I was listening to a podcast the other day, because I’m a bored white man. This was a football podcast, but the lead-in to this episode featured two women gabbing intensely about how Secret deodorant worked olfactory miracles not merely under their arms, but also on their privates. I’m paraphrasing, but here is my honest-to-God best memory of that exchange.
“You can put it on your [ZURRRP! sound effect]?” one women asks.
“Mmhmm!” says the other. “Just one spray down on my [ZURRRP! sound effect] and I get 36 hours of [background jingle engages] FRESHNESSSSSS!”
This was a strange ad to hear, and not only because I am not exactly the target audience. I have been alive for many years now, and in that time no one has asked for BIG DEODORANT to make a product they can safely put on their gooch. They’ve tried to sell Americans on body spray, and on douche (which is not safe to use), and on other taint-based aromatics. But they never had to naked gall to be like, “Hey yo, why not spray some Right Guard in your asscrack while you’re at it?” Now they are! Here’s Secret not only encouraging women to deodorize their junk with a supposedly all-body spray, but also claiming that “4 out of 5 gynecologists” recommended doing so. That’s not as impressive a claim as they think it is. If 20 percent of gynos are like THIS IS A BAD IDEA, I think any patient would be wise to hear that 20 percent out on the issue.
But it’s not just Secret aiming its wares at your genitals, and it’s not just women that these companies are targeting. Old Spice would like men to use their new spray on their peeners and nutsacks. A brand called Lume forgoes subtlety entirely and says you need their topical ointment so that you smell good during the “stanky wanky.” And if those varieties are too lowbrow for you, you can also buy an artisanal all-body stick to Febreze your grundle. It retails for $10.
Now, you and I can both smell a racket when we encounter one. While Secret managed to find four Hollywood Upstairs OB-GYN School graduates to endorse fumigating your lady bits, the average dermatologist will tell you that they’re worthless. And any man who’s ever had the misfortune of applying cologne to his nuts knows what can happen when commercial-grade chemicals come into contact with delicate or exposed skin. Dove, which sells its own empowering line of schlong and vajayjay sprays, told CBS News that they were merely filling a consumer need. A gap in the marketplace, if you will:
While some may view whole body deodorants as unnecessary, we at Dove know there is demand for this product. Unilever research found that 15% of Americans were looking for a full-body solution.
Maybe those 15 percent of Americans have never heard of Gold Bond, which is what I used back when I was single and didn’t want to scare off the ladies with my smelly dongoroo. Then I got older and realized that a person’s genitals are supposed to smell like genitals. It’s true. A combination of modern industry and a Puritanical residue has made Americans terrified to smell like people. This is bad, and not just for the usual reasons of corporate greed. I’m as averse to BO as anyone, but I also recognize that you can’t spend your whole life smelling like a fucking scented candle from head to toe. More to the point, it wouldn’t even be fun.
Because your balls smell for a reason. Your vagina smells for a reason. Sex smells for a reason. These are primal odors. Necessary ones. They’re designed by Mother Nature to elicit base, animal attraction between people. Perhaps you’ve quietly understood this while at the beach, or on a dance floor, or while you’re going down on another person. You smell the heat. You smell the bodily fluids. You smell the FUNK, and the funk is love.
So fuck these companies for trying to deprive you of that funk. They’re trying to stake claim to sacred parts of your body, and I won’t let them. Throw your Secret in the trash and let your crotch work its magic. That’s some freshness that’ll last more than 36 hours.
