Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out,”through here.
Here are some Dad Facts for you. Sam Darnold is 27 years old, three years older than Falcons rookie Michael Penix. He became the youngest starting quarterback in post-merger NFL history after the Jets drafted him. He played for three different franchises in his first six seasons. His first head coach was Todd Bowles, who was fired at the end of his rookie season. His second head coach was Adam Gase, who is Adam Gase. His third head coach was Matt Rhule, who was fired early into Darnold’s second season in Carolina. And his fourth head coach (if you don’t count Steve Wilks, who took over the Panthers as interim coach after Rhule oozed back down to the college ranks) was Kyle Shanahan, who used him exclusively as a backup. His career was Ryan Fitzpatrick’s in miniature, with the proportionately diminished reputation to accompany it.
Then the Vikings signed Darnold as a one-year rental while they groomed rookie J.J. McCarthy to be their long-term starter. McCarthy, like Darnold, was just 21 years old upon entering the league. But the kid developed so quickly, through minicamp to the preseason, that the odds of him supplanting Darnold right out of the gate grew every day in August. That’s not the fan in me talking. My team has drafted enough lemons at QB for me to be skeptical of any new arrival. The same skepticism pervades Vikings beat writers, Vikings fans, and the world in general. But in the case of McCarthy, not a single derisive word was uttered. Everyone believed he had the goods, even when they were hedging their public comments about him. And in his first preseason game, he looked the part in full.
So when McCarthy suddenly had to go into dry dock for the entire season thanks to a surprise meniscus tear, head coach Kevin O’Connell—notorious within Vikings HQ for being picky about his QBs to the point of mania—looked like someone had just shot his dog. Sam Darnold was hired as a backup plan, and only became THE plan once the kid’s ascent was put on hiatus.
Now for more Dad Darnold Facts. Prior to this season, Darnold had never started a full season for any team that employed him, earning more recognition for having mono (you know the meme) than for playing actual football. He has started every game for Minnesota this season. The most TDs he’s ever thrown in a season is 19. He has 17 already this year, in less than half a season’s work. His best completion percentage mark prior to this season was 61.9 percent. His percentage this season is just a shade under 70 percent, despite being fifth overall in average depth of target (the leader in that category, Anthony Richardson, was just benched for being unable to complete any pass under 30 yards). His best passer rating for a full season played was 84.3 in 2019. His current rating is 107.8.
In other words, Sam Darnold is a better quarterback, by far, than he’s ever been.
Darnold has played so well, in fact, that it’s worth arguing whether or not the Vikings should make HIM the long term answer at QB and not the kid. Like every other Vikings fan, I have a shifting set of hypothetical criteria that Darnold must meet in order to pledge my heart to him in full: 30+ TD passes, an appearance in the NFC title game where he must play well even if they lose, things of that nature. But neither Darnold nor the Vikings are giving public indications about how they feel in the matter. Darnold was brought in as a default starter, and he remains one.
There is a remarkable amount of freedom in this arrangement for all sides involved. There’s no pressure on Darnold to secure his job long-term, because another team will pay him $40 million AAV this offseason if he keeps up this pace anyway. There’s no pressure on the Vikings, because they already know that McCarthy is legit. And there’s no pressure on me, the fan, because I trust team leadership to pick their guy more capably than I ever could. This 2024 Vikings season is house money, and fuck me if that money hasn’t been fun to play with. Witness:
There’s a reason that Darnold was drafted No. 3 overall, and it’s not because the Jets overvalued him. It’s because he can make throws, like the one above, that the vast majority of NFL quarterbacks can’t. Darnold’s predecessor in Minnesota, Kirk Cousins, could never make a throw like that one. In fact, despite Cousins’s proficiency, every completion of his felt like blood extracted from a stone. Kirk Cousins is under-talented, jittery, and annoying. An aesthetically repellent player, even when he’s playing well (as he is right now for the Falcons). I know because I just spent six years watching the man play, gritting his teeth and cupping his earholes in between every play like a clueless idiot.
Darnold stands as Cousins’s diametric opposite. He’s always good for at least two plays per game where he handles the ball as if he’s been blindfolded, but the Vikings treat those plays as the cost of doing business with that arm. Darnold played his worst game just last week against the Colts, but Kevin O’Connell didn’t give a shit. He ordered Darnold to keep hucking the ball downfield, '70s Raiders style. And you know what? It worked. The Vikings still won that game, as they have the majority of their games this season. Every time 2024 Darnold fucks up, he adopts a goldfish brain and forgets it a play later. Then he uncorks a throw that jet engine affixed to it. He’s put games away with that arm, which Cousins rarely did. He does not see ghosts. He sees pots of gold, which is fitting given that America is now on the verge of becoming one giant casino.
