Some people are fans of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Atlanta Falcons. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: LOL KIRK
Your 2023 record: Ugh, but I wanna get to all the Kirk stuff! I don’t wanna have to actually talk about the FALCONS. Are you shitting me? I’d rather hang with J.D. Vance than talk about the Falcons. Especially the 2023 vintage, which started out 2-0 and then 28-3’ed themselves the rest of the way. The Falcons got picked off in the waning moments to lose to the Commanders. They let Tennessee rookie QB Will Levis, whom they could have drafted, throw four TDs in his first start as a professional. They watched Kyler Murray come back from an ACL injury, and from five Xbox tours of Iraq, to beat them at the gun. And they allowed emergency QB Josh Dobbs to engineer a last-second touchdown drive to lose at home to Minnesota.
Dobbs, as you might remember, had only been with the Vikings for five days, and had to be walked through every play-call by his head coach as the game was in progress. He still beat Atlanta anyway. But the Falcons would get their revenge on the poor Vikings by snatching away their starting QB just a few months later! KIRKO CHAINZ IS ABOUT TO TAKE THE ATL BY STORM!!!
My apologies. I’m getting ahead of myself. God, they really signed Kirk Cousins. Unfuckingreal.
Back to 2023. The Falcons let Bucs TE Cade Otton score the game-winning touchdown against them. They also blew their division lead late in the season with a 9-7 loss to Carolina. That’s right, America: David Tepper’s Panthers actually won a couple of games last year. Of course one of those wins came at Atlanta’s expense. Of course the Falcons drafted a running back in the top 10 then never bothered to use him properly. Of course they finished tied for second to last in turnover differential. Of course their slobbity slob head coach got into a needless catfight with Kurt Warner and then went 7-10 for the third straight year. Of course their best D-lineman tore his ACL. And of course the only time they showed real fire out there was when their starting quarterback blew yet another touchdown throw:
The Falcons came out of this debacle of a season believing they needed a new head coach (done), and a new quarterback (done done). Everything would be hunky-dory after that. Again, that’s the lesson that the Falcons took away from this. Everyone else watched all of that and thought, Ah OK, this whole putting an NFL franchise in Atlanta thing was a mistake. Maybe Atlanta as a whole should just not exist anymore.
But those 57 years of futility didn’t make their way to the Falcons’ braintrust. These people still think this roster is good (snickering). They still think they can win the division (breaking out in more audible forms of laughter). In fact, they think they’re just one player away from winning it all (laughing so hard I just tore off my own scalp)! Oh yeah, Arthur Blank! You’ve got a sleeping juggernaut on your hands, old man! Just a few parts from aisle 67 of a nearby Home Depot and this baby’ll ready to roll!
Your coach: Bill Belich—NOPE!
That’s former Rams DC Raheem Morris, who had a speed date coaching the Bucs over a decade ago that accomplished nothing. After getting shitcanned by Tampa in favor of Greg Schiano (oh my god), Morris went back to the assistant ranks and built his reputation back up to the point where Falcons brass—still inexplicably led by GM Terry Fontenot—picked him to take over, instead of the most decorated/toxic coach in NFL history. Morris seems nice enough, but I’m through talking about him now. Let’s get to the Kirk part.
Your quarterback: LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK LOL KIRK
You did it. You looked at Kirk Cousins—with a 1-4 playoff record and a freshly torn Achilles—and said to yourselves, “That’s our man.” You even tampered to lock him down and had to eat a draft pick for it. I’m a Vikings fan. My team thought along those same lines back in the spring of 2018. So let me tell you folks in Falcons County how the Kirk Experience is gonna play out. You’re going to talk yourself into outlet mall Matt Ryan because otherwise well-meaning pundits gave you hope, and because Kirk’s contract, with $90 million guaranteed, leaves you no choice. You’ll watch Kirk throw for yardage, maybe even win a few games, and you’ll be relieved that you finally have a decent starting quarterback instead of Desmond Ridder, who just got shipped off to Arizona for a package of Airheads.
