Hey, do you remember that hat you were telling everyone about the other night? The Jacksonville Jaguars hat? The hat that, when you put it on, instantly makes you get into a huge screaming argument with your girlfriend at an outdoor mall? The one that you said, when you once wore it while playing Madden, unlocked the ability to play as the late Steve Harwell from Smash Mouth? The hat that automatically turns whatever shirt you're wearing into a black tank top? You told me that wearing it was energetically the same feeling as buying a used Jeep that was somehow being sold to you by the "Salt Life" bumper sticker on that Jeep, if that helps. Yeah.
No, that's a different hat. That's just a regular Jaguars hat. This was different. If you said "Let me get the Bortles" at any sports bar in Duval County, they would bring you this hat full of curly fries and not charge you anything. You said that if you put it on, it would navigate you, like the One Ring, to a 7-Eleven and make you buy a 32-ounce energy drink. I remember you also said that it was "a hat that could believably have been worn by one of three or four characters who worked for Walter White." You were really clear about that. More than two, less than five. Yeah. Yes! The plaid one.
Or, hang on. No. That might be a different plaid Jaguars hat. Yeah, this one is also pretty sick. It definitely looks like something that John Daly would make his personal security detail wear while on duty. If you could make the concept of "governor's Top Golf ban currently on appeal to the state supreme court" into a hat, this would be it. It's something that Wes Borland would've given out as a groomsman gift.
But I'm pretty sure the one you had in mind was a different hat. Still plaid, still Jags, but not this. It was a little bit darker and somehow appeared to be even more poorly made. I know that doesn't really narrow it down. I remember you saying that it was so unsettling, at the most elemental level, that this ad wasn't even the most disconcerting thing on its product page.
Actually—maybe this will help—you said that the hat could be sold in a bag at Spirit Halloween as an entire costume, with the package labeled as "Party Promoter??" Right. Right. This is the one, right? I thought so. Anyway, don't you think $41.99 is too little to charge for something like that?
