Happy new year to one and all. Make a resolution never to do any of these things.
All descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:
- WAS WALKING WITH A CLIPBOARD PLACED BETWEEN HIS LEGS TO FREE UP HIS HANDS AND IT CLAMPED ONTO HIS LEFT TESTICLE
- CLOSED PENIS IN REFRIGERATOR DOOR
- WAS WORKING ON HIS DECK AND STEPPED ON A LOOSE BOARD AND IT SHOT UP AND STRUCK HIM ON THE SCROTUM
- WAS HOLDING A DOG LEASH THAT RETRACTED AND THE HARD PART STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLE
- USING WHEELBARROW AND WHEN TRYING TO DUMP IT OUT, IT TIPPED OVER AND HIT HIS SCROTUM
- PUT HIS WEDDING RING AROUND THE SHAFT OF HIS PENIS. NOW HE CAN NOT GET IT OFF
- HAS BEEN PRACTICING SELF-DEFENSE AND WAS USING A CAST IRON PAN AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY HIT HIMSELF IN THE RIGHT TESTICLE
- CUT THE TIP OF HIS PENIS ON URINAL
- WAS MASTURBATING BY TUGGING ON THE SCROTUM WITH STEEL WIRE RESULTING IN LACERATION
- PATIENT STATES HE WAS TRYING TO CLOSE A LARGE DUMPSTER AND LID WAS STUCK SO HE CRAWLED UP OVER IT TO CLOSE LID AND WHEN HE MANAGED TO PULL LID DOWN IT CAUGHT TIP OF PENIS
- PLACED THE HAMMERHEAD FROM A SLEDGEHAMMER AROUND HIS PENIS. WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE THE RING
- PATIENT STEPPED OUT OF A TRUCK AND TWEAKED HIS BACK, THEREFORE HE TOOK A SHOWER AND WHILE TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE SHOWER HE HIT HIS TESTICLES ON THE SIDE OF THE TUB
- PAIN TO TESTICLES WHEN HITTING SELF WITH DUST PAN
- REPORTS HE WAS RIDING AN E-BIKE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO WHEN HE TRIED TO STOP BUT THE BIKE KEPT GOING AND THE SEAT STRUCK HIM IN THE SCROTUM
- WAS BATHING WHEN THE SOAP SLIPPED FROM HIS HAND AND HIT HIM IN THE TESTICLES
- DIVING INTO A POOL, HIS TESTICLES HIT THE DIVING BOARD
- WAS CLEANING HEDGEHOG'S CAGE AND BEGAN EXPERIENCING TESTICLE PAIN
- PATIENT STATES HE HAS BEEN DEPRESSED. ADDITIONALLY, HE WAS CLIMBING A FENCE WHEN HE SLIPPED AND STRUCK LEFT SIDE OF SCROTUM
- PLAYING WITH A BALL AND HIS DOG AND DOG WAS TRYING TO BITE THE BALL AND BIT HIS PENIS
- WAS PLAYING DODGEBALL TODAY WHEN HE WAS HIT IN THE GROIN AND SCROTUM WITH THE DODGEBALL, WHEN ON FLOOR IN PAIN WAS HIT WITH ANOTHER DODGEBALL AND CHIPPED TOOTH
- PUTTING UP A TOWEL BAR AT HOME AND THE DRILL HE WAS USING HIT HIS PENIS
- LACERATION TO THE PENIS AFTER WALKING INTO A FAN
- WAS MASTURBATING WHEN HE FELL OFF THE BED WHILE MASTURBATING AND LANDED ONTO HIS PENIS
- WAS RUNNING ALONGSIDE HIS BICYCLE YESTERDAY WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO JUMP ON IT BUT HE ENDED UP FALLING AND BIKE RAN OVER HIS GROIN
- WAS USING A GRINDING WHEEL ON A PIECE OF IRON FENCE WHEN THE WHEEL JERKED SUDDENLY, TORE THROUGH THE CROTCH OF HIS PANTS AND INJURED HIS PENIS
- PATIENT STATES HE WAS PEEING "IN A RUSH" AND THE ELASTIC OF HIS PANT SNAPPED BACK AT HIS PENIS
- FELL DOWN 14 STEPS AND HIT HEAD, ALSO WITH IRRITATION TO PENIS
- PATIENT WAS TRYING TO JUMP OVER A POLE AND DID NOT MAKE IT
- REPORTS PARTNER PULLED ON HIS PENIS BEFORE HIS UNDERWEAR WAS COMPLETELY OFF AND HIS PENIS WAS JAMMED IN HIS UNDERWEAR
- GOT KICKED IN GROIN DURING PILLOW FIGHT
- WAS SHOT WITH A PAINT BALL GUN IN LEFT TESTICLE, WAS NOT PLAYING THE SPORT
- PLAYING BASKETBALL WHEN HE ATTEMPTED TO DUNK AND STRADDLED THE BASKET POLE
- WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL AND WENT UP TO SHOOT THE BALL AND WHEN HE CAME DOWN HIS SCROTUM IMPACTED A PENCIL THAT WAS IN THE POCKET OF ANOTHER PLAYER
- WAS USING A CIRCULAR SAW CUTTING SOME FLOOR TILE AND IT KICKED BACK HITTING HIM IN THE GENITALS
- WAS DOING THE LONG JUMP AND HIT PENIS WITH HIS FOOT
- STRUCK TESTICLE WITH REMOTE CONTROL
- IN HIS CLOSET NAKED, CLOSED THE CLOSET DOOR WHICH WAS A BIFOLD DOOR AND CAUGHT HIS PENIS
- WENT TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE. AS THE COACHING STAFF WERE DOING "CUP CHECKS" TO MAKE SURE GROIN CUP WAS PROPERLY IN PLACE, PATIENT STATES HE FELT SEVERE PAIN
- WAS USING A PENIS PUMP FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND PUMPED TOO VIGOROUSLY. NO OTHER DETAILS PROVIDED
- STRUCK HIMSELF IN TESTICLES WITH VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER
- PLAYING VIRTUAL REALITY GAME AND ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED HIMSELF IN THE PENIS
- ADDED GASOLINE TO BRUSH FIRE, BURNS TO SCROTUM
- WAS RIDING HIS BIKE WHEN THE HANDLE BARS TURNED 90 DEGREES AND HE FLEW OFF THE BIKE STRIKING HIS PENIS AGAINST THE BIKE
- ROLLED OVER IN HIS SLEEP AND CRUSHED SCROTUM BETWEEN LEGS
- GOT A CD STUCK ONTO HIS PENIS. WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE IT
- WAS WEARING TIGHT PANTS YESTERDAY AND POSITIONED HIS PENIS IN AN UNUSUAL WAY
- RIDING AN ELECTRIC UNICYCLE AND FELL AND THE TIRE MADE CONTACT WITH HIS PENIS
- PATIENT STATES HE TIED A COTTON ROPE AROUND HIS PENIS 2 DAYS AGO IN ORDER "TO PROVE A POINT"
- GOT KICKED IN THE GROIN TWICE WHILE PLAYING BASKETBALL
- TRIPPED OVER LARGE DOG AND SMALL DOG STEPPED ON TESTICLES
- SLIPPED ON DOCK TRYING TO EXIT BOAT, HAD ABOUT 6 BEERS, FELL FACE FIRST IN WATER, HAD GUN IN PANTS POCKET THAT FIRED. GUNSHOT WOUND TO PENIS
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