Some people are fans of the Baltimore Ravens. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Baltimore Ravens. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: You had one fucking job.
Your 2023 record: 13-4. Best point differential in the league. Best rushing team in the league. Beat the Dolphins and Niners by a combined score of 89-38 in the final weeks of the season. Cruised into the AFC title game as the one-seed and betting favorites to reach the Super Bowl. Everything was set up for the Ravens to win their third ring. To eradicate, for all time, any doubts as to whether their quarterback had championship mettle. And to give America a welcome, if temporary, respite from Kansas City’s Eras tour. All they had to do was the same shit they’d been doing all season, against a Chiefs team with a WR room that would get laughed out of the Big 12.
So what happens? The Ravens go out onto the field and look like a dog trying to pass the bar exam. They handed the ball to their running backs a combined six times. Their offense ran nearly half as many plays as KC’s did. Right as Baltimore was threatening to make the game close, their rookie wideout got pinched for taunting, and then fumbled the ball at the goal line moments later. Their two-time MVP quarterback missed so many throws that Bill Polian had to clean himself up with a dirty sock. Their defense committed not one, but two 15-yard penalties on a drive that started at the Chiefs 11-yard line. And then they let Marquez Valdes-Scantling, the worst receiver who ever lived, ice the game.
This was the lousiest AFC title game I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching. You don’t even have to take it from me. Just look at this drive summary from the entire second half. Fucking look at it!
I could’ve had Niners–Ravens II in the Super Bowl. A couple of lucky bounces and I could’ve even had Ravens–Lions. But noooooooooooo. No, the Ravens decided to eat their own feathers instead. I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have trusted a team that got swept in the regular season by the legendary QB tandem of Kenny Pickett and Mason Rudolph, and then blew a 31-17 fourth-quarter lead to Deshaun Watson and the Browns. I should’ve remembered that their best pass catcher and their best corner were both hobbled going into the AFC title game, eventually logging a mere 31 snaps between them. Oh, and I really should’ve remembered that they were going against Patrick Mahomes. Why on earth did I buy into this team? Does this make me stupid enough to be an official Baltimorean?
Anyway, you guys fucked it.
Your coach: John Harbaugh, known to his family as “the quiet one.” Harbs reaped the benefits of employing an actual offensive coordinator last season in former Georgia OC Todd Monken. The problem is that his defensive staff peaced out this offseason, with former DC Mike Macdonald taking the head coaching gig in Seattle and assistant Anthony Weaver going to Miami to be the Dolphins’ DC. Your new DC is former Ravens linebacker Zach Orr, who’ll be fired the second you guys get knocked out in the divisional round.
Your quarterback: Lamar Jackson, who at this point can only blame himself for the neutron bomb of takes that goes off every time he bows meekly out of the playoffs. You think I enjoy seeing people like Denny from Dundalk feeling validated? I do not. What I’d prefer is that Lamar run-and-gun his way to a title, prove the haters wrong, and then get on with suffering the career-ending knee injury that we all know is coming for him.
But that’s never gonna happen so long as Lamar lets Jesus take the wheel anytime an opposing defense cuts off his running lanes. You wanna gag in the big moments, L.J.? Fine. But at least have the courtesy to not bore me when you do. Go study tape of the Bills so that you can eat shit with some flair next time. And stop throwing into triple coverage.
Behind Lamar is Josh Johnson, whose playing career will outlast the NFL itself.
What’s new that sucks: Derrick Henry. That’s basically it. GM Eric DeCosta watched his team get annihilated in time of possession against the Chiefs and was like, We should probably get a running back. So say goodbye to injury collectors Gus Edwards and J.K. Dobbins, and say hello to the last of the bell cows. Derrick Henry may be on the wrong side of 30, but he’s also built like a cyborg and still has the ability to win games all by himself. That’ll come in handy when Lamar does his best Nathan Peterman impression in tight spots. So King Henry’s arrival sounds promising, until you consult the list of all the other RBs in NFL history who got the “We have the final piece of the puzzle!” treatment: Ricky Williams, Herschel Walker, Eric Dickerson, Clinton Portis, Le’Veon Bell, and other non-luminaries. This is 2024. No running back is gonna fix your problems, not when your QB decides to shit himself instead of making a beeline for the locker room toilet.
Meanwhile, Orr’s defense will have to make do without LB Patrick Queen (gone to the hated Steelers), S Geno Stone, CB Ronald Darby, and a shockingly revitalized Jadeveon Clowney. If you’d like to count the free-agent additions of LB Chris Board and S Eddie Jackson as effective countermeasures, be my guest. Travis Kelce will still be running free 20 yards downfield on every play the next time you see him.
This offense won’t necessarily be able to make up the difference. Lamar and WR Zay Flowers are still here to do cool shit, as is a hopefully healthy TE Mark Andrews. But free agency left Baltimore down three starters along the O-line, with only C Tyler Linderbaum and hobbled LT Ronnie Stanley remaining. And did I mention that Rashod Bateman is your WR2? Rashod Bateman isn’t qualified to work a hot dog stand. Know how many 100-yard games Bateman had last year? Zero. Know how many he’s had his whole career? Two. Get this man the fuck out of my face. Send him down to Jacksonville to be a shitty punt returner already.
Your WR3 is Nelson Agholor, which is downright tragic. Your new fourth-round cornerback is a dude named T.J. Tampa, which is such a fun name I can hardly stand it. It’s like a pro wrestler who decided to become a private detective.
