Some people are fans of the Los Angeles Chargers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Los Angeles Chargers. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Los Angeles Chargers.
This franchise was always a disgrace, but now it’s a WEIRD disgrace, which is kind of an improvement.
Your 2023 record: 5-12. You already knew the deal with this team: best uniforms in the game, one of the best young QBs in the AFC, two of the biggest brand-name pass rushers in football, a coach who wins every press conference, and nothing to show for it. The 2023 Chargers handed Tennessee their first win since November the year prior. They got picked off by Stephon Gilmore to lose to Dallas. They lost to Detroit after Dan Campbell went for it on fourth-and-2 to make sure L.A. never got the ball back (they didn’t). They won a choke-off against Minnesota, but every team wins a choke-off against the Vikings. That ain’t shit, because that victory was followed by putrid loss after putrid loss, like this one!
That Green Bay heartbreaker was the kind of last-second, Chargersy loss that makes your Sunday Ticket subscription worth the cost. But the other losses were more unwatchable than a Star Wars TV show. Tua Tagovailoa went off for 466 yards against them in the very first week of the season, setting the tone for a pass “defense” that would end up third-worst in the league by the end of the year. They gave up another 424 yards to Patrick Mahomes. Their QB broke his finger in Week 14 and was never seen again. The reason these guys have lightning bolts on their helmets is because their cranial nerves are unable to conduct electricity by themselves.
The death blow for the 2023 Chargers would arrive on a lonely Thursday night in Vegas, in which the Raiders—who had been shut out 3-0 the week prior—hung a franchise record 63 points on them, including this midnight delight:
A lot of people say Al Michaels doesn’t put his heart into his work anymore, but tell me that wasn’t the EXACT right amount of ennui in his voice on that play. The whole world knew that head coach Brandon Staley was a goner the next morning. And so he was, with Giff Smith (please, it’s pronounced “jiff”) taking over as interim head coach for three forgettable losses to close out the campaign. Watching these Chargers is like getting an emergency phone call during intercourse. They’re hot and ready to go, but something always gets in the way. My whole life, this franchise has lacked anything resembling a proper vision. But this season … this season is gonna be different. Know why?
Your coach: Hold onto your Edmund Fitzgeralds, Los Angeles, because there’s a new lunatic in town:
That’s former Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh, who stands as living proof that not all of us mellow with age. When Harbaugh last worked in the NFL, he turned the 49ers into an annual Super Bowl threat before losing a power struggle with then-GM Trent Baalke and getting forced out. Who loses a power struggle to Trent Baalke? I could cut in front of Trent Baalke at a Starbucks and get away with it, so you’ll excuse me if I don’t necessarily buy that Jim Harbaugh can turn the Chargers into a legit team simply by gritting his teeth super duper hard and saying shit like, Every second I breathe, I fight like hell to earn that air.
Here is where I also note that Harbaugh spent his decade at Michigan constantly flirting with a return back to the pros, only to finally do it after getting suspended twice in his final collegiate season for doing a bunch of Houston Astros shit. The nefarious Connor Stalions is not currently listed on the Chargers staff, but that’s only because Stalions works best in the shadows. He is everyone and no one. He’s like a black ops site, if the black ops site had its own Netflix doc. Discretion is not part of the Jim Harbaugh Experience.
To round out the official staff, and to make happy hours in his RV even more festive, Harbaugh brought back offensive coordinator and fade route enthusiast Greg Roman. No one outside of Jim Harbaugh thinks that Greg Roman is good at play-calling. But tough titty, Boltman! You people will get a run-first offense from 1990 and you will LIKE it. Oh, and who’s this other scrappy young QB guru I see on the staff?
That’s right: it’s former Bears head coach and walking Amber Alert Marc Trestman, who’ll surely prove valuable to the team’s most valuable resource ...
Your quarterback: Justin Herbert, who has been in the league too long to be considered up and coming. Herbert is a veteran now, and he’s won jack shit. His playoff résumé is so thin, and Harbaugh is so batshit crazy, that I actually believed some of the rumors that L.A. would trade Herbert prior to the draft this spring. Such a trade would have resulted in a cap hit that could be seen from neighboring solar systems, so you guys are stuck with your third “Ugh I guess we should put him in the Hall of Fame?” QB in franchise history.
I thought poking a hole in Justin Herbert’s game for this preview would be difficult. Wrong. True story: Herbert has fewer playoff wins than Kirk Cousins. PFF graded him as the 11th best QB in the league a season ago, below Cousins. In the FTN almanac, Mike Tanier noted half a dozen instances from last season in which Herbert not only failed to rally his team when they were down late, but couldn’t even threaten to do so. Oh, and who the fuck is this poor bastard gonna throw to?! A butterfly net? There certainly aren’t any viable human targets left on this roster. Fuck a duck, man!
Your backup is still Easton Stick for some reason.
