Some people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Carolina Panthers.
Your 2023 record: 2-15. Under other circumstances, going 2-15 with a new coach and a rookie quarterback is a relatively normal occurrence. The new guys eat shit for a year, get the hang of things in Year 2, and then HEY NOW, by Year 3 their championship window is officially open. A proven formula, if you’re not the Jets.
Ask any Panthers fan, right now, if they feel like that’s a plausible trajectory for their team. They will pin you down and carve FUCK TEPPER into your forehead using a Bowie knife, and they’ll be right to do so. You impossible shithead. Did you not see what went on with this team a year ago? These fans did. Fucking Voyager 2 saw it, and Voyager 2 isn’t even in our solar system anymore.
To set the scene: the Panthers went 7-10 in the 2022 season. They fired over-caffeinated shithead Matt Rhule in the middle of that season, promoted Steve Wilks to interim head coach, and ripped off four wins in their last six games to close out that campaign with what appears to have been their final scrap of dignity. After the season was over, the owner let Wilks dangle, brought in a new head coach in Frank Reich, and then drafted Alabama QB Bryce Young No. 1 overall. This is what positive momentum looks like.
It would last for roughly three quarters. The 2023 Panthers dropped their first six games and 10 of their first 11. They got shut out by the Jaguars in what would prove to be Jacksonville’s lone December victory. They helped Bucs wideout Mike Evans loudly burnish his Hall of Fame credentials. They gave the Vikings their first win after they let safety Harrison Smith charge into the backfield despite him wearing a sign around his beck that said I AM GOING TO BLITZ.
These Panthers cleared 20 points just four times. They had the fourth-best defense in terms of yardage, but that meant nothing because they had the fourth-worst defense in terms of points allowed. On offense, they were DFL in total yards, passing yards, and points per game. Their best offensive performance of the season came against Green Bay in a game that they still lost, right before the gun, on an Anders Carlson field goal. The Lions—the Lions!—were so comfortable playing these Panthers that they busted out every last “garbage time in Madden” play call, and all of them worked. Why wouldn’t they have? These are the Panthers. You don’t have to play real football to beat them.
Carolina’s only victories last season came against the Texans (how?!) and a 9-7 “win” against the Falcons that featured 487 yards of combined offense. Their new free-agent workhorse back amassed 432 yards rushing. They only had one receiver catch over 50 passes. And, as a crowning insult, they lost to the Bears, all but handing Chicago the No. 1 overall pick in the process. Everyone got fired. Again. Fans lost all hope. Again. And the owner filled his diaper with a thick, viscous, green stool. Again.
Your coach: Honestly, does it even fucking matter? Regardless of whoever gets to hold the title of “head coach” in this organization, they still have to dance whenever this man fires his six-shooter at their feet:
Days before Thanksgiving, with the team spiraling and Young getting pummeled, Tepper told Reich to fix the rookie’s footwork. Fitterer and others had told Tepper that Young’s feet were the cause of some of the Panthers’ protection issues. They believed Young wasn’t dropping back deep enough on his pass sets… Tepper’s instruction about Young’s footwork came after weekly conversations between Tepper and Reich on Young’s development and early struggles.
That’s owner and hat bandit David Tepper, who serves as evidence that "Dan Snyder" is not a person, but rather an ancient, malevolent spirit that must be in possession of one active NFL owner at all times. A Fallen-type scenario, in which the curse is passed from one rich guy to the next after they accidentally touch hands while reaching for a shrimp at the owners’ meetings raw bar. David Tepper has had as many coaches in his six years as owner as the Steelers have had since 1957, and I have zero doubt that he can build on that lead until, like the arc of a parabola, it extends off the grid and out into the infinite.
Anyway, your current victim is Dave Canales, who at least will still be handsome when he’s given his walking papers.
Canales worked wonders with Geno Smith in Seattle before taking over the OC job in Tampa and doing likewise with Baker Mayfield. But both of those jobs are kindergarten shit compared to the task that awaits Canales in Charlotte.
