I Will Not Be Calling This Man “Steezy Trev”

It is the right of every fan to lust after their guys. I respect a fan's right to appreciate a bicep, or pine for more sleeveless jerseys, or encourage a corner back to tuck his jersey into his pad and show us his abs. That's our right. But we, the fans, get to decide how we crush, and on whom, and in what manner. We get to make the fancams, and fawn as we please.

The thing is, it's very hard to lust over a Trevor, or a Travis, or a Jared with a straight face. NFL teams (and particularly the staff running the team social accounts) know that this is a problem. They know there are dollars to be found in fan lust, and so they have begun to try and rebrand their Trevors and Travises and Jareds. They are not good at it.

Look at this:

I'm sorry to the city of Jacksonville, but I will not be calling this man "Steezy Trev." I won't! Steezy is a word used to describe someone who is stylish and easy, but this is a normal man! You cannot make me lust over this school-picture-ass photo.

I don't mean to pick on Trevor Lawrence. He's not the cause of this, nor is he the only victim. The first of these demented tweets I saw was one from 2021, in which the Detroit Lions insisted that Jared Goff should be addressed as "Papi."

At least the "Steezy Trev" photo is flattering. This is not even a good photo of Jared Goff! What is this supposed to do for me? Am I supposed to lust over this? In what world is this man a "papi"?

And what is this? From the NFL itself?

This one is particularly upsetting. Travis Kelce debuted this persona during some mic'd up experience, dubbing himself El Travador (as a bit), but that does not mean that we must accept this rebrand.

Travador seems to be a portmanteau of Travis and the trovador, which means ... someone who travels around reciting poetry. I do not think this man is reciting Beowulf in the locker room!

I am begging the people in charge of these accounts to stop this nonsense. Have some respect! Leave the Trevors and Jareds in peace, and no not ever say "papi" to me again.