Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about boring high school classes, fucking on gondolas, Kendrick Lamar, and more.
Your letters:
Underproductive Bureaucrat:
I’m but a lowly “underproductive” federal employee. I’ve been the beneficiary of every email you’ve seen reported in the news. I’ve declined to resign and would prefer to stay in my current, mission-focused role instead of seeking a “higher productivity” gig in the private sector. It would now seem that Elon and his gang have my personnel file at their fingertips, and that a 19-year-old intern will decide the financial fate of many. So my question is this: am I getting my next paycheck?
I wish I knew. Unfortunately, I’m just one of the media folks noting that Trump and Musk are causing massive amounts of “confusion” within the U.S. government workforce, which numbers in the millions and is the largest workforce in the country. Normally, the job of the political press is to un-confuse the rest of us about these matters, but the biggest outlets are now getting lapped by much better reporters at places like Wired.
What seems clear to me is that the new administration, in which Musk is operating as a kind of shadow president, is intent on reorganizing the entire government so that it operates exactly like one of Musk's companies. Musk has leveled up from bullying Twitter engineers out of their jobs to bullying civil servants, all so that he can abolish funding for things like foreign aid, diversity initiatives, regulatory oversight, education, health care, and anything else that doesn't fit into his ultimate goal of creating a country that only serves rich white people. He's running around D.C. setting as many fires as he possibly can, to see which ones get put out and which ones manage to stay burning. And he doesn't care if it’s legal to fuck with all of this machinery, because the Supreme Court already ruled that Trump can never break the law anyway.
So if they don’t have to pay you, Unproductive Bureaucrat, they won’t. They’re gonna spend the next four years trying to stiff you, and the only bulwark against them are Democratic leaders—the last remaining people on EARTH who were caught off guard by any of this—and whichever liberal judges still have juice. That’s a pretty fucking weak defense—like trying to hold back a tsunami with police tape. Maybe you’ll keep getting paid because the Department of Memes got bored trying to shutter your department, or maybe you’ll wake up one day and POOF! No more job. Why, it’s just like working in the private sector. Fun!
Anyway, my only fleeting hope is that Big Business tells President Asshole to stop fucking with everyone’s money, because that’s their money, too.
Pete:
What high school topic did you give the least amount of shits about, Drew? I ask because I'm getting ready to tackle the Protestant Reformation to a bunch of HS students in Detroit, and I know they won't care. And to be fair, Martin Luther was kind of a dipshit.
Oh man, I think you nailed it with that portion of history class. I remember being so psyched to learn about the Middle Ages. I was like FUCK YEAH, KING ARTHUR! THE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE! MERLIN! THIS IS GONNA RULE! It didn’t rule. It was the driest material I was ever forced to slog through. Everything that happened between the birth of Christ and World War I was so, so fucking boring. I’m sure they know how to teach this material in better ways now, but back then it was just memorizing dates and summarizing Charlemagne’s reign in three paragraphs. I don’t remember who Charlemagne was, and I’m never gonna bother to find out. I won’t even Google it. The only Charlemagne I know anything about is Charlamagne tha God. He’s a radio guy. That’s more interesting.
The other subject that bored me to tears was Spanish, mostly because I sucked at it. I also had a run of lousy Spanish teachers, all of whom made you feel like the stupidest person alive if you didn’t understand the pluperfect tense within 10 minutes of being introduced to it. The only good Spanish teacher I ever had was the one I had in seventh grade, who taught us the basics of her native language exclusively via song. To this day, I still sing out the days of the week and months of the year to myself, like so:
Listen to that flawless Spanish accent. I could've been a spy! I would’ve retained so much more information about the birth of the Ottoman Empire had it been set to music, but I guess Mr. Buttz wasn’t skilled enough with a Gibson acoustic to teach us that way.
Michael:
Who is better? Aerosmith or AC/DC?
Aerosmith has been overrated as long as it’s been in existence. The only time I liked Aerosmith was during their pop metal revival back in the '80s and '90s, and they weren’t better than any of their contemporaries from that era (GNR and Metallica foremost among them). I remember when Aerosmith showed up in a Wayne’s World sketch on SNL and Wayne told Steven Tyler, “You guys are the greatest band in the world,” to rapturous applause. I said to the TV, “No they aren’t!” and I wasn’t alone. Aerosmith wasn’t the greatest band in the world then, and they sure as shit aren’t today. I also resent it when they’re mentioned as a contender for the greatest American rock band ever. Makes my country feel inadequate (or, given present circumstances, MORE inadequate). If we can’t do better than fucking Aerosmith, then we deserve to be relegated. That said, the “Sweet Emotion” bassline is still flawless.