You will be happy. For a week or two. Other fans will say “lol kirk” and you’ll be like, “I don’t know what their beef is with Kirk; he’s the least of this team’s worries!” Then Kirk will go three-and-out in a tight spot and the sensible football fan in you will realize that something about this man is amiss. You’ll ignore that feeling as best you can, game after game. The laughter from outside will grow louder as the Falcons get stuck in irons and Kirk reverts to fourth-round form in every primetime matchup. But his looming cap hit will force you—force you!—to gouge out your own eyes and pretend that he’s still a real QB. That if you surround him with the exact right people at the other 21 positions on the field you’ll unlock a legend.
You’ll keep up that façade for a few more months, maybe even a full season and change, before you can’t hide your disgust any longer. You will grow to loathe Kirk’s presence on your television screen. Every “lol kirk” will sting because A) It’s true, and B) There’s nothing you can do about it. You will beg for either Kirk to leave town or for you to die … whichever one comes first. And once Kirk is finally gone, you will feel uncaged, free at last to spread your gorgeous falcon wings and fly away. You will be happy. Liberated. #ItGetsBetter.
But for now, you are stuck in Kirk prison. And guess what? I’m glad it’s you, Falcons. This is what you get for 1998. This is what you get for 28-3. This is what you get for your ghoulish participation in Project NFC South. Ever since Minnesota let Kirk walk, I feel like I’ve inhaled every last molecule of nitrous oxide on this planet. Now he’s finally someone else’s problem, and I have ZERO sympathy for them.
Paying a hobbled Kirk Cousins $90 million guaranteed is the kind of thing you do when you have a predeceased owner who’s shifted into Win Now mode and has abandoned rational decision-making in favor of stuffing $1,000 bills into an empty fuel tank. To make matters worse, the Falcons rendered that signing even more absurd a mere two months later when this happened:
“WHAT?!!! WHAT WHAT?!” is the correct response to drafting QB Michael Penix Jr. at No. 8 overall when the Falcons already had an expensive starting QB in place. Answers, as you might have guessed, remain elusive. I’ve read plenty of “Here’s why drafting Michael Penix might have actually been a good idea” takes this summer. None of them were convincing, nor were Fontenot’s later attempts to smooth things over with fans. You don’t sign one QB to a massive free-agent deal and then draft another one. You especially don’t do that if the rookie in question is a consensus second-round value like Penix, who’s nearly as old as Kirk and half as mobile. And what if I told you that Penix hasn’t even won the back-up job yet? Would that stun you? Of course not. These are the Falcons. They’re really, really stupid.
What’s new that sucks: Oh wow, look at the weapons that Kirk has at his disposal now! The Falcons added WRs Ray-Ray McCloud, Rondale Moore, and Darnell Mooney to the roster this offseason. Tell me your beak isn’t rock-hard at the thought of those three streaking down the field and then pulling up with three torn hammies. Meanwhile, this defense has the worst projected DVOA in the league going into 2024. Gone are DT Calais Campbell, CB Jeff Okudah, EDGE Bud Dupree, and CB Tre Flowers. Here to take their places are … honestly, does it really matter? I don’t know who any of these people are, and you don’t either. Suffice it to say, you will need Kirk to post 350 yards pre-garbage time in every game if you want any chance of success. He will come through for you against Carolina and no one else.
What has always sucked: This is where I get to make fun of TE Kyle Pitts, who blows. Pitts, drafted No. 4 overall three years ago, has scored six touchdowns in his career. TE Sam LaPorta, whom the Lions drafted in the second round a year ago, has 10. So please, stop telling me that Pitts is good. He’s 22nd overall in PFF’s positional rankings. He splits out wide exclusively so that color guys have something to point out before the snap. There’s no magic trick to unlock this man’s supposedly abundant talents. He’s a slob. Even with a two-headed nursing home at QB, Pitts will still register 35 catches on the year and you won’t remember any of them. One of your buddies will draft him three rounds too soon in your fantasy draft.
