The Western Conference Finals begin tonight, and while the Minnesota Timberwolves are already favored to beat the Dallas Mavericks and advance to their first-ever NBA Finals, nothing is guaranteed. The Mavericks could shoot out of their minds in every game. A key Wolves player could get hurt. Kyrie Irving could watch a 14-hour YouTube video that gives him the power to manipulate space and time using only his powerful brain.
Or, and this is where I come in, Anthony Edwards could forget to dunk the ball a lot.
I have adopted Ant as my new favorite player. He’s got all of the Michael Jordan shit going on: the predatory defense, the turnaround jumpers, the absolute fealty of his teammates. That, combined with a frontcourt that could block out the sun, has been enough to get the Wolves this far. But these are the Conference Finals, which means that they have to up their game another notch. And I know just the way to do that: Give Ant the ball and tell him to dunk. I don’t mean easy breakaway dunks. I don’t mean putback dunks. I mean dunks like THIS:
These are Jordan dunks. While in his prime, Jordan had thousands of possessions where he’d bring the ball up, survey the court in front of him, and then say Fuck it, I’m gonna dunk the ball. If there were multiple defenders in his way, he didn’t give a shit.
Ant can do that. I’ve seen him do it! So what I, Coach Drew, now propose is that Ant make the challenge dunk a more frequent part of his playoff repertoire. This should be easy for Ant because he is very strong and fast, and because Luka Doncic always has this face where it looks like he just ate one slice of pizza too many. Doncic and the Mavs ranked a pitiful 18th in defensive rating. They are eminently posterizable. I could barnstorm the hoop against them (and then flail my arms hoping for a whistle), so imagine what Ant Edwards might do. This man could dunk on fucking Paul Bunyan, so it would behoove him to dunk on these Mavericks over, and over, and over again. Let’s say he does it 10 times every game. That’s 20 extra points for Minnesota to play with. I’m no datatician, but even I know that’s a winning strategy. BROOM, PLEEZ.
This has been my preview of the NBA Western Conference Finals. I hope you enjoyed it.