As for AC/DC, all they’ve done is deliver tight riffs and randy lyrics for 52 years now. They also didn’t need to hire Diane Warren or Desmond Child to write up a hit single for them. They’re the superior band. This has been Dad Court [bangs gavel].
Nicholas:
I used to be a huge NBA fan. When I was in college, my friends and I spent hours playing NBA2K. I would watch games on ESPN on Wednesday, TNT on Thursday, and my Cavs any night in between (it didn't hurt to have LeBron for two stints). But now, I turn on any random Wednesday/Thursday game and find the games unwatchable: drive and kick, shoot a three, rebound, fast break, kick out for a three, offensive rebound, shoot a three, etc. All they do is shoot threes! I am trying not to be a crank, but I genuinely feel like I cannot watch this game anymore. And I miss caring about the NBA. Should I accept that this is just the state of the game and try to enjoy it, or is it OK for me to just give up on the game entirely?
Hey wait a second Nicholas, the Cavs are in first place! In fact, they have the best record in the entire NBA! You spoiled little shit! You think the Browns are gonna pick up the slack for you if you ditch your NBA team? You gotta hold onto whatever’s good in your life right now, before it gets deported!
Seriously though, there are respected hoopheads out there who are also bemoaning the three-centric model that’s overtaken the league. The argument is that it makes for dry, unimaginative basketball. That makes sense on a certain level; every sport is more fun when playing style across teams varies. But I was alive during the 1990s, when Michael Jordan pioneered an isolation game that everyone else—Kobe Bryant included—wasted years straining to replicate. Every possession was just one dude bleeding the play clock dry until he either launched a failed turnaround jumper or kicked it out to some rusty-ass, trigger happy center for a baseline airball.
The D’Antoni Suns and the Steph Warriors served as an antidote to all of that stultifying horseshit, and I remain grateful to them for it. The only time I had a real aesthetic beef with the three lifestyle was when foul-hunters like James Harden and Trae Young would take a dive behind the arc with no intention of ever hitting rim. Otherwise, gimme all the threes you got. I love big plays, and I love big points even more.
But let’s say that I, a supremely casual NBA fan, haven’t watched enough 2025 action to see how other teams have adopted the Warriors model and turned it into something unsightly. Let’s say the quality of the product really has deteriorated. If history is any indication there, other teams will adjust to these offenses the same way they adjusted to Kobeball, and then the league will be overrun with teams that ape THAT strategy. That’s how a sport evolves over time, and I’m always curious to see that change occur before me. If you ditch the current NBA, you might never get to enjoy seeing what it becomes next.
As for right now, there’s a lithe Frenchman in San Antonio who will lay waste to all of the old strategies, especially now that he has De’Aaron Fox passing him the ball. There’s a three-time MVP center in Denver who arguably has the greatest court vision of any player this century. Oh, and the Lakers just got Luka Doncic to team with LeBron James. That team won’t be able to play defense for shit, but fuck me if they aren’t gonna score 140 points a game. Watch these games a bit closer and, as long as you’re not watching the Wizards, you’ll still see some truly remarkable shit go down. It’s up to you to decide if that effort is worth it. It is for me, because after Sunday I won’t have shit else to watch.
Peter:
Do you think anyone has ever banged on a gondola at a ski resort?
If Hot Dog: The Movie is accurate, and I see no reason to believe it wasn’t, then yes. You’ve met skiers and snowboarders. They’re all young, attractive, and stoned out of their fucking minds. Of course they’ve given it a go in midair. Doesn’t matter if the gondola is packed; the danger only turns them on. I bet you that I could easily find an amateur clip on Pornhub of two horny ski bums sneaking in a fuck on the way into Telluride Station, but I am above such filth. Unless the girl is, like, super duper hot.
Ben:
You and I both grew up during a time when teenagers making mixtapes was a thing. But I never made mixtapes for anyone but myself, which apparently was weird and lame of me. Were you really only supposed to make mixtapes to give them to other people, like for girls you had a crush on?
Ben, I too only made mixtapes for myself. Where else was I supposed to find “A Little Ain’t Enough” by David Lee Roth, “Jet City Woman” by Queensryche, and “I’d Die Without You” by P.M. Dawn all on the same cassette? Sessions Records wasn’t selling any compilations like that! I had to make that shit myself. I named my first mixtape DROO’S MIX: THE BEST! (because it was the best), and then I wore the Maxell out until I had to make a DROO’S MIX 2, (which was also the best).
