Report: Marcelo Got Kicked Off Lyon For Farting

Brazilian center back Marcelo—not that Marcelo, not that one either—puffed into this season for Lyon as a clubhouse leader. The 34-year-old had just signed a new contract with Les Gones over the summer, keeping him with the club team where he'd spent the plurality of his career. He maybe could have helped his team toot to the top of the Ligue 1 and Europa League standings, butt for an unfortunate tendency to fart all over the place at the worst times possible. Marcelo was dropped from the first team after just three league games last Fall before quickly being dispatched off to another Ligue 1 team in January. At the time, the only reason given was that he was laughing in the locker room as Lyon's captain Leo Dubois was giving a speech following a grim 3-0 loss to Angers. Now we know the real reason: flatulences dans le vestiaire!

French paper L'Equipe has a long postmortem on Lyon's bad season, which I'm sure contains a lot of good anecdotes about non-fart stuff that I would enjoy if I spoke French, but as it were, we can't get too into the clouds; we must locate the particular stench that made everyone so mad at Marcelo. I don't want to gas this report up too much, though it's surprising that the circumstances of Marcelo's departure didn't catch wind until seven months later, as the silent but deadly news finally went public today.

Marcelo, once he was relieved by Lyon, found himself at Bordeaux, who are unfortunately at the butt end of Ligue 1 and about to get relegated. Lyon, meanwhile, covered their asses and are in the safety zone. Once the stench clears next year, perhaps they can ride the wind to a European finish once again.