First, some good news: The Colorado Rockies got a big early homer against the Atlanta Braves Monday, off the bat of designated hitter Hunter Goodman. The Rockies had two men on, and Atlanta's Bryce Elder threw a big fat cement-mixer of a slider, and Goodman put some mighty wood to it. Rockies play-by-play guy Drew Goodman (unrelated) couldn't immediately accept that something had happened to cause the home team to have more runs than the opposition. Here is the proof:
Look at that sucker fly. A three-run dinger!
You can understand Goodman's tempered optimism: The man has been conditioned by 17 cruel years of covering this godforsaken team to anticipate negative outcomes, and this season is shaping up to be even more negative than most. For one thing, the Rockies struggle mightily to score runs. They presently rank third-worst in the majors in hits, and fifth from the bottom in walks. Also they lead the majors in strikeouts. Hell, since we're already on the road, we might as well see the sights: The Rockies have the fifth-fewest total bases, and only seven teams have hit fewer home runs. They have the league's worst OPS+, a gut-churning 71. Goodman's early tank was basically a divine thunderbolt. Imagine three runs scoring on a single swing! A miracle!
The going got pretty frustrating after that. The Rockies scattered some hits and walks over the following eight innings, but never did push across another run. “We got a couple opportunities for a hit to get us closer, and we didn’t do it,” said manager Bud Black, who has somehow neither been fired nor pulled his own head off after eight years of this shit. “That’s the big picture of this month that’s been the frustrating part, is the lack of the big hit when we do get a little bit of something going.” The Rockies so seldom get a little bit of something going, it is particularly painful each time those somethings wither prematurely and die. The team is fifth-worst in the majors at advancing baserunners, and third-worst in the majors by their percentage of baserunners who come around to score, per Baseball Reference. They could do more to help themselves—they also have the fourth-fewest stolen bases in baseball—but until they get better at getting on base, runs will be hard to come by. So far the only thing these Rockies do meaningfully better than average is being struck by fast-moving baseballs: They are currently tied for sixth in the majors in HBPs.
Unfortunately, the Rockies are also certifiably horrendous at pitching. Their hurlers have allowed the most walks and hits per inning in baseball, and have struck out the fewest batters. Only six teams have allowed more dingers. Ah, that's unfair, I was told the Rockies play their home games atop Mt. Everest, you are saying, wincing away from the hard truths like some kind of wimp. No! They authentically stink at pitching: They in fact perform better at their mile-high stadium both by WHIP and strikeouts per nine innings. By ERA+, which accounts for park factors, the Rockies have the fifth-worst pitching staff in baseball. They rank third-worst in fielding independent pitching; for good measure, they have thrown the third most wild pitches.
So it will not surprise you very much to learn that the Braves came back and won the baseball game. It's in the details where you cannot help but notice the specific cruelty of a cosmos otherwise largely indifferent to matters of baseball. These poor bozos have a hard enough time competing out there without the universe subjecting them to what cannot be mistaken for anything but rude pranks.
In the fourth inning, with the Braves within a run, Sean Murphy smoked a one-out single off Rockies starter Ryan Feltner. Michael Harris II followed with a roller to second base that became a fielder's choice, and subsequently stole second base. Here's where things got super messed-up. With two away, Braves outfielder Eli White squibbed a low 1–1 slider, sending it dribbling onto the grass at a pathetic 41 miles per hour. The ball was fielded by Rockies catcher Jacob Stallings, but White beat the throw to first for an infield single that MLB estimates traveled four feet. Harris II moved to third base on the play. The very next batter, Nick Allen, took an equally bad swing at an equally solid Feltner pitch and tapped it off the end of his bat, up the first-base line, this one at a comparatively dangerous velocity of 53 mph. This second consecutive miserable swinging bunt was fielded by Feltner, but in such a way that a throw was not possible; Harris II used the opportunity to scamper home.
With a combined seven feet of distance and a combined velocity that is two miles per hour slower than the average ball in play off the bat of Oneil Cruz, the Braves had driven home the game-tying run. To really make the point, the Braves scored the go-ahead and eventual game-winning run an inning later, when Ozzie Albies came around to score after getting on base with a dying duck of a fly ball to left field that dropped between three hard-charging Rockies fielders.
“There were some paper cuts there,” said Black.
The loss was Colorado's seventh straight. This is their third losing streak already of at least six games. At 4–24, they have the worst record in the majors by, well, an awful lot. They are today one of only two teams with fewer than 10 wins; their minus-72 run differential is 34 runs worse than the second-worst in baseball (Baltimore). Since 1900, only three other teams have lost 24 of their first 28 games. The Rockies do not play another team that currently has a losing record until June 2; in the month of May they have series against five different division leaders, plus the Padres, Diamondbacks, and Phillies. Unfortunately, from thinking about this insanely awful and doomed baseball team long enough to compose this blog, my eyes have clouded milky white and all my hair and teeth fell out, so I am going to walk away now.
