is, on October 2, 2020. The person on earth most responsible for the proliferation of the deeply insane and in many cases deadly belief that the coronavirus is a hoax cooked up by desperate liberals announced to the public Thursday night that he has contracted the coronavirus, is sick with it, and will be forced to quarantine, in the late stages of a re-election campaign. Do you find that you require further context? Are you grinding your gears to anticipate the social and political consequences of this announcement, trying to peer several steps down the line at how Trump’s flabby McFlavored body might handle this infection, measuring and assessing the political fallout of the corresponding logistical response from the Biden campaign, in order to resolve the matter of whether or not to believe what you have been told? If so, you have a very severe infestation of brain worms. Welcome to the club.

The next 10 days will determine an awful lot about Trump’s future, not just as President of the United States but as a person who is for now alive. He fits into several high-risk categories, as an old fatso with a horrendous diet and a famously unhealthy lifestyle. If you are hedging a little, waiting to see how the next 10 days go before deciding whether to believe that a pea-brained sun-staring manbaby finally got sick after spending most of a year flaunting his lack of caution during a historic pandemic that has killed over a million people, while touring a country with one of the worst outbreaks on Earth, you have a very severe infestation of brain worms. Welcome to the club. I am having shirts made.

There’s some rich irony in the inarguable fact that it was the persistent, determined failure of the federal government to provide even the merest token gestures of leadership, across the full and growing spectrum of urgent ills afflicting our wasted society, up to and especially including the need to form a coherent public response to a virus that is killing lots of people all the time, that created and nurtured the circumstances whereby the most powerful individual on the planet could come down with COVID-19 on October 2, 2020. If that leadership vacuum and corresponding directionlessness and all the trickle-down horrors have left you rattled and confused and looking to increasingly absurd and clownlike sources of information and comfort, several of whom have used the moment to tell you that actually this is all no big deal, and so you are having a hard time making sense of today’s news without understanding it as 12-dimensional chess being played by what is almost certainly one of the dumbest people in human history, you have a very severe infestation of brain worms, and while my particular brain worm club is not for you, it appears you’ve found one all the same.

But don’t let your incredulity slip over into recklessness. Donald Trump says he has the coronavirus. If you were planning to accept a big wet kiss any time soon from the shiny anus that is this man’s mouth, consider postponing. You would not want to get sick.