Your quarterback: Lollipop Guild member Bryce Young, who cost the Panthers two first-rounders (one of which became Caleb Williams), two second-rounders, and WR DJ Moore. Young cleared 200 yards passing only five times, and 300 only once. He was sacked 62 times, second in the league only behind Sam Howell. PFF currently has him as their 35th ranked QB across the entire NFL, below the likes of Kenny Pickett, Aidan O’Connell, Tommy DeVito, and Zach Wilson. Every analytics tool spits out a 404 error when you ask it to evaluate this poor shrimp:
Here is where I note that the Panthers drafted Young over C.J. Stroud, who would go on to make the Houston Texans into a Super Bowl threat after just one year on the job. That could have been you, Carolina, but it’s not. The Houston Texans, of all teams, got one over on you. You know how Jags fans still lament drafting a punter instead of Russell Wilson? OK, well imagine multiplying that buyer’s remorse by a factor of 9,000. That’s the kind of long-term ruin we’re talking about here.
And Bryce Young isn’t even a turd like Ryan Leaf was, so Panthers fans can’t pin this failure on him being a coke-addled rageaholic. The kid is a bust, and nothing Canales does to improve him will help because, at any second, Tepper could come storming into the coach’s office screaming MAKE HIM LAYER THE BALL OR I’LL TEAR YOUR DICK OFF, and then we’re back to square one again. And again and again and again.
Your backup is Andy Dalton. Behind him is Jack “The Snack” Plummer.
What’s new that sucks: You’d think this roster couldn’t get any worse, but GUESS WHAT FUCKOS? It’s worse. That fourth-ranked D from last year just lost its best player in edge rusher Brian Burns, whom Carolina traded to the Giants for a second-rounder plus a side of coleslaw. Carolina could’ve gotten two firsts for Burns had they taken the Rams up on a fat trade offer for him last offseason. But why extract maximum trade value from a disgruntled player when you can keep him around and break his will instead? What, you think David Tepper prefers winning to making people’s lives miserable? History shows otherwise.
Now, let’s see who else this defense lost: S Vonn Bell, S Jeremy Chinn, and LB Frankie Luvu. But fear not: new GM and future CTE fatality Dan Morgan brought in reinforcements in the form of EDGE D.J. Wonnum (ranked 74th at his position by PFF), DT A’Shawn Robinson (75th), and a doggie bag containing some leftover Jadeveon Clowney in it. Mark Schlereth will have nothing but good things to say about this defense as the Panthers go on to lose 20-7 right in front of him.
Because Carolina is counting on the “improvements” it made on offense to make up the difference. They signed guards Robert Hunt and Damien Lewis to help protect Young, and they also drafted WR Xavier Legette and RB Jonathon Brooks to give their Lego Movie QB some extra weapons to play with. The resulting fireworks display will surely be enough to get Tepper the $650 million in free stadium money he so predictably craves:
WFAE obtained the full survey results, which showed that—by a nearly 4 to 1 margin—people who responded are against the project. But when Charlotte’s economic development director Tracy Dodson summarized the results of the survey Monday she dramatically downplayed the negative reaction to the deal.
WHAT WERE THE FUCKING ODDS. This team may as well have been purchased through a third-party vendor on Amazon.
What has always sucked: Near-retirement Adam Thielen is still the best skill position player on this roster, and boy is he happy to be here!
“I think they’re behind a little bit as far as facilities,” Thielen said, speaking over Zoom video call Monday during a media event for the American Century Championship, a celebrity golf tournament he’ll participate in next month. “We probably have the worst facilities in the NFL right now, and I don’t think there is anybody who would argue that.”
There isn’t. This is the worst franchise in the NFL. Jets fans look down on Panthers fans, and are right to. I’d rather get myself off with a lit stick of dynamite than watch this glorified UFL outfit. Relocate them to the bottom of the fucking ocean.
Jaycee Horn will get hurt again.
What might not suck: The team hired PFF legend Eric Eager as part of their personnel department, which is worth lauding here despite the looming Tepper Effect. Let us pray that Eric makes it out of Charlotte with his reputation, and all of his hats, still intact.
HEAR IT FROM PANTHERS FANS!
Will:
David Tepper.
David:
This shit isn't even cathartic anymore. I shoulda never quit drinking.
Jimmy:
I was bigger than Bryce Young when I was in the 7th grade.
Dan:
A Jets-level QB bust.