And I love him. I know that the Vikings won’t win a Super Bowl with Darnold at the helm, but that means that I don’t have to put all of my emotional capital into such a prospect. Feels incredible, like a summer fling that always gets your motor running if it springs up in the memory bank. Like Darnold, I can now shake off any fuckup and move on. I don’t have to ruminate on it for very long, because I know that another bomb to Justin Jefferson is on deck. Sam Darnold won’t end up being a Hall of Famer, but he’s FUN. And if you’ve ever had to cheer for a team with a shit offense, you know how important it is to have someone fun back there. Someone who can go deep. Someone who can scoot. Someone who knows precisely who he is and plays like it. If my man turns to shit in the back half of the season, it’ll be what everyone expects anyway.
I don’t think he will. O’Connell has said that teams fail young quarterbacks far more often than the other way around, and Darnold is joining an increasing number of passers (Baker Mayfield and Geno Smith foremost among them) who prove that sentiment true. Talent only gets you so far in the NFL. You also need good coaching, good planning, and good teammates. And whoa hey, would you look at that: turns out that when you drop a QB with Carson Palmer’s talent into a functional situation, he plays like Carson Palmer.
NFL teams rarely learn this, so it’s utterly thrilling to watch my own team make such a neat little discovery. In a league where every rookie QB has to become Patrick Mahomes in three years or else he’s a bust, Darnold is perhaps our best example of a veteran QB who can still develop beyond who he is. A prospect at 27. Again, this is the opposite of Cousins, who has been the exact same player for a decade and change. Sam Darnold may not be a finished product yet. He may have even more surprises for us. I can’t wait to see what they might be.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Lions at Texans: One of the color guys mentioned it a while back, but Dan Campbell’s habit of going for it on fourth down doesn’t just make sense analytically, it also changes the fundamental nature of an already loaded offense. If you know you’re going for in on fourth, you can use your whole playbook on third down. You’ve heard that insight plenty of times at the end of tight games, but Ben Johnson’s offense is rooted in that line of thinking all game long. That means that the Lions can freely run the ball on third-and-medium (they do it more than anyone else in the league by far), forcing defenses to account for it during what would otherwise be an obvious passing situation.
So if the Lions again get to the NFC title game and are again undone by a few missed fourth-down attempts, it shouldn’t dissuade any potent offensive team from copying their blueprint. If you have playmakers all over, use them as many times as you possibly can.
Steelers at Commanders: Cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to watch football this weekend. I know that the NFL still carries with it all of the political baggage of the outside world. But for this season and beyond, I get to do the whole “sports are our escape!” thing and treat games like this as the most welcome diversion I could ever conceive of.
Four Throwgasms
Bengals at Ravens: This game is tonight! And it’s good! On paper!
Three Throwgasms
Broncos at Chiefs: In the wake of Tuesday’s election results, I have a brand new litmus test for presidential candidates. Next time we have an election (fingers crossed!), ask yourself: Would I buy a car from this person? Not Would I have a beer with this person? That’s out of date. I look back at every president this century and all of them have one thing in common: I would buy a car from them. And I know you’re saying OMG I would never buy a car from Donald Trump. You might be surprised, amigo. I’ve purchased cars from guys I know are completely full of shit. But if they remember my name after I meet them, if they have the car I want in stock at market price, and if they’re good at showing off all of the bells and whistles (my car has a Sounds of Nature option on the stereo; I both love it and never use it), I’ll buy a car from them.
Think about it. You think I’m buying a car from Al Gore? I’d rather buy one from Crazy Eddie. Next Democratic candidate better know how to show me some Corinthian leather upholstery.
49ers at Bucs
Two Throwgasms
Eagles at Cowboys: Dak Prescott partially tore his hamstring off of his bone last week, which means that he’s headed to IR. More important, whenever I see a report that an athlete tore a muscle off of the bone, I think about eating ribs. This does NOT mean I want to eat Dak Prescott. I’m just saying that thinking about the shredded inner flesh of his leg reminds me of acceptably edible flesh. Like ribs. Mmm … ribs.
Anyway, Dallas’ season is over.
Vikings at Jaguars
Dolphins at Rams
Bills at Colts
Jets at Cardinals
One Throwgasm
Giants at Panthers (Munich): Well at least one game this week will be played in a free country.
Patriots at Bears: After this game, the Bears play six straight winning teams, including the Lions twice. That sounds ominous, unless you’re a Bears fan and you’ll do anything to rid yourself of Matt Eberflus and his clusterfuck of a tenure. It’s just like Chicago to tank their way into a franchise QB, only to require one extra tank job afterward to keep that QB from being turned into hamburger on a weekly basis. You never want a coach who looks visibly confused at all times. Ask Cowboys fans right now.
Titans at Chargers: The Chargers have beaten one winning team thus far in the season and that was Denver: as underwhelming an above-.500 team as could be conceived by God.
Falcons at Saints: Every Saints fan cried out with joy when Dennis Allen got canned, and then let out a 12-minute groan when they saw that GM Mickey Loomis got to stay. Join us in two months when Loomis tabs Rick Venturi to succeed the last guy.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Even I Don’t Know,” by The Golden Gods! From Aaron:
When I got out of college in the early 2000's, I went to a Battle of the Bands at a bar. I was about to leave after the second straight shitty death metal band until I saw the next act walk by me to the stage. First was the bass player: a late 30's dude with a huge, hairy beer belly, wearing an open white fur jacket and Elton John glasses and a killer horseshoe mustache. He was followed by a British beanpole singer/guitarist with long, stringy hair. Next was the drummer, shirtless and ready to rock. Needless to say, I decided to stay to see what this was all about. With their catchy guitar hooks and face melting solos, these guys made me throw my panties on stage. Once the set was over, I immediately bought their kickass album and still listen to them to this day.