What has always sucked: I have lived in Maryland for two decades and am firmly of the mind that Baltimore doesn’t belong in this state. Make D.C. a part of Maryland and I’m down. But Baltimore is a waste of time. In fact, it’s a demonstrably Pennsylvanian city. The accent is the same. The shitty drivers are the same. The white residents terrified of their own downtown are the same. The antipathy toward successful black QBs who play for their own team is the same. And the collective IQ of Baltimore County, like PA, is five. This is Philly with better weather and zero personality.
Baltimore residents will quibble with this idea. They’ll tell me I’m just another dickhead transplant who doesn’t understand their city. Well lemme tell you crabhumpers a little secret: If you have to go out of your way to defend your hometown, it means that you live in a shitty town. You see Parisians having to put down every hater that shows up on le radar? No, because everyone knows that Paris is great. With Baltimore, you better hire Jack Smith to lay out your case, because no one outside of your city thinks highly of it. In fact, they don’t think about Baltimore at all. You fuckers are gonna need a reboot of The Wire (starring Willow Smith!) to show up on Peacock before you’re top of mind again.
The Ravens are of no help to your cause. Despite being around for nearly 30 years and winning two titles, America still regards them as the team Art Modell stole from Cleveland. They also ditched a Royal Farms sponsorship in favor of Wawa. And as long as Lamar keeps choking on a lake trout every time he’s in the red zone in a conference title game, the eternal face of Baltimore’s NFL franchise will be a dancing assistant murderer. So get Baltimore the fuck out of my face. Send it to one of the loser states, and never bother the rest of us with it again.
Half of all Maryland residents still don't grasp that Larry Hogan is a Republican. Flowers was accused of pointing a gun at a lady this offseason. Marlon Humphrey is a fucking weirdo.
What might not suck: Second-highest win projection of any team in the league this year, with only the 49ers ranking higher. So congrats on your sabermetric AFC championship. No need to play the games. That’d only ruin it.
HEAR IT FROM RAVENS FANS!
Jordan:
First day of practice and the Ravens send out a tweet saying “QB Lamar Jackson is not practicing today and has been sent home with an illness.” His immune system is worse at security than the secret service at a Trump rally.
John:
They got to the AFC championship game and pretended to be a different team.
Kurt:
In each of the Ravens last three playoff losses, they have turned the ball over at the opponent's goal line.
Jesse:
Six RB carries in the AFC Championship game. SIX. By the #1 rushing team in the league. In a one-score game. The ghost of Greg Roman will possess Harbaugh again this year and we'll lose to the Chiefs/Bills/Bengals in the playoffs after inexplicably calling 30 Derrick Henry go routes.
Garrett:
The AFC Championship game was the most Democratic Party-ass performance I've ever seen in my life. So clearly the superior team, all undone by fumbling the ball away multiple times and trying to throw the ball a million times instead of using the best running game in the league against a team that was desperately trying to lose. If only 15 of the 16 things that went wrong had happened, the Ravens would still have won.
Eamonn:
Because Gus Edwards’ first carry in the AFCCG went for 15 yards and we only gave him the ball two more times.
We had one of the greatest GMs in NFL history and he couldn’t pick a decent wide receiver if his children’s lives depended on it.
Jamie:
Six years into his career, Lamar has as many MVP Awards as playoff wins.
Everyone hated the strength and fitness coach, but he was Harbaugh's workout buddy and so kept his job for years. Even after infecting the entire team with COVID in 2020, resulting in the Ravens playing the Steelers on a Wednesday afternoon. Nothing could touch him until the NFLPA survey came out and the players gave the guy an F. He was fired days later.
Players have to pass Harbaugh's legendarily tough conditioning test before they're allowed to start practicing in training camp. So guys show up in great shape, dominate the meaningless preseason, and get more and more worn out until they suffer another humiliating playoff loss.
Luke:
Our stud rookie wide receiver, Zay Flowers, says he models his game after Antonio Brown. In the AFC Championship Game against the Chiefs, Flowers decided it was a good time to show off what he'd learned. He's still the best wide receiver this team has ever drafted. God help us.
Dragutin:
I spent 2019 and 2020 in prison. I missed out on Lamar's first MVP season and on his first playoff win. Obviously, I was super excited for the great things that awaited my team after I got out. You know how that turned out.
Fuck Lamar's injuries. I see he decided to lose weight again, so I'm looking forward to his leg being ripped out of the joint in week 14.
Fuck Greg Roman. Fuck Don Martindale. Fuck the Seahawks for poaching the best defensive coordinator in the league from us after just one season. Fuck my friend who’s Seahawks fan. I hope they never make the playoffs again. Fuck Todd Monken. My girlfriend, who knows nothing about football, was asking what's with the run game during the AFC Championship.
And last but not the least, fuck me and my brother for once unironically thinking that Joe Flacco could end up with as many SB rings as Tom Brady.
Dewey:
When Zay Flowers committed that touchback, I knew we’d lost. The NFL didn't rig the game. We fucked ourselves. Will I personally build Metal Gear Rex and wipe Kansas and Missouri off the face of the map if the Chiefs win the Super Bowl again? [Redacted]. Go Ravens.
Andy:
A couple years ago I saw a man and a woman walking around the Baltimore inner harbor. The man was wearing a Ray Rice jersey and a MAGA hat. I’d like to think he represents only half our fanbase, but let’s not kid ourselves.
Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: San Francisco 49ers.
