Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, through here.
There are sunk costs, and then there is Deshaun Watson.
The Browns quarterback was hit with a brand new lawsuit this week, one that details a sexual assault even more violent than the ones that Watson had previously been accused of perpetrating against dozens of other women. Those initial allegations were enough to land Watson in roster purgatory through the 2021 season when he was still with the Houston Texans, a franchise that the quarterback had, by that time, already resolved to never play for again.
But those same allegations weren’t enough to deter multiple NFL teams from exploring a trade for Watson. This is the NFL, where nothing you do off the field matters all that much, so long as you can do things on the field. By 2022, Watson was a proven football commodity: an established Pro Bowl quarterback available to any team desperate for a franchise passer of their own.
The Cleveland Browns, no surprise, were desperate. They were desperate when they re-entered the league back in 1999, and have only grown more desperate since. The Browns have been a competitive nonentity this century, and so they convinced themselves that it made sense to do everything they could to land Watson. If it meant giving Houston six draft picks, three of them first-rounders, so be it. If it meant giving Watson a fresh contract with $230 million guaranteed, so be it. If it meant punting on the 2022 season to wait out Watson’s inevitable suspension from the league, so be it. If it meant wording Watson’s contract so that said suspension would barely scratch his guarantees, so be it. If it meant having the face of their franchise be a credibly accused monster, so be it. Deshaun Watson was a great quarterback. Deshaun Watson was worth it.
That was always the lie that the Browns had to tell themselves. There is no longer any way for them to keep doing so.
Deshaun Watson is cooked as a football player now. His passing stats have been abysmal. His advanced metrics have been even worse. Also, his teammates fucking hate him. Whatever football reasons the Browns had as shabby cover to justify their pursuit of Watson are now gone. This team has no way to explain itself. There's nothing to hide behind anymore. No bargain to make. There's just an awful moral abdication, which gets more reprehensible with every new lawsuit, on full display
I know that Watson’s contract, a deal so onerous that no other quarterback's deal since then has matched it, is nearly impossible for the Browns to get out from under, possibly until 2026. I also know that the NFL just told the press that it won’t place Watson on the commissioner’s exempt list: a memory-holing technique that Roger Goodell has used to banish players without having to officially suspend them. The NFL is telling the Browns, Fuck you, this is your problem now, knowing full well that the team doesn’t have a ton of legal wiggle room to solve that problem. I know that there might be some fine print in Watson's contract that would allow the Browns to weasel out of paying Watson, but that such a legal avenue is hardly guaranteed. I also know that the Browns allowed late-season 2023 starter Joe Flacco to leave the team in free agency, and then replaced him with handsy turnover addict Jameis Winston.
None of that really matters. What matters is that Watson's presence in the NFL is unbearable. The Browns fans who hate Watson can barely bring themselves to watch this team anymore, and the Browns fans still standing by Watson are scum. The rest of us never want to see Watson again. In fact, the only people eager to watch this man start another game for Cleveland are opposing defenses, because they know that he sucks now.
There’s no redeeming Haslam, or the rest of the Browns’ front office, for making this devil’s bargain. But every second they keep Watson in a Browns uniform, the more damage they do to their team, their city, and whatever is left of their own reputations. Stadium plans die from such unforced errors, and that may be the only motivating factor that gets Haslam to listen to reason.
Deshaun Watson was never fit to step back onto the field for Cleveland, or for any other team. He can be disposed of, same as any of the hundreds of players the NFL has thrown out before. This decision is only difficult if you’re stupid, or if you don’t care what kind of damage your stubbornness does to other people. And haven’t the Browns been stupid long enough, and done enough damage to everyone around them? Fuck this asshole, Cleveland. Get rid of him, and then go fuck yourselves, too.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Bucs at Lions: In case you weren’t already aware, Pro Football Focus has lost almost all of its best people within the past two years. Austin Gayle went to The Ringer. Eric Eager went to work for the Carolina Panthers. Draft analyst Mike Renner went to CBS. Podcasters Sam Monson and Steve Palazzolo went to a rival startup.
This is all happening just as PFF’s impact on football has become widespread, as detailed by my best Vikings friend Matthew Coller in his book about the company. PFF was founded by a stat nerd in England, grew so influential that Cris Collinsworth bought it, and became one of the go-to analytical resources for NFL front offices and for any football writer worth a shit. So you could reasonably assume that that the company’s recent talent drain was an unfortunate, but inevitable, byproduct of its success. But Coller’s book, published a year ago, ended with the company on the verge of disharmony. A follow-up investigation that Arif Hasan of Wide Left conducted this year shows that the company has now fully imploded:
“Everyone’s fucking leaving because people no longer believe in the leaders of the company,” said one. Upon clarification, the source clarified that Chahrouri was one of those leaders. The other two were Cris Collinsworth, the CEO, and his son, Austin Collinsworth – the Chief Operating Officer.
