Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Tennessee Titans

"Thought we were playing well defensively, thought we would get a punt inside the 10 and you know, try to play the field position game. Had some time there that I felt like we could."

Nashville is the Instagram of Towns. This city is useless except for bachelorette parties and contracting the Delta variant.

The only franchise in the league with two players to rush for 2,000 yards in a single season and the only thing truly memorable about them is a Super Bowl they lost by one yard.

The Titans traded for the greatest receiver of his generation and he immediately got sued for stealing from a weed company. Back in the day our star players used to just get murdered or almost murdered.

The Titans finally have a world-class, well-rounded offense, but it won't matter because the defense is going to piss it all away. Good thing we have an actual DC this year and not just, "what if Mike Vrabel did both jobs?" I can't wait for Kyler Murray, Russell Wilson, and Carson fucking Wentz to hang 400+ passing yards each on us the first three weeks.

This team has been to one Super Bowl and that was in their first season. The owner is a faildaughter. Our best quarterback in franchise history is either Ryan Tannehill or a guy killed by his jealous lover. Julio Jones is gonna remind fans of Carl Pickens and Randy Moss when they played for us.

I want to be excited about Julio Jones but this is the same team that signed Randy Moss only to never use him, so I can’t shake the feeling we will somehow screw this up too.

Every sports talk host in the Bachelorette party capital of the world is going to say he's too cocky.

Nashville is a sentient Covid-19 virus with cowboy boots that alternatively screams woo and the n-word.We nabbed Julio just as his Achilles transitioned to crab meat.Our coach is a ex-Patriot lunkhead who will lose us two games because he wants to “establish the run” while losing by 10.The stadium is probably the worst in the NFL. T-Rac is a very dumb mascot. 9-8.

Our GM: Jon Robinson, seen here mismanaging both a basic understanding of neckties and proper hair gel usage. Robinson is a good ole boy mouth breather from COVIDtopia, East Tennessee who worked his way up through the ranks in New England and then Tampa Bay to start yet another Patriots annexation site. Since arriving in Nashville, he has presided over teams that have gone 9-7, 9-7, 9-7, 9-7, and 11-5 (quite the outlier). Jeff Fisher, himself a former paragon of consistency, would start the next pandemic to kill millions to be able to hit that level of barely-winning mediocrity. His only moments of genius were trading nothing for a broken Ryan Tannehill and taking essentially a flier on the type of running back the NFL had left behind over a decade before.

I have given the man too much credit. Now for the criticism.

Tannehill and Henry turned out to be world beaters. All we needed to actually threaten for the Super Bowl was a great defense. And yet Robinson spent high draft picks on the likes of Kevin Dodd, Adoree Jackson, Rashaan Evans, Harold Landry, and Kristian Fulton, who are either no longer with the team or are severely underperforming and are certain to not be re-signed. Not to mention great choices like Isaiah Wilson, woman beaters Jeffery Simmons and Rashad Weaver, and Luke Falk. Did you know that Robinson has not signed a single first round draft pick of his to a second contract?.

Taylor Lewan will get COVID at a Barstool anti-vaxx convention and cause us to miss a game altogether) Julio Jones is two years too late to the party.

In Jon We Trust, my ass. 

P.S. Please don't come to Nashville. We are overcrowded as it is and the state government is actively trying to turn Tennessee into the Republic of Gilead. Dolly Parton/Jason Isbell 2024!

I already understood the implications of being a fan of a team from Tennessee, but between the COVID outbreak last year and the continuing Barstoolification of the Titans, it's getting tougher and tougher to want to associate with them. The fans on Twitter are toxic as hell, getting unreasonably angry at any perceived slight from a media member. They're also constantly arguing about who the "real" fans are even though if the Titans had any real fans, maybe Nissan Stadium wouldn't be the oasis it is for opposing teams.

Watching the team last year was equal parts lovely and horrifying. The offense was incredibly fun and I wanted to gouge my eyes out any time the defense was on the field. Opponents routinely converted 3rd & 14s against a soft as tissue secondary, and the team tied a record for the fewest sacks from a team that made the playoffs. The big offseason signings of Vic Beasley and Jadeveon Clowney resulted in exactly zero sacks and approximately six games played. What did Mike Vrabel do to fix the defense? Took no responsibility himself for running the defense and then promoted the guy who he claimed was running the defense to defensive coordinator. The success of the defense this year relies on a first time DC, a hopefully not injured Bud Dupree, and a bunch of rookies in the secondary. Can't wait.

Derrick Henry is fun as hell tho.

I love this roster. I really do. But our coaching stinks. The defense got better on paper but they're gonna suck just as much as every other year Vrabel has been head coach, because he's a leader of men and nothing else. His schemes suck, he refused to have a defensive coordinator for two years in a row, and then after people caught on that his defense couldn't stop a wet fart, he "promoted" the linebackers coach to DC. Problem is that Shane Bowen was already calling plays on that side of the ball, so this is going to be the same shitty defense under a different name. Kyler Murray will rush for 150 yards and throw five touchdowns Week 1 and Vrabel will be squatting on the sideline, lips pursed, watching his team collapse like an overweight Ukrainian rapper. All he needs is a baby blue tracksuit.