If you've ever put anything inside yourself and gotten it out again without needing medical attention: Congratulations! Things went way better for you than they did for so many other poor souls. This is a tribute to American ingenuity, American perseverance, and above all else, American recklessness.
All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and always remember that a flared base is your best friend.
As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:
Ear
- BB SHOT FROM A DISTANCE
- "WAS SEEN FOR EARACHE BUT FOUND TO BE POSITIVE FOR COCAINE METABOLITES"
- INSECT
- CHARGER
- COMPUTER STYLUS
- CUFFLINK, "TRIED USING A KNIFE TO CUT IT OUT BUT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL"
- WET TISSUES IN BOTH EARS
- MONKEY NOODLE
- TWO EAR BUDS IN SAME EAR CANAL
- PLASTIC OWL
- PLASTIC SWORD
- LOLLIPOP
- THERMOMETER
- "MISTAKENLY USED SHOE GLUE INSTEAD OF EAR DROPS"
- LIGHTER FLUID
- AIR FRESHENER BEAD
- PIECE OF ICE CREAM CONE
- PUSH PIN
- "DOING MAGIC TRICK AT SCHOOL, PUT A PENCIL ERASER IN EAR AND WAS UNABLE TO RETRIEVE IT"
- GLOW STICK
- BATTLESHIP GAME PIECE
- CANDLE WAX
- "FRUIT FLY WAS ON HER HEADPHONE WHICH SHE PUT IN HER EAR AND FELT 'BUZZING', USED HYDROGEN PEROXIDE TO KILL THE FLY BUT WITH PERSISTENT BURNING/DISCOMFORT IN EAR, UNSURE IF THE FLY STILL ALIVE"
- ROCK
Nose
- GUM WRAPPER
- USED MATCH
- YARN
- CANDY HEART
- TIC TACS
- "SAYS HE WAS SMELLING A MAGNET AND IT WENT UP HIS NOSTRIL"
- RICE
- VITAMIN D
- "PUT A JEWEL UP NOSE WHILE MAKING A CROWN"
- POPCORN KERNEL
- GUMMY WORM
- "PUT AN LED LIGHT IN HER RIGHT NOSTRIL IN AN ATTEMPT TO PRANK HER BROTHER BUT THEN WAS UNABLE TO GET IT OUT"
- FLOWER
- ORANGE PEEL
- FISHING LURE
- GLUE
- PIECE OF COMPUTER MOUSE
- "A BOOK OR A BUG"
- DIESEL FUEL
- CHEESE
Throat
- STEAK KNIFE
- SMALL FLASHLIGHT
- SIM CARD
- GLUE STICK
- "THUMBTACK WAS HOLDING CURTAINS UP AT A WINDOW, PATIENT INHALED DEEPLY NEAR THE TACK & THEN COUGHED & SWALLOWED THUMB TACK, CONFIRMED ON XRAY"
- BINGO CHIP
- DOG TOY
- CAT TOY
- "EXPENSIVE COIN FROM COIN COLLECTION"
- INSULIN NEEDLE
- GOLF PENCIL
- STACK OF STAPLES
- MAGIC WAND
- 3 CIGARETTES
- "PATIENT SAYS HE FORGOT TO TAKE FOIL OFF FOIL-WRAPPED BURRITO"
- TEA BAG
- HAIR CLIP
- CANDY RING POP WITH PLASTIC
- "DROPPED HIS OTTERPOP ONTO THE FLOOR WHICH WAS COVERED IN METAL SHAVINGS FROM A DRILL PRESS, AND CONTINUED TO EAT THE OTTERPOP"
- VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER
- LASER POINTER
- YOGURT FOIL
- CRAB SHELL
- DRIED ORNAMENTAL GRASS
- DART
- GINGERBREAD MAN–SHAPED BROOCH
- "THREW THREE COINS UP INTO THE AIR AND CAUGHT THEM IN MOUTH AND SWALLOWED THEM"
- A SMALL KEY TO A DIARY
Penis
- CAR KEY
- WOODEN SPOON
- NAIL
- PENCIL
- "SOME BEADS"
- SEVEN-INCH SILICON TUBE
- PAPER CLIP
- COMB TEETH
- PIECE OF SOAP
- "CEILING FAN CHAIN IN HIS PENIS HOLE, STATES IT HAS BEEN THERE SINCE HIS SHOWER AT 9 LAST NIGHT"
- SCREWDRIVER TIP
- INFLATABLE SEX TOY
- USB CORD
- CELL PHONE CHARGER AND 14-INCH CORD
Vagina
- COIN
- SCREW
- "WAS HOLDING A PEN NEAR HER VAGINA WHEN THE CAP DISLODGED AND STUCK INSIDE"
- TWO PENCIL SHARPENERS
- BUTTERFLY CHARM
- DRINKING CUP
- BOBBY PIN
- GOLF BALL
- "FLASHLIGHT PLACED IN VAGINA BY PATIENT AT HOME BUT HAD NO INTENTION OF IT BECOMING STUCK"
- DRUMSTICK
- NAIL POLISH BOTTLE
- CAMERA LENS CAP
- UNSCENTED SOAP BAR
- PERFUMED SOAP BAR
- SOAP DISPENSER
- SPATULA
Rectum
- PLASTIC TOY FISH
- SMALL BIRD TOY
- SILVER MAGNET
- "SENT IN BY WIFE FOR POSSIBLE 16OZ GLASS BOTTLE IN RECTUM"
- SKIN CARE BOTTLE
- HAIR MOUSSE CAN
- PIECE OF A LAMP
- "'HANDMADE TOY' MADE OUT OF METAL"
- CUBE-SHAPED TOY
- CRAYON
- RATCHET WRENCH
- T-HANDLE WRENCH
- "SAYS WAS IN THE SHOWER AND FELL AND THE SHOWER STOPPER STUCK UP RECTUM"
- ACTION FIGURE HEAD
- ACTION FIGURE
- TOILET BRUSH
- "PATIENT COMPLAINING OF RECTAL PAIN. PATIENT ADMITS TO INSERTING SEX TOYS 6 MONTHS PRIOR"
- SPOON
- "VIBRATOR EGG, PATIENT NOT SURE IF PASSED IN STOOL"
- DEFLATED BALLOON
- FIST-SIZED WATER BALLOON
- VEGETABLE PEELER
- CROCHET NEEDLE
- FISHING POLE
- "PATIENT STATES HE HAS A BIG TOY STUCK IN RECTUM. PATIENT STATES HE FELL ON TOP OF IT."
- COMB
- FRAGRANCE BEADS
- REUSABLE ICE PACK
- GLASS BEER BOTTLE
- "HAD A FEW BEERS AND THEN PLACED A LONG WAX CANDLE INTO HIS RECTUM, LOST BALANCE AND FELL ONTO A COUCH AND LOST HOLD OF THE CANDLE"
- PILL CONTAINER
- COLOGNE BOTTLE
- PERFUME BOTTLE
- "SAYS GIRLFRIEND PUT VIBRATOR IN RECTUM WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP"
- BILLIARD BALL
- "PATIENT SAYS HE WAS PLAYING WITH A CONTAINER OF ATHLETE'S FOOT SPRAY AND ACCIDENTALLY IT ENDED UP IN HIS RECTUM"
- PLASTIC CANDY HOLDER
- PIECE OF BROOM HANDLE
- "PUT IN BUTT PLUG THEN FELL ASLEEP, NOW CAN'T FIND BUTT PLUG"
- STAINLESS STEEL ROD
- ICE CREAM CONE
- MONOPOLY PIECE
- "TWO POKER CHIPS BECAUSE OF A BET"