There are few highs like discovering a band live. Back when my wife and I lived in New York, we went out drinking one night at Luna Lounge on the LES and heard a band named Orange Park. They were so good that I bought their EP straight off the merch table and wore it out. I felt like Alan McGee discovering Oasis before they broke big.
Orange Park never broke big, of course. They no longer exist. Nor does Luna Lounge, which closed its doors in 2005. But I’ll never forget wandering into that bar and hearing that sound. That moment never dies.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2024 chopping block:
Robert Saleh—FIRED!
Dennis Allen—FIRED!
Mike McDaniel
Mike Macdonald
Todd Bowles
Brian Daboll
Dave Caneles
Doug Pederson
Kevin Stefanski
Mike McCarthy*****
Matt Eberflus*
Shane Steichen
Dave Canales
Antonio Pierce*
Brian Callahan
(*potential midseason firing)
I don’t believe that Mike Macdonald is going anywhere but you bet your ass I’m putting you on this list if you don’t go for two at the gun. Same goes for you, Todd Bowles. Give the people what they want, you fuckers.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Sam sends in a story I call DIAL P FOR POOPER:
My day job is managing a team that handles billing for skilled nursing facilities. If a claim doesn’t pay, it gets bubbled up to me. I call the insurance company to deal with it or appeal it. It’s not a bad gig. I don’t deal with patients and I get to browbeat health insurance companies who are pure fucking evil. And my company is intensely ethical, plus I get to work from home two days a week.
Because I spend so much time on hold with insurance companies, it is not uncommon for me to throw a call on mute and drop a deuce. One Friday afternoon, I was on hold to speak with a supervisor when I felt the pain. My best friend had been in town and we had gone to Korean BBQ. He is a power lifter and I am fat and we ate. A lot. Fast forward 18 hours and my guts needed to get their contents out. No problem! I’m on hold, I’ll go drop a dump. But I stand and the manager comes on the line.
“Hi, can you please call me back in 5 minutes?” I asked, politely.
“No, I will have to take another call,” came their bored response.
I sat down and resolved to make it through the call. The guy I was talking to was an officious little shit and between the pain in my tract and this guy’s dickery, my patience was wearing thin. After several minutes of back and forth, the smug little assbag put me on hold. I stood up and waddled to the bathroom, dropping trou as I went. I was in full Pooh mode by the time I made it into the bathroom. Right as my cheeks hit the seat, the manager clicked back on.
He gave me some condescending bullshit and I decided to let fly. I dropped a thunderous dump while I browbeat this asshole hoping that it would cover up the noise of the portal to hell that I had opened. After wiping, I made one last emphatic point and flushed. There was silence. He conceded that I was right and that he was issuing a check for $25,000.00. It was a great moment.
In light of recent events, one might say a heroic one.
And Now Let’s Go Down To The Sideline And Check In With Charissa Thompson
“Drew, I got lost on my way to the Ravens stadium this morning. When I asked my colleagues about the mistake, they said, ‘That’s just Charissa.’ They told me that I can ‘sometimes be late,’ but that, ‘hey, we’d much rather have you on the set than Kay Adams.’ That’s just the kind of support that any female broadcaster needs, especially now that all women making under $50k a year are going to be enslaved. Back to you, Drew.”
Thank you, Charissa.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Top Budget Biere Blonde! It’s not just normal budget beer, but ELITE budget beer! From Alex:
While Mrs. Beer Man was loading up on rose at an Intermarche in Nice, I grabbed a few beers. If I'm gonna sit by the side of the road for a Tour de France time trial, I might as well catch a buzz. This looked like it would do, though it had the potential to be swill because it's 1) French and 2) €0.60 for a 50cl can. Much to my surprise, it wasn't bad at all. There are better beers, but none of ‘em are in the pocket-change range.
That’s the eternal dilemma, isn’t it? But hey, at least your budget remained among the best in the league after you purchased it.
Gameday Movie Of The Week For Raiders Fans
Palm Springs, which is still on Hulu and is a more than worthy addition to the canon of great time loop movies, which includes Groundhog Day (natch), Edge of Tomorrow, Source Code, and any other fast-paced mindfuck that I can’t think of at the moment. Between this movie and The Penguin, I’d watch Cristin Milioti read Trump campaign literature out loud to me. She’s an uncommon talent. Also, Andy Samberg was good, too. Three and a half stars.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“That Quimby fellow promised to build us a Matlooock Expressway! How're you going to top that, smart guy?”
“Hmm. Well, how's this: I'll not only build the expressway, I will spend the rest of this afternoon patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes.”
“Hot ziggety-zam! Me first!”
Enjoy the games, everyone. That's an order.
