Report: Connor Stalions Was Low-Rated Online Seller Of Used Vacuums, Which He Stored On His Porch, Annoying His Neighbor Jeff

It turns out Connor Stalions sucks.

Stalions resigned from his Michigan analyst job last week, but the fallout from his sign-stealing operation continues. Michigan has attempted to deflect attention back onto Big Ten rivals, telling the conference other schools shared Michigan’s signals with each other. The end result of that alleged info-sharing is not much different than what Stalions did—but if the Wolverines are tattling on Rutgers, then clearly Michigan is flailing.

The mystery of Stalions continues to inspire top-notch journalism. This week, the Wall Street Journal’s Laine Higgins delved into Stalions’s background, his lifelong Michigan fandom, and his side hustle that involved selling used vacuum cleaners online. Per Higgins’s report, Stalions stored the vacuums on the porch of his $485,000 home in Ann Arbor.

How many vacuums do we think we see in that photo? I count at least 23, but I could be double-counting handles. I was not aware that one man could keep so many vacuums on his porch that I can not tell how many there are. This is the kind of American storage ingenuity that makes this country great, and also makes me understand why people choose to live in neighborhoods governed by Homeowners Associations. I couldn’t stop my neighbor from vacuum porch storage, but Stalions’s neighbors could. HOA rules prohibited running a business from the home, and the 23(?) vacuums on the porch were a pretty obvious tell. Stalions, though, thought it was all part of a conspiracy against him and UM.

“I suspect that whoever has chosen to sue me either 1. doesn’t like the fact that I am a veteran; or 2. is a Michigan State fan and knows I am a Michigan football coach and wants to draw my attention away.” He had one Spartans fan in mind—“someone named Jeff” who lived down the street and had a son attending Michigan State.

“He uncomfortably questioned me about Michigan football and what goes on in our building, giving me a bad feeling about him. He definitely seemed like someone who wants to distract me with unnecessary time-consuming things like this,” Stalions wrote.

Someone named Jeff! I really enjoy the idea that the Michigan football program would be ruined if Connor Stalions had to spend all his time fighting his HOA instead of updating the “Michigan Manifesto” and selling vacuums online. Speaking of that, Higgins also found out that Stalions was terrible at his side hustle. This is my favorite review:

Missing the entire base, it was supposed to be like new. But it was also filthy and the trash bin was caked in filth. Box also extremely damaged. I know accidents can happen, but out of thousands of purchases made just on Amazon. This is a first for me.

Think how many bad experiences you’ve had shopping online. There are scammers, inaccurate listings, shipping problems, etc. For this person, buying a vacuum from Connor Stalions was literally the worst experience they have had buying something on Amazon, a site riddled with scammers and junk goods.

The WSJ report led to more: Stalions’s business was incorporated as an LLC in Wyoming. The records list Michigan RB Blake Corum as one of the parties in the corporation. When asked on Tuesday if he had a business with Stalions, Corum was firm: “Heck no!” He said his lawyer was looking into it. To be clear, this is Michigan’s starting running back, being forced to deny that he resold vacuums with Stalions.

“That’s something I’m not really into,” Corum said of the reports of Stalions’ apparent vacuum cleaner business. “Vacuums aren’t my thing. I’m a clean person, but I’m not a cleaner. Vacuums aren’t my thing. I don’t know anything about that.” 

I’m with him. Vacuums aren’t really my thing either. That’s why my porch is filled with hundreds of brooms, ready to be refurbished and sold online. Maybe Blake Corum and I can start a little business together.