Hello, birds of the world! It is me, Kelsey. I am your friend, and I am worried about you.
Listen, I know that you are very beautiful, and very young. I know that you have the ability to fly, and that you love snacks. I know that baseball games have lots of snacks. But you must, must stop going onto or near the field at baseball games!!! It is not safe for you there!
How long do birds live? Between four and 100 years, apparently. According to a very reputable website (parrotwebsite.com) I found, it seems unlikely that birds get dementia, so I have to assume that those of you who do not know about this are simply youths.
This means that some of you, though probably not many, may remember what happened to the bird in 2001 who dared to fly between Randy Johnson and the plate. For those of you who do not remember (trigger warning), one of your bird brethren was smashed to pieces by the fastball Johnson threw. Just completely exploded.
This event was a warning, and you mostly listened. For 20-plus years, you have visited baseball stadiums, and eaten the fallen hot dogs, but steered clear of the field. I would recommend that birds, like people, stay behind the foul-ball nets. This is a safe place.
Recently, though, some of you have not. And that is why—with a heavy heart—I am forced to write this blog today.
Last week, Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Zac Gallen was warming up in the outfield when one of your friends darted in the line of his throw. The bird was struck by a curveball and died! Awful!
You may be thinking, Wow, Arizona Diamondbacks pitchers are doing murders against birds. They hate us!
But please, calm down. This is not a targeted attack. This is the risk you run when you come on the field. On Monday, Will Brennan of the Cleveland Guardians hit a ground ball and killed another bird! Why was that bird sitting in the infield? That's a terrible place to sit! According to ESPN, the ball (which came off the bat at 100.1 mph), "sent the bird flying" (a little disrespectful in my opinion), and a groundskeeper had to come retrieve the bird's body with a shovel.
Here he is, coming to get your friend (RIP!), and potentially you if you do not heed this warning.
You may be thinking, Wow, that's awful. I don't want that to happen to me! That is the right thought! No Cracker Jack scrap is worth your life!!!!
Even if the ground crew notices you, and comes to your rescue, they will still put you into a trash can to escort you off the field! Look at this image from when a goose landed at Dodger Stadium last October:
The goose is underneath that towel! How embarrassing!!!!
Please, do not go on the field. Stick to the stands, or better yet, the concourse. I have no problem with you watching the game, but please stay away from the field!
Please remember: Ball in the air? Stay away from there!
