Some people are fans of the Los Angeles Rams. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Los Angeles Rams. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Los Angeles Rams.
Fucking Taylor Swift-ass schedule announcement.
Your 2023 record: 10-7. Still hungover from fucking and sucking all those picks two years ago, the 2023 Rams got off to a 3-6 start. The kind of uninspiring stretch that had distant observers like me hoping their head coach would quit on the spot in November to become the permanent third wheel of the Manningcast. In that first half of the season, the Rams were beaten by a hobbled Joe Burrow, couldn’t muster a score in the second half against Philly, blew a 17-10 lead to the vaunted offensive braintrust of Matt Canada and Kenny Pickett, managed a single field goal all game long in Green Bay, and got boatraced by Dak Prescott and the Cowboys.
Oh, and their sunk cost of a QB threw eight TDs and seven picks through that entire stretch. Carson Wentz would soon join the festivities, which is something you never want happening. To sign Carson Wentz is to wave a great, royal white flag high in the air. It’s a message to the world that winning football games is no longer of any interest to you.
But then the bye week came, after which the Rams went on a 7-1 run that was inspiring to members of the Kroenke family and no one else. There are some strings attached to that rally. Wouldn’t be a Kroenke affair if there weren’t. The only playoff team the Rams beat in that stretch (excepting a final week victory against a 49ers team that had nothing to play for) was Cleveland, which kinda doesn’t count. They only beat the Seahawks and Giants because those teams’ kickers each biffed a game-winning field goal at the end. And they still had the worst special teams in the entire league, which explained their lone defeat in the back half. Fuck me, that was cool.
Anyway, because the NFC is about as competitive as a Russian election, the Rams’ late surge was enough for a playoff spot and a trip to Detroit for the Spider-Man Meme Bowl. Lions QB Jared Goff completed every pass he wanted to complete in that game, so it behooved Goff’s former team to keep the ball away from him. Too bad LA’s Hank Scorpio of a head coach neglected to realize this. Down by a single point with 4:15 left on the clock, and facing fourth-and-14 in Lions territory … the Rams punted. They fucking punted. Folks, it is ever a good idea to punt the ball away late in a playoff game? LET’S ASK THE MACHINES.
Los Angeles would never get the ball back after that. Detroit would advance to the NFC title game, and may very well take up residence there for years to come. Who’s the booger-eater who called that goddamn punt?
Your coach: DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH…
That’s Sean McVay, who was pure class after gifting a Wild Card victory to his old protégé. For the desired effect, please imagine Adele singing the following quote as you stare longingly out of your bedroom window on a rainy day:
Jared was really efficient. You could see the command that he has. There's a lot made of it, but I'm really happy for him. We wanted to come away with a win, but he's done a great job.
Sean is happy for you, Jared. You have your own life now, and Sean is just (gritting his teeth until they spark) thrilled that you’ve found true happiness. Why, he just drank a handle of Beam the other night to celebrate your newfound fortune! Coaches like Sean McVay don’t even know what happiness is. The concept of it has to be explained to them through extensive film breakdowns of childhood birthday parties.
Over on defense, Raheem Morris left his coordinator post to coach the Falcons. His replacement is Chris Shula. That’s right: we have an entirely new generation of Shula failsons to contend with. This one looks like Don Shula’s headshot getting run through a Xerox machine 56 times:
Sean McVay is the grandson of NFL royalty. Chris Shula is also the grandson of NFL royalty. And owner Stan Kroenke is married into the Walmart fortune. Has anyone who works for this organization ever EARNED anything? All of these people were born on the fucking goal line. It’s like cheering for the Bush dynasty at this point.
Your quarterback: Matthew Stafford, who’ll man the helm here until he loses more extremities than a leprosy victim. Stafford got his contract reworked this offseason, but the Rams are only on the hook for $15M of it come 2025. Did they draft a QB this spring to set up a succession plan? They sure didn’t! No, instead they brought in former mild nemesis Jimmy Garoppolo, who got so bored collecting rare injuries that he decided to get suspended for PEDs to start this season instead. Behind Jimmy G is second-year man Stetson Bennett, who appears to still be drinking:
Kelly Stafford is just another white lady.
What’s new that sucks: No more Aaron Donald. The greatest defensive tackle in league history retired this offseason, so the Rams drafted half the Florida State defensive front (EDGE Jared Verse, DT Braden Fiske) to help make up the difference. They also dipped into free agency to grab CB Darious Williams, S Kamren Curl, and former Bills standout CB Tre’Davious White. White has missed two dozen games in the past two seasons alone, and Curl’s Commanders, by no small margin, had the worst pass defense in the league a year ago. Good thing the Rams’ division isn’t flush with top-tier wideouts like Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, D.K. Metcalf, Tyler Lockett, and Marvin Harrison Jr. Otherwise they’d be fucked with surfboard!
