The teenager in me is wildly angry that I’ve grown into a morning person, but that’s precisely what I’ve become. In fact, the early morning is often the best part of my day. I get up before the rest of the house and have my run of the joint. I enjoy my coffee in peace. I lovingly prep the kids’ sandwiches. I play Tiles. I do my best writing of the day (like this post!). And I get to eat my cereal. Loudly.
About that last part: Due to an accident I suffered in 2018, I lost my taste for cereal for many years. I mean this literally: I damaged nerves in my head that directly affected my taste buds, which rendered virtually all cereal flavorless to me. But as time wore on, my brain rearranged its wiring to soften my tasting disorder. At the same time, I discovered that oat milk was, and remains, the GOAT fake milk. So one day, on a whim, I gave cereal with oat milk a shot and HEY PRESTO! Breakfast was fun for me again.
The cereal in question? None other than Raisin Bran Crunch.
If you’ve read us going all the way back to Deadspin, you know that our old EIC Tim Marchman once published, without authorization, a ranking of cereals that was truly perverse. His top cereal was some earthy crunchy shit that no one else had ever heard of. His dead last cereal was Lucky Charms. His No. 9 cereal was Mueslix, which is just uncooked oatmeal. And he left Raisin Bran Crunch off of his list entirely, despite having regular, doodoo-ass Raisin Bran in the Top 10. This was a grotesque display of non-taste, and Marchman was rightly derided across the internet for it.
This post will not serve as a corrective ranking, because I have neither the time nor the desire. More important, I don’t eat any other cereal besides Raisin Bran Crunch. It’s the only cereal I require … the only cereal anyone requires. I’ve flirted with mixing other brands into the rotation, like Special K Red Berries and the whatever sweetened cluster party that Trader Joe’s has on its shelves. But all of them fall short of RBC. Always. Why? The simple answer is that they don’t taste as good. But lemme break down the tape a little bit more to take you inside the game. Please bear in mind that I have not been paid by Kellogg’s to write this post. Should they decide to send me a check for $1 million anyway, I will cash it but then tell you that I burned it in a proper display of rebellion against The Brands.
Fiber. The Raisin Bran Crunch box says that it’s a good source of fiber. Now, every cereal box says this, but I assure you that RBC delivers on its promise. The proof is in the pudding, which usually ends up in my toilet right around 7:10 a.m.
It stays crunchy in milk. Another promise on the box delivered. What do most fibrous, grown-up cereals have in common? After six seconds in milk, they turn into silt. Maybe you’re like Marchman and prefer your cereal in form of wood pulp, but I do not. I require texture. That’s why the industrial overlords at Kellogg’s have lacquered RNC’s flakes with many, many coats of sugar. These flakes would stay crunchy even if you dumped them into the fucking Atlantic Ocean. They stay crunchy even longer—far longer, in fact—than Frosted Flakes. That’s how strong their protective sugar barrier is. Mmmm yum yum yum. Speaking of…
Sugar. For the past few weeks, I have abstained from eating desserts and sugary snacks in order to keep my heart operational and to get my beach body looking fine as fuck. But mealtimes are an exception. That doesn’t mean I get to eat a Ziggy Piggy for dinner every night, but it does mean that I can eat a sweetened cereal for breakfast if I choose. And lemme tell you, Raisin Bran Crunch has enough sugar in it to kill a buffalo. You might consider Cinnamon Toast Crunch the greatest of cereals, and I won’t fight you there. It’s an outstanding product. Someone over at General Mills was like, “What if we made a cereal that was deep fried?” and the result was arguably one of the finest technological culinary innovations of my lifetime. More important than sous vide cooking.
Now get this: CTC has 12 grams of sugar per serving. Pretty good statline, yeah? RBC has 19. WHOAAAAAAA. Did I just break your brain? And your endocrine system? I think I did. Between the sweet flakes and the fabled two scoops of raisins (many people abhor raisins, but I am thankfully not one of them), you can’t pack more sweetness into a single serving of cereal, and lord knows that companies have tried. This sugar boost at dawn is exactly what I need to power through when everyone in the house wakes up and starts demanding shit. Do I crash right around lunchtime and require a nap? Certainly, but I like to nap so I don’t consider this an issue.
The aftermilk. CTC still makes the best aftermilk, but RBC isn’t far behind. Plus I get a few stray raisins, and all of the oaty oat milk flavor, when I transition from spooning to chugging. God, I love that transition. Such a powerful moment to experience as the sun breaks over the horizon at dawn.
It's the best midnight snack. Granted, I consider a bowl of cereal at 8:30 p.m. to be a midnight snack. But it's still after dinner, so it still feels good and naughty.
Appearances. If I keep a box of Cap’n Crunch in my pantry, everyone will think I’m in some state of arrested development, like some Marvel fanboy dipshit. Well, I’ll have you know that I’m a mature professional who doesn’t mess around with juvenile breakfast fare. No no, I eat a mature-looking cereal that looks as healthy as Wheaties while being its diametric opposite, and no one is any the wiser! Except for my wife, who once read the nutrition label on RBC and fainted. Her favorite cereal is Heritage Flakes. Maybe she and Marchman can bond over a delicious bowl of cud sometime.
As for me, I’m sticking with a winner. I now love mornings so much that I go to bed excited to wake up, which is some truly yuppie shit. No matter. I am a tight-assed, hyperactive morning person, and I won’t apologize for it. More importantly, I have cereal back on my personal menu, and that means more to me than you’ll ever know.
