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Year In Review

What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

Happy new year to one and all. Make a resolution never to do any of these things.

All descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

  • WAS WALKING WITH A CLIPBOARD PLACED BETWEEN HIS LEGS TO FREE UP HIS HANDS AND IT CLAMPED ONTO HIS LEFT TESTICLE
  • CLOSED PENIS IN REFRIGERATOR DOOR
  • WAS WORKING ON HIS DECK AND STEPPED ON A LOOSE BOARD AND IT SHOT UP AND STRUCK HIM ON THE SCROTUM
  • WAS HOLDING A DOG LEASH THAT RETRACTED AND THE HARD PART STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLE
  • USING WHEELBARROW AND WHEN TRYING TO DUMP IT OUT, IT TIPPED OVER AND HIT HIS SCROTUM
  • PUT HIS WEDDING RING AROUND THE SHAFT OF HIS PENIS. NOW HE CAN NOT GET IT OFF
  • HAS BEEN PRACTICING SELF-DEFENSE AND WAS USING A CAST IRON PAN AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY HIT HIMSELF IN THE RIGHT TESTICLE
  • CUT THE TIP OF HIS PENIS ON URINAL
  • WAS MASTURBATING BY TUGGING ON THE SCROTUM WITH STEEL WIRE RESULTING IN LACERATION
  • PATIENT STATES HE WAS TRYING TO CLOSE A LARGE DUMPSTER AND LID WAS STUCK SO HE CRAWLED UP OVER IT TO CLOSE LID AND WHEN HE MANAGED TO PULL LID DOWN IT CAUGHT TIP OF PENIS
  • PLACED THE HAMMERHEAD FROM A SLEDGEHAMMER AROUND HIS PENIS. WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE THE RING
  • PATIENT STEPPED OUT OF A TRUCK AND TWEAKED HIS BACK, THEREFORE HE TOOK A SHOWER AND WHILE TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE SHOWER HE HIT HIS TESTICLES ON THE SIDE OF THE TUB
  • PAIN TO TESTICLES WHEN HITTING SELF WITH DUST PAN
  • REPORTS HE WAS RIDING AN E-BIKE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO WHEN HE TRIED TO STOP BUT THE BIKE KEPT GOING AND THE SEAT STRUCK HIM IN THE SCROTUM
  • WAS BATHING WHEN THE SOAP SLIPPED FROM HIS HAND AND HIT HIM IN THE TESTICLES
  • DIVING INTO A POOL, HIS TESTICLES HIT THE DIVING BOARD
  • WAS CLEANING HEDGEHOG'S CAGE AND BEGAN EXPERIENCING TESTICLE PAIN
  • PATIENT STATES HE HAS BEEN DEPRESSED. ADDITIONALLY, HE WAS CLIMBING A FENCE WHEN HE SLIPPED AND STRUCK LEFT SIDE OF SCROTUM
  • PLAYING WITH A BALL AND HIS DOG AND DOG WAS TRYING TO BITE THE BALL AND BIT HIS PENIS
  • WAS PLAYING DODGEBALL TODAY WHEN HE WAS HIT IN THE GROIN AND SCROTUM WITH THE DODGEBALL, WHEN ON FLOOR IN PAIN WAS HIT WITH ANOTHER DODGEBALL AND CHIPPED TOOTH
  • PUTTING UP A TOWEL BAR AT HOME AND THE DRILL HE WAS USING HIT HIS PENIS
  • LACERATION TO THE PENIS AFTER WALKING INTO A FAN
  • WAS MASTURBATING WHEN HE FELL OFF THE BED WHILE MASTURBATING AND LANDED ONTO HIS PENIS
  • WAS RUNNING ALONGSIDE HIS BICYCLE YESTERDAY WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO JUMP ON IT BUT HE ENDED UP FALLING AND BIKE RAN OVER HIS GROIN
  • WAS USING A GRINDING WHEEL ON A PIECE OF IRON FENCE WHEN THE WHEEL JERKED SUDDENLY, TORE THROUGH THE CROTCH OF HIS PANTS AND INJURED HIS PENIS
  • PATIENT STATES HE WAS PEEING "IN A RUSH" AND THE ELASTIC OF HIS PANT SNAPPED BACK AT HIS PENIS
  • FELL DOWN 14 STEPS AND HIT HEAD, ALSO WITH IRRITATION TO PENIS
  • PATIENT WAS TRYING TO JUMP OVER A POLE AND DID NOT MAKE IT
  • REPORTS PARTNER PULLED ON HIS PENIS BEFORE HIS UNDERWEAR WAS COMPLETELY OFF AND HIS PENIS WAS JAMMED IN HIS UNDERWEAR
  • GOT KICKED IN GROIN DURING PILLOW FIGHT
  • WAS SHOT WITH A PAINT BALL GUN IN LEFT TESTICLE, WAS NOT PLAYING THE SPORT
  • PLAYING BASKETBALL WHEN HE ATTEMPTED TO DUNK AND STRADDLED THE BASKET POLE
  • WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL AND WENT UP TO SHOOT THE BALL AND WHEN HE CAME DOWN HIS SCROTUM IMPACTED A PENCIL THAT WAS IN THE POCKET OF ANOTHER PLAYER
  • WAS USING A CIRCULAR SAW CUTTING SOME FLOOR TILE AND IT KICKED BACK HITTING HIM IN THE GENITALS
  • WAS DOING THE LONG JUMP AND HIT PENIS WITH HIS FOOT
  • STRUCK TESTICLE WITH REMOTE CONTROL
  • IN HIS CLOSET NAKED, CLOSED THE CLOSET DOOR WHICH WAS A BIFOLD DOOR AND CAUGHT HIS PENIS
  • WENT TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE. AS THE COACHING STAFF WERE DOING "CUP CHECKS" TO MAKE SURE GROIN CUP WAS PROPERLY IN PLACE, PATIENT STATES HE FELT SEVERE PAIN
  • WAS USING A PENIS PUMP FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND PUMPED TOO VIGOROUSLY. NO OTHER DETAILS PROVIDED
  • STRUCK HIMSELF IN TESTICLES WITH VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER
  • PLAYING VIRTUAL REALITY GAME AND ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED HIMSELF IN THE PENIS
  • ADDED GASOLINE TO BRUSH FIRE, BURNS TO SCROTUM
  • WAS RIDING HIS BIKE WHEN THE HANDLE BARS TURNED 90 DEGREES AND HE FLEW OFF THE BIKE STRIKING HIS PENIS AGAINST THE BIKE
  • ROLLED OVER IN HIS SLEEP AND CRUSHED SCROTUM BETWEEN LEGS
  • GOT A CD STUCK ONTO HIS PENIS. WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE IT
  • WAS WEARING TIGHT PANTS YESTERDAY AND POSITIONED HIS PENIS IN AN UNUSUAL WAY
  • RIDING AN ELECTRIC UNICYCLE AND FELL AND THE TIRE MADE CONTACT WITH HIS PENIS
  • PATIENT STATES HE TIED A COTTON ROPE AROUND HIS PENIS 2 DAYS AGO IN ORDER "TO PROVE A POINT"
  • GOT KICKED IN THE GROIN TWICE WHILE PLAYING BASKETBALL
  • TRIPPED OVER LARGE DOG AND SMALL DOG STEPPED ON TESTICLES
  • SLIPPED ON DOCK TRYING TO EXIT BOAT, HAD ABOUT 6 BEERS, FELL FACE FIRST IN WATER, HAD GUN IN PANTS POCKET THAT FIRED. GUNSHOT WOUND TO PENIS
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