Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about Skittles, playing sports with a full diaper, college football, and more.
Your letters:
Kevin:
Which sport would be the most unpleasant to compete in while wearing a diaper full of poop? Paul Pierce would say basketball, but what about you?
It’s wrestling. I didn’t even have to think about it. Wrestling is already a disgusting sport. I know because I did it for a year. You’re a greasy, hairy teen in a sweat-drenched singlet, trading acne oils with another greasy, hairy teen, all on top of a gym mat that still has staph germs from 1972 still living in the foam. Add a full diaper to that and the discomfort only increases. It’s fucking humiliating to be pinned. Again, I know from experience. But to be pinned while everyone can see the diarrhea leaking out of you? Cyanide pill, please.
Honorable mention to golf here. You might think that marathon running merits noting here, but marathon runners shit themselves every day and twice on Tuesday. It’s a badge of honor in that sport, and you get to run away from whatever mess you made on the asphalt. With golf, you have to walk to your ass collecting sweat for 18 miserable holes. I sharted myself on a golf course once, with a couple of holes to go. Longest walk of my life. Bad odors and mass chafing abounded.
Chris:
Like many rational Americans, I’m fucking tired of ignorance, bigotry and myopia infecting this country. After this last election, I feel so defeated. I live in a firm blue state, so it would be easy to retreat into my shell and think I won’t be affected. But this asshole is going to do everything and anything at the federal level he can get away with, not to mention I have friends and family living in red states run by lunatics. What do I do, Drew?!?
I’m gonna keep my shit together and take care of the things I can directly take care of: my family, my neighbors, my colleagues, my friends, my own body and soul. One thing that my father’s recent passing taught me is that I find the greatest satisfaction comes from doing good deeds for people I love. So I’ll keep doing that, and then see what happens from there. Basic “change starts at home” shit. I’m also gonna consume and make a lot of art, because art is good for the world and always has been.
Because I simply don’t know, nor do I understand, the dynamics at play out there. Trump won the popular vote, and he made gains across just about every demographic, even the ones he plans on fucking over. Why? How?
I found an essay from historian Jason Steinhauer that helped me on this end. Steinhauer outlined a foundational change in the politics of this country, and of the world at large, due to a global shift in how people consume and process information. Instead of reading a single newspaper every morning, or unwinding with a single movie at night, people now spend every day, wire to wire, sifting through an endless jumble of shit: social media feeds, YouTube vids, Rizzlers, spam, texts, and ads. The truth was always bound to get lost in all of that dreck, leaving everyone with their own beliefs and with an overarching distrust of everyone else’s:
On both the Left and the Right, a belief grew that these institutions principally existed to perpetuate their own privilege, and that liberation lay in user-centric technology, radical activism, and strident self-reliance: I am my own brand, my own retirement plan, and my own media ecosystem. As Elon Musk recently posted on X, “You, the individual, are the media now.” No institution can be more trustworthy than what I am able to know myself… Trump and his campaign learned from 2016 and 2020 that the old political model was dead and a new one had emerged. The electorate was cynical, angry, irreverent, anti-establishment and self-absorbed, and he would reflect that back to them. The candidate who promised to “burn it all down” would be the one the voters would hoist up.
There is, against all logic, a nonpartisan appeal to that. How many candidates have said that they’ve had enough of politics, just like you? Well, hear that enough times and you’re ready to do away with politics altogether. You get sick of elections. You get sick of democracy, and you want it to go away. Trump said he’d get rid of all of that nonsense, and voters liked the idea. Americans have no fucking idea what they want right now, they just know wanted something else. And that's exactly what they got.
In the meantime, things will suck major ass. As such, I’ll just have to deal. I’ve got my wits and I’ve got my dog. That’ll have to do.
Drew (not me):
Do you think anyone has farted in their car so badly at a drive thru that the person at the window could smell it?
Yeah probably. But if you work at a Wendy’s, bad smells will surround you for your entire shift. A secondhand fart isn’t gonna faze you much.
JD:
In the wake of the goddamn election, I’ve decided to cut Trump supporters from my life. There aren’t many (I live in a deep blue state), but I do have a friend since college I still see regularly and a couple of cousins. Have you tried this strategy? Any success?
It won’t work. The guy got a mandate, which means that avoiding the people who voted for him is all but impossible. And I just spent the past decade alternating between avoiding Trump voters and calling them Nazi scum. It accomplished nothing. So long as I live in this country, I’m gonna have to deal with these people rather than pretend they don’t exist. I won’t agree with them, and I probably never will. But this whole process of everyone trying to pwn everyone else isn’t one I care to live through again. I’d prefer to be as welcoming and as full of good cheer as I can possibly be, and see where it takes me. Shunning the world won’t make it go away.
Mike:
Tell me a joke. Been a shitty few days.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike? You picket.
