In addition to running the pig skin, the main job of an NFL analyst is scouting. For me that means watching "NFL" Hard Knocks, a show that goes inside the mind of the competition. This year "NFL" Hard Knocks had a whole season about some guys at the New York Giants who sit around in their unremarkable offices and look at computers with lists of players on them. First of all: Don't care. Second of all: Hey, where did you buy those office decorations—Office Depot? Is this a glamorous professional football operation, or a paper company based in Scranton, Pennsylvania?
Let me tell you how I would decorate my office if I were to become the Head of Player Personnel for the Jacksonville Jaguar organization, something that many suspect is a distinct possibility. I would have a big office and in the corner is an ordinary-looking water fountain. When someone came in for a meeting I'd say, "Have a drink from my water fountain. Oh, but it's not water in there—it's Red Bull." I would have a water fountain installed in my office that shoots out Red Bull instead of water. That would raise a few eyebrows, I bet.
"Wow, very unique," my visitor would say. I'd keep on telling them to try it. "It's 10 a.m. A little early for Red Bull," they'd say. "Can we go over these free agents?" But I'd keep on pressing the point. "Try it!" I would demand, making the situation uncomfortable. To keep the peace, they would say OK.
"Wow. Yeah, tastes like Red Bull," they'd say, taking the tiniest possible sip.
"It is," I'd say. "Drink some more."
"I'm good," they'd say, but I'd keep on browbeating them and acting rudely until they really took a deep chug of that sickly sweet stuff. I'd make them really gulp it down. After an extended period of time, I'd say, gesturing to the special fountain, "You think they sell that at Office Depot? They don't."
Then my visitor would start to cry because he's the GM of the New York Giants and they just gave him a "basic" boring office, and it's in New Jersey (my office is in New York City because I negotiated remote work as a part of my contract).
"Welp! Let's get down to business," I'd say, smacking my hands down onto the desk and making a loud sound. "Let's hear about those free agents."
"So, the first guy is a wide receiver..."
"Hold on," I'd say, smacking my hands onto the table again, really loud, in kind of a disturbing move. "I'm feeling a little thirsty. Anyone know where I can get some Red Bull?"
[Pause for laughs]
Later that weekend when we lost to the Browns I think telling this story would take the edge off.
“Jaguars Junction” is an independent source of football analysis unaffiliated with any professional sports franchise.