That’s right. Jac Collinsworth isn’t the only talentless nepobaby in the Collinsworth family. Hasan found that both Cris Collinsworth and his kid gave tacit license to a bigwig at PFF named George Chahrouri to cast a Jack Easterby-like spell over the company. According to Hasan's reporting, Chahrouri was an abusive boss who screamed and used slurs with regularity, to the point where working underneath had become unbearable. Collinsworth the elder “fired” Chahrouri for his offenses, but Hasan's sources claim that Collinsworth allowed him back into the fold as a consultant. Think Matt Patricia calling defensive plays for Philly at the end of last season. Same dynamic. Same result. Who do I go to for my data now? Are you telling me I have to WATCH these games to understand what’s happening? This is bullshit. Boo you, Cris! Fucking chicken-necked butthole.
Four Throwgasms
Saints at Cowboys: Before the season, FTN’s Aaron Schatz said that the Saints had, by no small margin, a better chance to be a surprise division winner than any non-playoff team from a year ago. Given that Schatz is usually more right than wrong—picture a credible Nate Silver—I felt obligated to consider these anodyne Saints a contender myself. But I just couldn’t do it. They were so inert all offseason, so unambitious, that I couldn’t see them winning much, even with an easy schedule laid out for them. Then they hosted Carolina in Week 1 and fucking buried them. Carolina might be the worst team in human history this season, but I also know Schatz is gonna be right. Stupid football nerds.
Bills at Dolphins
Three Throwgasms
Colts at Packers: We have to talk about The Throw. Here’s the video:
If Anthony Richardson had made that throw in a primetime game, it would still be on the front page of ESPN as we speak. Cris Collinsworth would still be laughing in incredulity. Your dumbest relative would have the play tattooed on his back. I’ve had enough time to think about it, and I’m ready to say that’s the greatest throw I’ve ever seen. Randall Cunningham’s immortal 95-yarder also merits consideration, but look at that fucking play by Richardson again. If that pass is thrown by any other QB, it’s the world’s easiest interception. But AR is stumbling backwards, with a defender ready to sit on his head, and throws an absolute fucking seed 70 yards in the air that hits Alec Pierce in stride. How the fuck did he do that? How could anyone do that? That pass got more air than a 737. I’ll never get over it.
Bengals at Chiefs
Rams at Cardinals
49ers at Vikings
Two Throwgasms
Falcons at Eagles: At this point, Kirk Cousins should just take snaps from a wheelchair. He’d at least be able to move a little.
Bears at Texans
Jets at Titans
Seahawks at Patriots
Browns at Jaguars
One Throwgasm
Chargers at Panthers: Right now the Panthers are +300 to be the NFL’s last winless team. We don’t condone gambling here at Defector, and all of my bets are mush. But if any team is a lock to lose every game by 20 points all season long, it’s this one. Bryce Young is now Deshaun Watson, minus all the sexual assault stuff.
Raiders at Ravens
Steelers at Broncos
Giants at Commanders
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Alcoholics,” by Undertipper. From JK:
I don't think it makes me want to run through a brick wall necessarily, but if you ever need a low-budget banger about being an alcoholic, this could be the play. I may be reading the lyrics on Spotify wrong, but I'm pretty sure they're telling me that if I had a brain, I wouldn't go drinking. Bonus points if you pull up the guitar player's old band The Disgracefuls. They're from my hometown and they hated corporate radio.
Oh, this song lands. Right there with Pkew Pkew Pkew in “dumb fun punk rock” genre. That’s my kinda shit. And yes, the lyrics do an effective job of conveying that drinking too much is probably unwise. But alcohol DOES make you wanna get naked in public, so you have to give it some credit there.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2024 chopping block:
Sean Payton
Robert Saleh*
Brian Daboll*
Dave Canales*
Doug Pederson
Raheem Morris
Antonio Pierce
Kevin Stefanski
Nick Sirianni
Mike McCarthy
(*potential midseason firing)
Let’s see how the water-carrying is going for Bob Saleh:
Sir, I promise you that you don’t need to blame yourself for Aaron Rodgers playing ineffectively. He’s proven highly adept at finding scapegoats on his own, believe you me. Every post-play shot of Rodgers now is just him looking away from his intended wideout in disgust.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Bruce sends in this story I call HOW TO TRAIN YOUR RECTUM:
Back when my partner and I lived in LA, we made regular trips to Vegas and were also big Top Chef fans. As such, we decided to splurge and go to Tom Colicchio's restaurant Craftsteakon one of our frequent visits to the city. This meal was on the Friday night of a long-weekend trip, with the plan to drive back to LA on Sunday evening. We were seated, opened the menu, and found some kind of chef-created three-course meal that advertised itself as a meal for two.
