“Michigan University” defeated Ohio State 30-24 on Saturday, thus freeing political prisoner Jim Harbaugh from the shackles of a three-game suspension and settling the dreaded Connor Stalions affair on the field, where all vital football matters ought to be decided. But before the Wolverines can snag a spot in the College Football Playoff, where they’ll attempt to make up for consecutive seasons of semifinal losses, there's yet another obstacle for them to overcome—perhaps the biggest ship they'll have to swallow.
For who’s that I see grimly walking through the fog in the distance? Is it… could it be...?
MY GOD, NO. That’s Kirk Ferentz! No one said that Michigan would have to stare down Iowa in the Big Ten title game! Is there no limit to God’s cruelty?
The formerly second-ranked Buckeyes have superstar wideouts falling out of their car trunk, but do they have tight end Erick All, who led all Iowa receivers with 299 total yards for the season? Do they have a certified sideline mastermind in offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz, whose offense ranks dead last in the FBS and who is already fired? Do they have a head coach as legendary as Brian’s father, who has not one but THREE Outback Bowl wins to his name? I don’t think so. Ryan Day might happily punt on fourth-and-1 from his own 46, but Kirk Ferentz will punt from YOUR 46. And what'll you do about THAT, Michigan? Cry?
I bet they'll cry. All Michigan people do is cry and practice law. But no amount of tears, legal wrangling, or clumsy sign-stealing will protect them now. Ask Nebraska, who had the Hawkeyes on their heels on Friday, only to have a clock mishap gift the Hawkeyes an extra 12 seconds on the clock—just enough time for them to kick the game-winning field goal. For Cornhuskers head coach Matt Rhule, the loss counted among history's greatest sacrifices. "Sometimes the first people to do things don't get to see the results," he said after the game. "The first people to storm the beach at Normandy, the first explorers—you don't always get to see the end result." Maybe these Hawkeyes will be defeated one day, but not without great loss.
Don’t think you’re in the clear just yet, Michigan. Similar casualties may await you. Iowa and the first bend-but-don’t-break offense in football history stand ready. How will the Hawkeyes crush your hopes and dreams? Will it happen on a three-yard pass to the tight end on third-and-5, or when the offense dials up one of its signature “flea flickers”? The only certainly is that it will be slow and painful. Mostly slow.