Chris:
We could have every first round pick and Tepper would screw it up. He couldn’t just be satisfied being rich and aloof and owning a team. He has to throw tantrums and drinks or snatch hats off of restaurant employees because he doesn’t want others to be happy, either. Tepper’s the Grinch without the hair or the adorable dog.
Riley:
I’m sure most of the entries in this year’s edition will focus on our QB, who needs lifts in his shoes to ride the adult rides at Carowinds. Or our owner, who goes through head coaches as often as Kevin Durant says something dumb on social media.
But what seals it for me is that I have Jets fans reaching out to say they feel sorry for me. The Jets, who now have the longest current streak in American sports of years missing the playoffs. The Jets, who had all of the hope in the world after acquiring Aaron Rodgers and saw him last four whole plays before his Achilles turned to mush. The Jets, who then had to suffer through 16 more games of MILF hunter and friends. The Jets now have to worry about whether their QB’s prescheduled peyote retreats will interfere with the football season. And they feel pity for Panthers fans. That’s how low things have gotten.
Fuck David Tepper, Kerry Collins, Rae Carruth, and each and every one of the refs from Super Bowl 50.
Jason:
Lived in Louisiana for grad school during the second doomed run. As much as I hated living in that state, I was actually glad to not be able to watch the Panthers every week
Jeffrey:
They're actually going to do the seemingly impossible in the Parity League and exist for 30 years without back to back winning seasons. The franchise is not even relevant enough to be revered losers like the Lions/Browns. They're just a series of additional byes for the teams fortunate enough to have them on the schedule.
I live in Pennsylvania and could've reasonably defected to being an Eagles or Steelers fan, but instead I hitched my wagon to this dumbshit franchise in 1995 because of Kerry Collins.
Jimmy:
I bought a car in October of 2019. When getting the title set up at the DMV, I opted to pay an extra $35 for a custom state-issued Panthers plate. Why not? It looked better than the standard NC plate, and the team was 4-2 at that point of the season, with Kyle Allen at the helm playing admirably for the injured Cam Newton. I put the plate on the car, and they promptly lost 51-13 to the 49ers that Sunday on national television. They went on to finish that season 1-9 and have amassed a record of 20-57 since.
We now take my wife’s car on all out-of-state road trips.
David:
The best thing to come out of Carolina in recent memory is Jourdan Rodrigue, and she bailed to write for the fucking Rams. It's astonishing to think that in scouting Bryce Young, not one person in the Panthers front office asked, "Yeah, but what if he's tiny AND he sucks?" Our running backs can't run the ball, our receivers can't catch the ball, our O-line can't block, our stud edge was shipped out for a second round pick when we coulda gotten two firsts for him last year, our QB's life is in danger every time he touches the ball, and our shutdown corner is made of fucking toothpicks and melted gummy bears.
In a league full of shitty owners, we have by far the shittiest, and it's not even close. My highest of hopes for this team under David Tepper is to one day be able to start thinking of WYTS after October. Fuck Tepper with the reanimated corpse of Jerry Richardson.
Mike:
I've followed the team since its very dawn of existence, starting from the night that the team was announced in October 1993. This year, I finally lost all enthusiasm for the team. Carolina has been bad before. The Panthers went 1-15 in 2001, yet somehow ended up in the Super Bowl two years later. The 2010 Jimmy Clausen debacle led directly to the Cam Newton era. But this... this is different. There's no coming back this time. We're at the bottom of the barrel. There is no more left to scrape, no hope to be found. The problem isn't a QB, coach, or GM. It's coming from the very top. And thanks to the city of Charlotte and several hundreds of millions in public money, we'll continue to see this debacle play out for years to come.
Charlotte is in the worst of both worlds. It's not big or interesting enough to get any respect, but it's large enough to have increasingly shitty traffic and pricey living conditions. The one world-class thing Charlotte actually has, Fury 325, snapped like a dry pretzel. Bojangles reduces your life expectancy by a week every time you eat it. The CLT airport experience fluctuates between miserable and unbearable. Steve Smith Sr. would 100% already be in the Hall if had played for an NFC East team. "Charlotte is Great Value Atlanta" was such an amazing burn that I still think about it years later.
Cameron:
Being an American currently is a lot like being a Panthers fan. Things are unfuckingbelievably bleak, to the point that you're hoping that life will merely be bad.
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