Over on offense, the Rams beefed up their interior line by signing G Jonah Jackson away from Detroit to pair with mauler Kevin Dotson on the other side. Then they drafted bellcow Michigan RB Blake Corum to join Kyren Williams in the backfield. This is now a run-first offense presided over by a head coach who fucking hates running the ball. Think of all the punts that McSchottenheimer can call late in games now! And all of the screen passes that he’ll never call (no team threw to its backs less than the Rams a year ago)! Gaze in wide wonder at a wideout corps that consists of an aging Cooper Kupp, Puka Nacua, and half a pack of cigarettes! Drop your pants and fly your boner flag high as you watch oversized free agent TE Colby Parkinson get in a lot of chip blocks! This offense is about to send out more mixed signals than your seventh-grade crush.
And if you think that last year’s playoff run was a sure indicator that these Rams are on the rise, let’s have Bryan Knowles of the FTN Almanac throw some cold water on that notion:
The Rams, along with the Packers and Giants, joined a list of 31 teams since 2010 who saw their offensive DVOA jump by at least 20% over the back half of the season—teams that finished the year hot and looked to continue that momentum into the next season. Most met with disappointment. Those previous 28 teams saw their offensive DVOAs drop an average of 3.5% the next season.
Yes, but did any of those other fluke teams employ Paul Brown’s uncle’s brother’s nephew’s former roommate? I. Don’t. Think. So.
The new kicker is dogshit.
What has always sucked: We at Defector have bashed Silicon Valley CEOs and devil investors to the point of exhaustion. All the while, the C-suite bros of SoCal have grown legion. They all look like Sean McVay, but possess 0.00001 percent of his charm and 0 percent of his utility. Let’s meet a few of them. How about Javier Ferreira of Scopely, who turns your favorite board games (Monopoly) into your least favorite mobile games (Monopoly GO)? Or Daniel Seah, whose Digital Domain is breaking new ground in the world of dogshit VFX in movies? Or Will Ferrell character Aurelian Lis, who runs a subsidiary of Unilever Prestige (yes, that’s its real name) and looks like this?
With every movie studio so far in hawk that their CEOs have to eat Batgirl for sustenance, these are the people poised to take over Hollywood this century and beyond. All of them run slipshod outfits, have opinions about personal health that make Aaron Rodgers sound like a board certified virologist, and will be the only people who reap a profit from the 2028 Olympics. When they want a large coffee, they order it, “at scale.” I love L.A. like a second home, but I will shed zero tears if the Pacific consumes it entirely and takes Unilever Prestige with it.
SoFi is still too damn far away and the public transit there sucks. Kobe Bryant was a rapist.
What might not suck: I saw a tweet that said sixth-round WR Jordan Whittington has Nacua potential. As you know, all tweets are legally binding. Elon told me so.
HEAR IT FROM RAMS FANS!
Mike:
Stan Kroenke is to mustaches what Jerry Jones is to Civil Rights.
Matthew:
Our projected running back duo is so injury prone that I'm already preparing myself for a lot of Boston Scott running it up the gut for one yard. Drake Stoops is not going to be the next Cooper Kupp, everyone needs to chill out with that. The ghost of Tre'Davious White is going to be so underwhelming. And this team is going to be in deep shit when McVay leaves. We'll let him do the Aaron Rodgers dance for as long as he wants to, even if it's a torture chamber for the rest of us.
Fuck SoFi Stadium's inflated food & beverage prices with a cheeseburger sub.
Mike:
I was out on the golf course and bumped into a guy whose driver had a Rams headcover. I wanted to talk with him about the team, but he told me that the only reason he had the head cover was because if he lost it out on the course, nobody was going to swipe it.
If there's any question about how committed to Los Angeles the Rams are, every player I follow on social media took on Drake's side in the Kendrick Lamar beef.
Jonathan:
Aaron Donald's gone. Fuck.
Since moving to Los Angeles, the Rams have a 4-12 regular season record against the 49ers, and that's including a garbage time B-team victory under Captain Tacticool. GM Les Snead thought he pulled a fast one this offseason by signing Jimmy Hotlips. Les' theory mistakenly presupposed that Jimmy studied and retained the Niners' playbook. Joke's on Les though. If hooked up to an EEG, Jimmy's brainwaves would emit the flatline tone of a dying piccolo.
But hey allegedly Stetson Bennett is out of rehab.
Lisa:
I remember when our WR pinnacle was Sammy Watkins and Brandin Cooks. The post-Todd Gurley running back room has included luminous stars such as Malcolm Brown, Cam Akers, and Darrell Henderson, running behind an o-line of Whitworth, Havenstein, and three balloon animals.
Josh:
Nobody likes the Rams. And I don't mean that in the typical, "The Rams have no fans" way. I mean that football fans genuinely have no reason to watch them. They interest nobody. None of their players have celebrity status despite being in fucking LA. Their one interesting narrative was the All-In Team of 2021. After that, no one gave a shit.
Fuck Kerby Joseph and his BountyGate-Saints-Era Head Coach.
Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Pittsburgh Steelers.