Jeff:
Am I a new father? I've had a kid for two years now. At what point am I an expert father? I still feel like I don't know jack!
There are levels between “new” and “expert” in any field, much less parenting. I’ve been a parent for 18 years, and I still have a good amount to learn. That’s the joy and the frustration of having kids, and it’ll always be there. So let’s say that you don’t have to be a good parent to lose your new parent status. Marriage is good model for this. You’re newlyweds for one year. After that, you’re just like every other boring married couple. I say you’re a regular parent after a year on the job. Your baby now bores everyone, and we don’t care if she just learned how to spit in the toilet.
An even handier milestone is having a second child. If you’re going back to the baby well, you’re definitely no longer a new parent. Sorry. The thrill is gone for you, and for us.
HALFTIME!
John:
Will we ever get RedZone for college football?
Only if every conference with a TV contract consolidates with one another, which is where CFB appears headed anyway. Once the Big Ten and SEC loot their fading competitors, they’ll each offer some shabbily named RZC of their own (“Tune in to B1g Multiplay!”), and then combine those channels once they themselves get hitched. A week ago, I would’ve told you that antitrust laws would probably keep that from happening until the 2030s at the earliest. But there are no laws anymore, so call it Thursday.
I will not lament this happening, by the way. They’ve already started up bracketology for the 12-team playoff, and I like what I see. I fucking hated the bowl system, because it forced every team not named Alabama to go undefeated if they wanted a shot at winning it all. Now BYU is gonna be in the field, and even Indiana too. I am fucking PSYCHED for that. It’ll be exploitative, and it’ll strip college football of its last vestiges of school days tradition, but it’ll make for some kickass television. You think I’m gonna scoff at more distractions in my life these days? Ich don’t think so. Bring that shit to me, man.
Mike:
Please put Nick Sirianni back into the Fire This Asshole list and never, ever take him out again.
They’re 7-2! They might jolly well win the NFC again! You’re stuck with that dumbfuck! That’s not even a taunt. I want Nick Sirianni foraging through dumpsters as much as Eagles fans do, but his team is good! Nick Sirianni is the ultimate chaos agent, not Trump! Cower in fear!
Michael:
How you feel about those shiny helmets? I'm a 50-year old curmudgeon who hates most any aesthetic change, though I don't actually mind them too much. But I also think we'd see a redneck apocalypse if the Steelers or Packers busted them out.
I like all alternate helmets, especially in the NFL. I know that gloss and matte finishes have gotten tiresome to a lot of old cranks out there, but I’m not among them. The Texans’ devil costumes made me happy solely because of the shiny red helmets. I even like matte paint jobs on cars, and secretly want one for my own. My wife hates matte, so I’ll never live that bro-y dream. But I do turn my head anytime I see some wackass Tesla with a custom Batmobile finish.
More important, I’d like everyone to get weird with design. This has been a lousy century for aesthetics, with minimalism suffocating every product you see out there. Serifs are verboten, and no brand is allowed more than two colors per scheme. I can watch a TLC video from the 1990s and see more fashion risks than I can walking in a crowded mall for six hours straight. I need art that grabs me, because I’m sick of the news cycle commandeering my attention instead. Everyone’s so afraid of being mocked, even by a stranger online, that they go out of their way to not look silly. That’s not a world I want to live in, Trump or no Trump. I want silliness. I want people who aren’t afraid to make innocent fools of themselves. And that is why I am demanding that the New York Giants adopt an ugly cartoon mascot named Gulliver.
Lexa:
Since all the insurance companies are trying to be cute and jokey, please rank them. I say:
1. Mayhem like me (AllState)
2. Farmers Insurance, inoffensive
3. Stolen Valor Gronk (USAA)
4. Limu Emu (Liberty Mutual), trying too hard but fine
4. Ugh, Flo, I guess (Progressive)
5. State Farm
6. Getting hit by a bus without insurance.
7. Geico
I hate those USAA ads! I love me some Sam Elliott, but the basic message of stupid civilians think they can buy our product makes me want to end the troops. I remember one of those ads where dumbass Gronk was like, Oh, so I qualify for these rates? and the lady behind the counter gave him this incredibly disdainful look, like he’d just offered to shit in her coffee. I hate that lady, and I do NOT thank her for her sacrifice.
As for the rankings, I either watch all ads on mute or I fast forward through them if I’m watching on delay. As a result, I know that GEICO brought back the caveman mascot, but I have no clue what those ads are about. The only insurance ads I pay close attention to are the Dr. Rick ads for Progressive. There was also one Progressive ad where Flo’s guy buddy turned out to have a hot wife, and she was one of the most stunning women I’d ever seen. With all of that in mind, here are my own rankings for jokey insurance shit:
1. Progressive (non-Flo division)
2. GEICO
3. Farmers
4. Limu emu, which I don’t give a fuck about
5. Mayhem guy, who isn’t as cool as Dennis Haysbert was
6. Patronizing USAA horseshit
7. Third Trump term
8. State Farm. Dear Jake, please die and rot in hell.
John:
A friend of mine asked me what my favorite Skittles flavor was. I said I didn't have one, because it never occurred to me to eat Skittles individually. Skittles are clearly a handful snack, so it’s all one flavor as far as I'm concerned. Evidently, some people sort them out into individual little piles and eat them according to their flavor preferences. This seems ridiculous. Are Skittles the combination of all of their composite flavors, or should they be treated as individual, flavored candies?