When the appetizers arrived, it became evident that the menu's label was completely inaccurate and we were about to eat enough food to feed an army. We're two large men with big appetites and even bigger stomachs, so we powered through all of the appetizers just in time for four steaks and five sides to be delivered to our table. We ate as much as we could, but at this point we were already feeling the hurt. We gave up halfway through trying to finish as much of the four desserts as we could, and after paying up, we waddled back to our hotel room with full stomachs, both happy and upset that we had probably eaten enough food for five people.
We passed out quickly but each woke up about four hours later, both completely full and sopping from Meat Sweats. We went back downstairs for some midnight casino fun for a while, then made our way back to the room. We felt better (but still marginally full) on Saturday morning, and the day was uneventful, but neither of us passed anything from the meal.
We drove back Sunday evening as planned, and made strangely good time on our way back to LA, so we stopped a theater about 15 minutes from home to catch a showing of How To Train Your Dragon that happened to be the venue's last show of the night. The movie was great, and as we left the theater, the door shut behind us with the 'click' of an automatic lock. The sound of that door triggered something in my stomach, which suddenly gave a very dangerous rumble.
"We have to go home NOW and FAST," I demanded of my partner.
We raced back home and I shucked everything below the belt as soon as the door opened. I'm happy to say that I made it to the toilet before the dam burst, but I'm both horrified and proud of the sheer amount of refuse that painfully poured from my body after a weekend's worth of digestion.
I'd do it again in a heartbeat. That food was magical.
I’m still blown away by the fact that you saw an entire movie—a kid’s movie, no less—at the back end of a road trip. When I’m back home after a long drive, I don’t wanna leave my house for a month.
And Now Let’s Go Down To The Sideline And Check In With Charissa Thompson
“Drew, I spoke to Tyreek Hill after MDPD officers accosted him before Sunday’s game and I asked him if he was bothered by being pulled out of his car and put on the ground. ‘Not really,’ Tyreek told me. ‘That’s just football.’ When I told Tyreek that his detainment didn’t appear to have anything to do with football, he told me, ‘Charissa, it’s all football. Life is football.’ And you can really see how inspired his teammates are by that sort of ‘warrior mentality.’ He also told me that he doesn’t like it when a woman’s got a fresh mouth. Back to you, Drew.”
Thank you, Charissa.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Old German Premium Lager! From Eric!
Found at a beer store in Frederick, Maryland that also had a psychic working in the back. I blame my drunken purchase of this wretched beer (over Natty Boh) for the Ravens loss on Sunday night. It’s all my fault.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, Eric. You weren’t the one letting Travis Kelce do whatever he wanted in that game. That was all on your boys. Now tell me more about this beer store/fortune telling parlor. Such a natural pairing. I could be the house psychic at a Total Wine. You come in with Old German on your breath and I divine that you’ll be passed out in a public bathroom later in the evening. HOW DOES DREW DO IT?!
Gameday Movie Of The Week For Panthers Fans
Jonathan Glazer’s The Zone of Interest, which got dinged by a few prominent critics (including our own) for being a wee bit too understated in chronicling the home life of Nazi leader Rudolf Höss.
But of course, understatement was one of Glazer’s stated objectives for the film. He could have taken his camera over Höss's wall and down into the concentration camp. But, had he done so, everyone watching (hopefully) would have said, “Oh right, he’s a mass murderer. I’m not like THAT guy.” And then you’re suddenly watching every other Oscar-winning Holocaust movie you’ve seen before.
Glazer’s aim with Zone of Interest is to show the audience how much they, and I, are like that guy. Over that wall lies unspeakable horror, but you can ignore it with alarming ease if you choose to, which Höss and his family do. Glazer depicts a white-collar life that resembles all white collar life, then and now, there and here. Höss and his wife take care of their kids, have guests over for drinks, and fret about having to move one day. He’s hoping he gets a big promotion at work, and she’s excited for him. Americans can relate to all of that. Many “normal” Americans are also the deliberately oblivious beneficiaries of systemic racism, inhumane working conditions both at home and abroad, oppressive policing, and endless war. People don’t look into any of this shit too deeply, because A) it would make them feel bad, and B) they like their lives too much to change anything about it. So nothing changes. Not a pleasant thing to realize.
The part that really got me was when a bunch of Höss's colleagues come over for a work meeting and introduce plans for building Auschwitz. They talk about the camp like any executive would a new factory. It’ll be much bigger than their other camps, and it’ll work much more efficiently, too. That could really catch their boss’s eye! They could be talking about manufacturing Twinkies in this scene, they’re so excited. They are not talking about making Twinkies, and that nagging bit of intel sticks with you long after you’ve seen this movie. Four stars.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy somethin'.”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