What’s new that sucks: I have to expand on the WHO THE FUCK IS HERBERT GONNA THROW TO?! dynamic for a moment. The Chargers had one reliable pass-catching target all last season in ageless wonder Keenan Allen, L.A.’s all-time leading wideout. Allen was traded to Chicago in a salary dump. Terminally underwhelming WR Mike Williams was also jettisoned to save some dough, leaving this team’s wideout room is more barren than the Los Angeles subway. Your WR“1” is Josh Palmer. Behind him is second year man Quentin Johnston, who sucks. Behind Johnston is rookie Ladd McConkey, who needs to become the second coming of Julian Edelman right now, this instant, for this offense to be worth a shit. The Chargers could have added more firepower in the draft, namely in the form of either Malik Nabers or Rome Odunze at No. 5 overall. But Jim Harbaugh had a much better idea…
Now that’s a fun line if Andy Reid says it, conjuring visions in your head of the Chiefs running all kinds of groovy tackle-eligible plays in the red zone. When Jim Harbaugh says the same thing, you see a 12-play drive that ends in a missed field goal. Because he and Roman have designed a run-heavy team that has no running backs to speak of. Gone is beloved fantasy staple Austin Ekeler, who will be replaced by twin injury updates Gus Edwards and J.K. Dobbins. And don’t assume that there’s an Antonio Gates here to act as a reliable security blanket for Herbert. Will Dissly is your TE1. Hayden Hurst, who is not Hunter Henry, is the TE2. I’d rather watch the Browns, and so would you.
Over on defense, fading legends Khalil Mack and Joey Bosa took paycuts to stick around, and they remain the only viable talents on a front seven that couldn’t stop a toddler from reaching for an electrical outlet. The secondary still has name-brand players in the form of Asante Samuel Jr. and Derwin James, but what did that matter a season ago? I see little reason for that to change with a team that’s mired in cap hell and has gotten more people injured than Altamont.
What has always sucked: You know how long the Chargers have been in L.A.? Seven years. They’ve had seven years to establish a beachhead in this city, and they even lucked into a second straight franchise QB to aid in the effort. None of it has mattered. The Chargers still feel like they just got here, and that no one wanted them to arrive. Over half of L.A. residents, Al Michaels included, still don’t know they moved here. They still blow games with impunity. And they still waste remarkably talented players while those players are in their primes. When you're the L.A. football team that has Angels vibes, you're in a tough spot. But the Chargers were born in a tough spot, and that’s where they’ll die. Not unlike a doomed freighter trying to cross Lake Superior in a dense winter fog.
Patrick Mahomes is still in the division. Ladd McConkey will need to be a Hall of Famer for people to stop goofing on his name, and even then it probably won’t be enough. Joey Bosa still thinks casual homophobia works in 2024. The best QB in team history is the one they let walk in free agency. Harbaugh will leave this job in exactly five years.
What might not suck: Herbert has four or five games every season where you’re like, “OK this guy is definitely winning a Super Bowl one day.” And in a vacuum, those moments are quite pleasant.
HEAR IT FROM CHARGERS FANS!
Mike:
You'd think that I'd be happy.
Ben:
Not even Harbaugh's insanity will escape the curse of the Chargers' terminal mediocrity.
Mike:
The Chargers peddle misery. I genuinely believe that, on any given Sunday, they have the talent to beat any team in the league. But then they break my heart and grind it into the hot pavement. They tend to lose to teams much weaker than them, and then play great in high-pressure moments right before they faceplant.
I work in Oakland and the only one of my colleagues who rooted for the Chargers got fired a few months ago. I'm next, so I've been hiding my Chargers paraphernalia.
Daniel:
I spent the whole college football season rooting against Michigan and Jim Harbaugh, because he is an insufferable douchebag. Of course, they won and now he is our coach.
Brandon Staley is finally gone, but so are all the receivers who can catch.
Andrew:
What's the record for Hall-of-Fame QB careers destroyed by one franchise?
I'm also a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs, so I can put my sports-disappointment level up against anyone's.
I've had a few of my blurbs published in the WYTS, and I used to think it was because I was a good writer and all witty and shit. Now I know that there are so few of us Chargers fans that you probably have no choice but to publish every one you're sent.
Fuck Marlon McCree:
I attended the December 10th loss to the Broncos at SoFi. What was the low point of my day?
-Getting stung by a bee for the first time in my life at age 30 (Spanos’s fault, I’m sure)? No.
-Being surrounded by a crowd of 75% Broncos fans? No.
-Seeing Herbert go down and getting to watch the avant garde football stylings of Easton “Slippery Hands” Stick? No.
-Spending upwards of $60 on three mango flavored beers? No.
-Getting so drunk off said beers that after the game ended in inevitable disappointment, I despondently told a 12-year-old Chargers fan, “It never gets better”? Ohhh you betcha.
If you asked Harbaugh which turnover he remembers most fondly, he’d probably say Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization.
[Note: I couldn’t figure out how to fit “Fuck Marlon McCree” into this, so if you choose to publish it, can it be listed under that name? Thank you]
Brett:
My girlfriend is from Nebraska and has grown up with season football tickets. She has spent every fall Saturday for the last several years watching an awful college football team lose 10-7 or 13-10 over and over and over again. This was our first year living together, so for the first time she had an NFL team to root for and watched every game with me, including a pair of games in person. After the lions game (A 41-38 loss) she said she was glad she was a chargers fan because it was exactly like rooting for Nebraska but at least they score sometimes. So painful. So true.
Conor:
If I had a time machine, the first thing I'd do is go back to my Boston-area middle school circa 2003, sit sixth grade me down, and tell myself to just be a fucking Pats fan like a normal human being.
Long term, I would probably be less likeable than I am now, but I think I'd be happier. I certainly wouldn't have been bullied because Marlon McCree wanted a pick-six.
Richard:
Since January 2017, I do not have a team. I have a pristine powder-blue #17 Philip Rivers jersey in a bottom drawer, unworn, gathering dust. Fuck Dean Spanos, fuck the NFL, fuck every billionaire asshole who tears an institution out of a city to make a quick profit. Fuck their social media bits. They're never going to win anything, and it is because they don’t deserve to.
Daniel:
Fuck AJ Smith.
Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: New York Giants.