My kids also sort their Skittles! They dump out a bag, make lines out of every corresponding flavor, and then commence eating. Like John, I don’t do this. I just stuff my face right away. Not interested in giving myself a craft project before I eat my candy. The ads order me to taste the rainbow, so that’s what I do.
But Skittles obviously do come in differing flavors, same as Starburst. I could give a shit about the orange flavored ones, so eating those as part of a handful gives those duds an additional flavor profile that they otherwise would have lacked. So you should treat Skittles as individually flavored, because they are. But you don’t have to eat them that way.
Pete:
I'm driving my wife and daughter to Toronto to see Taylor Swift in two weeks. It'll be my girl's first concert experience, and she gets to experience it with her mom, which is so cool. And yet I feel a little... jealous? Like, I didn't want to spend more money and be slightly entertained, and I am still going on the trip, to drive, and to eat poutine and drink Canadian craft beer. But I feel awful for feeling jealous.
Don’t feel bad for being jealous. Who the fuck wouldn’t want to check out a Taylor Swift show? I don’t have any strong feelings on Swift’s music one way or the other, but I know damn well that the woman knows how to give people their money’s worth. Makes perfect sense to want that experience for yourself, even if you can’t bring yourself to spend $1,000 for it.
You’re also missing out on the very real bonding element of taking your kid to a concert. I never forgot the concerts that my parents took me to when I was a kid (including Cyndi Lauper and Huey Lewis & The News), nor have my kids forgotten the times I took them to see The Struts, John Mulaney, and other cool shit. I’m actually taking the 12-year-old to Babymetal this week. Can’t fucking wait. Tickets were considerably less than those for a Swift concert.
Laura:
What is the symbol for the Throwgasm? I mean some of it is obvious, but what is all that other busyness around it? Who drew it and/or created it? I am a 61-year old woman and a crazed football fan. I must know for myself and for anyone who may be new to the Jamboroo.
I lifted the star rating system for games from an old dude named Gordon Forbes, who published an NFL viewing guide in USA Today every Friday when I was a teenager. Then I combined the star element with sperm, because it was the late aughts and I was still profiting from a jokey Rex Grossman post I did for Kissing Suzy Kolber that coined the throwgasm term. So that’s how you end up with stars and sperm cells joining forces. A KSK reader named Dan Vail did the visual throwgasm design, and he deserves to be lauded for it. Those were simpler times. Kinda.
Joe:
What I can do to try to raise two kids to be caring humans when a majority of the country turned out yesterday to vote a big approval of narcissism and venality?
Just parent them the same way you would have if shit hadn’t gone sideways. Raise them with the values you want them to have, and then model those values in your own behavior. They’ll be fine. More important, you’ll be their support system—and they likewise—during shit times. I’ve learned that lesson so often over the past 18 years that it’s an automatic comfort to me now. You show love, you teach love, you get love. Doesn’t have to be any more complex than that.
Email of the week!
Andy:
I bought a new pillow the summer before my freshman year in college. It was some nameless off-brand memory foam, softer and flatter than Tempurpedic, and I loved it. I loved it so much that I continued using it (as the top of a two-pillow set-up) for the next 16 years. Don't worry, writing that down, I can see how insane it looks. But every night I laid my head down in my own bed, there he was. Through college, apartment moves, breakups, sex(!), sleepless nights, mid-day naps, and so much drool, through all of my 20s as I matured from a dopey kid to a dopey adult.
Suddenly I'm 34, sharing a bed with my fiancée. When I wake up my neck hurts sometimes. Could it finally be time to retire my faithful pillow? I unzipped the protective bed bug cover and set the naked pillow up against my bedroom wall, not sure I was ready to commit to throwing it away. After a few nights with a new pillow arrangement, it was clear to me that it was time to move on. I moved the old pillow next to my apartment door (fourth floor walkup, in fairness) in preparation for taking it downstairs to the garbage bins in the basement. It's been several days and it's still sitting there by the door. It's legitimately upsetting to imagine it in some landfill after all of our nights together, absorbing garbage juice instead of my drool and other excretions. I guess my question is: Can you come over and throw it out? Because I don't think I can.
No, but my wife will. She’s wanted to throw out my pillow since the day she laid eyes on it. Keep dreaming, lady.