I never sent any of these mixes to a girl. I was too scared of them telling me to fuck off or, even worse, not liking my tunes. So instead of wooing ladies with tasteful, Zach Braff-approved playlists or penning them florid love letters, I just went up and sheepishly asked them, “Will you go with me?” After that, they’d say, “Oh my God you’re so sweet!” and then give me the Heisman. Then I’d go back to my room and crank up the DLR to recover. Maybe sending them DROO’S MIX would have improved my chances, but somehow I doubt it. This is why I don’t hate Spotify as much as the rest of you.
HALFTIME!
Ryan:
If Kendrick Lamar were to engage Donald Trump as his next target, could he tear Trump’s popularity down, or would the "stubbornness as a braggable trait" of MAGA win out? It makes me laugh and slightly sad that we live in a world where it is feasible.
It’s not feasible. We’ve already tried taking down the Republican Party with metaphorical dunks. Go queue up the tired GIF of Nancy “The Art Of Power” Pelosi clapping if you need a refresher on how that went. The war will not be won with random owns, no matter how expertly crafted those owns might be. The Federalist Society spent half a century plotting its takeover of the Federal government, and we’re gonna ruin their shit with a tight three-minute freestyle? Dunks don’t work, and neither do burns, memes, cancellations, or a surprisingly inspiring Arnold Schwarzenegger phone video. I already wasted a decade of my life banking on half-assed solutions like those to undo the Shithead Movement. Fixing this is gonna take a whole lot more preparation and legwork. Turns out that Elon never even READ my saucy replies to his tweets! I can’t believe it!
By the way, maybe Drake has enough money and enough leftover fans to take all of this shit. But if Kendrick had written that song about me, and I had to watch everyone at the Grammys joyfully singing about me being a pedophile—and then watch it happen again at the Super Bowl a week later!—I would shoot myself into outer space.
Ian:
Were the past two weeks worse for left-leaning Bills fans or left-leaning Mavs fans? I'm the former.
You got it worse. The Mavs already have a title in their back pocket, plus a kickass statue of Dirk launching a fadeaway outside of the arena. I don’t envy Mavs fans having to watch them trade a foundational player like Luka Doncic away for a big of Fritos and a Ring Pop. To the fucking Lakers, of all teams. But again, they have some joy in the memory bank to soothe the pain.
You Bills fans are another matter. You had one of the NFL’s most dominant assemblages of talent in the 1990s, and all that got you was four consecutive Super Bowl losses, each one more humiliating than the last. Now you’ve got one of the coolest QBs of the 21st century but he keeps tush pushing into a brick wall before your team can even reach the Super Bowl. Even worse, a lot of you are probably too young to remember the K Gun Bills! You may not even know what the term “K Gun” means! Combine that with your current political angst and that makes for one dogshit winter. I wanna feed you guys some hot soup.
Ben:
What's the ideal age to be when your favorite team wins a championship?
I’m 48, so 48. Give me a goddamn Super Bowl win already, God. You divine piece of shit.
Josh:
When you hear a team is just holding a walkthrough instead of a practice, what does that entail? Are they just practicing plays while jogging? Is the defense even on the field? How do defensive players even participate in a walkthrough?
A walkthrough is a practice, just without any contact. When I played, we usually held our walkthroughs on Friday, the day before the game. You don’t wanna wear your players out by staging a full contact practice, or a thud practice with just uppers, so close to the game itself. So you hold a dress rehearsal for the game instead, making sure that everyone on every unit knows what they’re supposed to be doing on every play. You run through the play script, line up where you’re supposed to line up, and then run plays against either air, or against defensive players who can’t touch you (but also need to line up and react). Think of it as a tape session, only without you sitting in a conference room, bored out of your skull. You’re getting all of your lines and marks down so that you don’t go into brainlock when the lights come on.
Did we take walkthroughs seriously? Fuck no. The starters had to be on point lining up, but third-stringers like me couldn’t have given a rat’s ass. We usually fucked around and played touch football on the sideline until the coaches yelled at us to pay attention. Walkthroughs in the NFL are a different story. There’s so much attrition during the season, especially with the 17-game schedule, that most coaches cut down on padded practices toward the end of the year, if not eliminate them altogether. These players already know how to block, tackle, and catch. The only thing that matters going into Sunday is that they fully understand the gameplan and how to execute it. The best way to do that without pulling a dozen hamstrings is with class on grass.
That’s most coaches. That’s not the Chiefs. Read up on Andy Reid’s methods and you’ll find a practice regimen that reflects his age and occasionally prickly demeanor. He ran that team ragged in training camp, same as he does every year, and then he staged a fully padded practice during their playoff bye week to keep them from getting soft. I’d call this antiquated Bear Bryant shit, but the results are the results. This specific game, Chiefs-Eagles, will be decided by which team hits the hardest and makes the other team cry for mommy. That’s one thing that a walkthrough practice won’t necessarily help with.