Bijan Robinson fumbles all the time and becomes incapable of running for 100 yards once late October hits. Drake London is only slightly less disappointing than Pitts. No one here can rush the passer. Braves fans are about as fun as cancer of the rectum. Atlanta is Los Angeles for medium talents. Blank will die ringless, and so will all of you. 28-3. Lol Kirk.
What might not suck: I really like EDGE Bralen Trice, whom the Falcons snagged in the third round. He’ll round out into a fine pass rusher by the time Atlanta has its QB situation worked out. Call it 2031.
HEAR IT FROM FALCONS FANS!
Ted:
Who is in charge of talent management in this organization and why have they not been fired out of a cannon for blowing this much money on a shitty product.
Frank:
All the goodwill that Arthur Blank bought with me from finally shitcanning Arthur Smith immediately evaporated when he signed Kirk Cousins for 100 million actual dollars.
Andrew:
We sign (most of) Kirk Cousins to a $160 Million dollar deal. When the eighth pick rolls around, the Falcons have LITERALLY EVERY DEFENSIVE PLAYER AVAILABLE to choose from. So what do we do with said pick? Pick up a monster pass rusher? Trade down for more picks? NEGATIVE, GHOSTRIDER!
Brent:
We drafted a quarterback whose name is a Bart Simpson prank call to Moe's Tavern.
Travis:
I actively stopped watching them after That Fucking Night and they still haunt me… lurking around the corner like a Cowboys exec in the wrong locker room.
AM:
Thank god I never have to watch Ridder again, but then they spent $200 mil on Cousins and Penix, who have one working leg between the both of them. Watching the draft was like a veteran having Vietnam-style flashbacks to everything this franchise has done.
Harrison:
This team could have hired the greatest coach of all time this offseason, but didn't do it because Arthur Blank was afraid he would shake things up around the organization too much. This is an organization that not only needs to be shaken, but stomped on, thrown down a fucking mineshaft, and obliterated by the molten core of the Earth.
Doug:
I love them, but they are not serious people.
Look at our last first-round draft picks: a tight end (at #4!); a WR who wasn't even the best receiver on his own college team; an RB at a time when NFL running backs have become as expendable as McDonald's napkins; and an injury-prone QB right after we already threw $180M at injured-ass Kirk Cousins. What will 2025's first-round pick be? Another TE? A punter? A third baseman? A Kia Sorento? It could be literally anything! The possibilities are limited only by your imagination!
Deion Sanders is the most memorable player in franchise history, yet we're the least memorable franchise he played for. The one saving grace of following the Dirty Birds is that we probably have the least racist fan base in the league, since the Let's-Go-Brandon MAGA dipshits from the exurbs only care about their college teams and are convinced they'll get shot if they so much as set foot inside I-285.
If I have to see Tom Brady in one more interview/roast/commercial/ass-licking documentary, I'm going to punch a kitten.
Eric:
We fired Coach Morris after he replaced Coach Quinn so that we could hire Coach Smith, who we fired to hire Coach Morris again. We’re the human centipede of front offices. I think the Falcons just save the nameplate of every coach that comes in the building so we can save $10 bucks on printing when they return.
Rosalyn:
They have sold the world on Drake London being an underrated WR as opposed to an overrated TE or an adequately rated competitive eater. They continue to stockpile RBs like they're the '75 Steelers. They haven't thought to acquire someone who might actually cause a QB concern before he slices and dices their secondary like a hibachi chef on meth.
The only thing this team does better than the Georgia Bulldogs is drive.
Chris:
I took my 12-year-old son to see the Falcons play the Colts last Christmas Eve. During the Uber ride to the stadium, we stopped at a red light and watched a guy on the sidewalk light up a rock of crack. Of course, my teenage son noticed. Trying to spin it in a positive/non-scary way, I said to him, "Congratulations, you don't see that every day!"
The Falcons beat the Colts 29-10. After Arthur Smith was fired, someone mentioned that game was his largest margin of victory in his three seasons as head coach. I looked it up because I thought that it that couldn't be true. But yep, you better believe that was his peak as the head coach of the Atlanta Falcons.
So my original statement about the crack smoking guy holds true for Arthur Smith. A 19-point victory? "Congratulations, you don't see that every day!"
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