The Tampa Bay Rays have no home. Well, actually they have a home but no roof, and as most of us understand the concept, a home without a roof is just an enclosure.
Hurricane Milton, the bastard that it was, tore the aged canvas-and-fiberglass roof off of Tropicana Field, the Soviet bunker–style home of the Rays since they were Devil Rays, and because the Trop is due to be replaced as part of our ongoing national stadium scam, there is no urgency to replace the roof or even necessarily play any more games on the grounds. It’s very much up in the air whether it will or even can be repaired for the 2025 season. As new stadiums usually need three years or so for construction (except for the A's, who have needed 19 and still don't have a hole in the ground), the Rays could be vagabonds through 2027, if not beyond.
The question of Whither The Rays, then, becomes a board game in the making—sort of like Risk but without the possibility of annexing Kamchatka (probably). Because no suggestion is binding, it is a game that doesn't need much by way of knowledge, practicality or research. Just throw out a location and let the suggestion lay there like an asthmatic carp, starting with:
Anywhere but Florida
This should be non-negotiable. The state has had its chance, 30 years of it, and the teams have proven to be exceedingly resistible to potential fans of the Greaters, Miami and Tampa–St. Petersburg. Sure, cheapjack ownership has contributed mightily to civic ennui, but neither the Marlins nor Rays have ever drawn even as much as 2,000,000 fans other than in their initial years and the rogue year of 2012. The people came, saw, and decided spring training is enough baseball for them. Lesson learned.
Oakland
This is mostly a sympathy vote for A's fans burdened by multiple decades of detestable ownership, and they have the decay-enriched stadium just sitting there, but Major League Baseball has never paid much attention to those fans and it is unreasonable to assume they might now. Like the Trop, the Coliseum has the mostly concrete motif you're looking for in a detention center, but Rays owner Stuart Sternberg seems dead set on not having to pay for the necessary vermin relocation.
Las Vegas
If Clark County wants baseball as badly as John Fisher pretends it does, it will take the first thing it can get its hands on; that's the Vegas way. Plus, imagining Fisher's hurt Hello Kitty face if that happens is absolutely worth the price of a new park even if no team ever gets there.
Sacramento/West Sacramento
Because it won't take long for the area to realize that housing the A's for three years is a lot less fun than it seems, and it already seems like a drag. There's also the fun of California's annual fire season, if your baseball has to come with natural disasters. If the Rays make the playoffs, they can't play there anyway because the stadium is an Easy-Bake Oven with beer kiosks, so there's that, too.
Chicago
Because the city deserves a second baseball team.
Montreal
Washington isn't likely to return the Nationals even though they're the Nationals. But Montreal cannot live on the Alouettes and youth hockey alone. A big plus: the anthem would be shorter, and over 81 home games that's about four beers’ worth of additional free time unencumbered by purely performative patriotism.
Quebec City
Just to piss off Montreal.
Mexico City
If you like Colorado Rockies baseball, and why would you, add another 2,000 feet of elevation. The massive increase in homers will be an exciting new sensation for the Rays, whose career leaders in dingers are Evan Longoria, Carlos Pena, and Aubrey Huff.
Portland
The city mentioned most often for expansion or relocation hasn't ever gotten close and probably won’t, but you've seen the Trail Blazers lately, right? The city imagines itself a "big-league town," whatever the hell that means, but if you have Powell's Books and The Sports Bra, you don't really need anything else.
Salt Lake City
Utah Baseball Club at Generically Named Hedge-Fund Weasel Park.
Cleveland
Bring back the Spiders!
Santo Domingo
It has hosted the Expos in the past, has a baseball history, and is a reasonable vacation spot—three things you can’t say about St. Pete.
Tashkent, Uzbekistan
Just to name a place that has never noticed baseball in any way and seems unlikely to in any generation's lifetime. It'll feel just like home for the Rays.