Chris:
I’m 35, married, and have no kids. I feel like I’m completely overwhelmed by the amount of pop culture there is, particularly with film and television. When I was in my late teens to mid-twenties, I was able to catch every interesting or culturally relevant movie or TV show with relative ease. I was also genuinely excited about most of what was being released, ranging from big blockbusters to smaller and more interesting concept films. I don’t feel that way anymore. Now I’m barely hanging on and unable to keep up with what feels like an absolute onslaught of TV and movies, many of which I don’t care about. Would you attribute this more to changing tastes, and the additional time constraints that come with age? Or would you say this is more a result of the current state of media?
I was right where you were at that age, although I had a growing family to blame for my failure to keep up. Now that my kids are older, I’ve been able to make up for lost time and binge all of the shit that I couldn’t binge before. Also, deleting my Twitter account had the added benefit of silencing all of the prestige TV fans out there who seemingly lived to aggravate my pop culture FOMO by raving on and on about, like, Firefly. I can watch what I want now, and at my own pace. I just started in on Hannibal, and it’s pretty solid so far. Except for the shady blogger lady, who feels bussed in from some crappy alphabet procedural. I hope Dr. Lecter eats her.
But this isn’t just about the ravages of age hurting your ability to consume media. The landscape is different now. More fractured. You and I are bombarded with ads and coverage for way more TV shows, many of which won’t be on TV TV, but on one of a dozen streaming services. You also have to deal with fanboy culture, which pushes every shitty tentpole movie out there as mandatory viewing even if it’s dogshit. All of this white noise ends up overwhelming you and making pop culture feel like homework instead of an optional diversion.
While I have more time to watch a lot of this stuff now, I also have come to accept that I can’t watch EVERYTHING, and that I don’t want to. After all, if you watch everything, then you won’t have anything left to watch. And maybe you just wanna read a book or go fuck a stranger in a gondola instead of looking at a screen. It’s your media diet, and you get to call the shots. Think of it that way and you’ll always have something to look forward to on the horizon. Every show you miss is one more show you can get lost in some other time. Take it from a dude who watched all of Boardwalk Empire a solid decade after everyone else did. Despite the best efforts of both streamers and movie studios, there are still more great TV shows and films in the back archive than you and I could ever hope to watch. This is a good thing, because I sure as shit ain’t watching the news.
Matthew:
How many letters has Vanna White revealed in her time on Wheel of Fortune?
Twenty-six. O HO HO LOOK HOW SMART I AM!
Let’s do some virtual napkin math. Vanna has been the co-host of Wheel since 1980. That’s 45 years, times 200 episodes a year. Let’s say that every episode has 10 puzzles, with 20 letters in each puzzle. That last estimate comes directly out of my ass, but it’s the best I can manage. Multiply all of those numbers and you get 1.8 million letters uncovered by Vanna over her career. I’d tell you how much she got paid per letter to turn, but you’re already pissed off at the rich folk.
Michael:
This morning at work I accidentally gave myself some pretty bad stinkfinger while wiping in the bathroom. This was in a fairly large office, so I was not the only person using the facilities. Has this ever happened to you and if so, what is the best way to tuck your shirt back in afterwards? I ended up wrapping my fingers in toilet paper very carefully and listening from inside the stall to make sure nobody was at the sink. Then rushed out to wash my hands and check my shirt in the mirror.
That’s about the best you can do. I’ve waddled to the sink with my pants still at my knees, which probably isn’t an image you want in your head. My apologies.
Email of the week!
Brian:
On Christmas 2008, I was home from college at my parents' house in suburban Seattle. That year, the Seattle area experienced a run of snowstorms that effectively shut down the entire metro area for two weeks. After several days without power and heat, everything was restored back to normal by Christmas. However, the roads were a mess and nothing was open, so we were stuck at home. Still without TV or internet, and having exhausted our appetite for snowballs, board games, and reading, we combed the house for DVDs, finding none except for two lonely Netflix discs.
This leads me to my question: Have you ever enjoyed a movie or show despite its seeming wholly inappropriate for the day or circumstance in which it was watched? Because that day—Christmas Day, with a beautiful snowscape outside our windows—our family gathered together to watch Band of Brothers and Schindler's List.
“Schindler’s List is a Christmas movie” is the online argument we’ve all been waiting to have. Anyway, I watched Dead Man Walking with a date once. It will stun you to learn that didn’t get lucky afterward. American Beauty, though? That one came through for Drewbear.
