Some people are fans of the New Orleans Saints. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New Orleans Saints. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: New Orleans Saints.
Your 2023 record: 9-8. I swear! This team actually sported a winning record a year ago. I know your memory is telling you otherwise. I know your memory is like, “Wait, didn’t last year’s Saints attempt a triple reverse flea flicker with Taysom Hill, only to accidentally trigger a nuclear reactor meltdown in the process?” They didn’t! Incredible!
That isn’t to say these Saints didn’t have any boo-boos along their way to non-immortality. They went up 17-0 at the half in Green Bay and then never scored again, a loss that would cost them a playoff spot 15 weeks later. Their handsome Kirk Cousins of a QB tossed a late pick to ruin a valiant comeback attempt in Houston. They got beat by the Jags on TNF thanks to a late catch-and-run by Christian Kirk. They had to lean on Jameis Winston for a few games and he ended up doing a lot of Jameis Winston shit. He threw two miraculous touchdown passes in a comeback effort against the Vikings, throws that made everyone say, “Oh right, he was drafted No. 1 overall!” Right after that, he threw two ludicrous picks that made everyone say, “Oh right, he’s Jameis Winston.” Jameis would go on to lose that game for New Orleans. And then he did this…
Bit of background here: This was the Saints’ final game of the season. A win gave them not only the chance to clinch a playoff spot, but potentially the division title as well. They crushed the Falcons, because they're the Falcons. And when the Saints head coach called for a kneel-down to end the affair, Jameis got a lil’ twinkle in his crab leg and went rogue, handing the ball off to RB Jamaal Williams so that Williams could score his first touchdown of the season. And then the Saints missed the playoffs anyway.
Jameis is in Cleveland now to compare defense strategies with Deshaun Watson, but every other principal in New Orleans remains, to the bafflement of all, firmly in place. Starting with this guy…
Your coach: You know what? I shouldn’t have just acted like I had a big name to reveal here. I’m not even sure I know who coaches this team. I think his name is … Rick? Frank? Wait no, it’s something with a D. Doug! That’s it! His name is Doug.
Shit! Right. Yes, OK. It’s Dennis Allen. That’s his name. Boy, do I feel embarrassed! This man is the most underwhelming head coach since Scott Linehan! My apologies to Dengue Allen and his family for the brainfart. Anyway, Darius Alan was none too pleased that his backup QB did something without consent (that's so unlike Jameis!), and chided him publicly for it:
“That’s not who we are, not what we’re about.”
I beg to differ, Donovan Altar. You’re the Saints. You were caught putting bounties on opposing players. You helped the archdiocese of New Orleans cover up child abuse. You still get chesty and draw up low-percentage trick plays for Taysom Hill when you’re down by three. You people are more toxic than a glass of local tap water. Running up the score on a shit team is a fucking Tuesday for you. You should be thanking Jameis for reminding me that you still fucking exist.
But don’t think that everything about the Saints’ coaching staff is a waste of time. Darvin Allman fired offensive coordinator Pete Carmichael after the season, freeing Carmichael to return to his rightful place inside of Sean Payton’s breast pocket. Here to replace Carmichael, and to unleash the terrifying forces of the Brees-less Saints offense, is this guy:
No, that’s not a bagman for the Latvian mafia. That’s Klint Kubiak, son of Gary. Klint has experience calling plays. He did it for one year in Minnesota before being fired. Then he did it in Denver for half a season before getting fired. But the third time? I’m telling you, this time’s gonna be the klincher. Especially because of the weapons on hand!
Your quarterback: Three of four teams in the NFC South are overpaying mid-level QBs, just to win a division title that will have about as much meaning as a swim meet ribbon. So here’s Derek Carr, who hasn’t been an exciting prospect since 2015 but has a contract that will keep him dutifully employed by this glorified hot dog stand through 2026. Carr will start for this team until the heat death of Emeril Lagasse. Drew Brees retired after the 2020 season. His exit gave the Saints all the reason in the world to gut the place and rebuild it from scratch. Draft a QB high. Import a hot young coaching talent to run things. Eat as much dead cap space as they could stomach. All of the usual Process shit.
Instead, the Saints and their sentient vodka soda of an owner did NOTHING. They kept GM Mickey Loomis around for the 25th straight year (number real), tapped Daniel Allstead as head coach, and then paid Carr enough money to make Dan Snyder wince. What are these people doing? Do they even know they HAVE a football team? Are they sober? They better not be. If I find out that they made all of these decisions while lucid, I won’t be getting the Led out in their honor anytime soon.
Behind Carr is nobody Jake Haener. Behind Haener are Taysom Hill and rookie Spencer Rattler, who are two different flavors of annoying.
What’s new that sucks: I wish I knew, reader. I wish I knew. Mickey Loomis is still operating as if his brilliant 2017 draft haul opened a title window that will never close. So here, still, are CB Marshon Lattimore (ranked 50th by PFF last year), RB Alvin Kamara (hasn’t been good since the Trump administration), severely injured T Ryan Ramczyk, and … actually the rest of that draft class is now gone. Did Loomis capably replace the likes of Trey Hendrickson in the intervening years? Let’s go to Scott Spratt, who can eat no fat, and the FTN Almanac for the answer:
“The Saints have seen bottom-third totals of snaps played from every draft class in the last six years.”
Holy shit, that’s dire. When you’re committed to spending every year with a dead cap number that’s higher than the GDP of Guyana, you better goddamn well know how to draft. The Saints don’t. Their pantry is so bare, you’d think another Katrina just rolled through their neighborhood. Loomis did manage to pick up two potential gems in this most recent draft with OT Taliese Fuaga and CB Kool-Aid McKinstry. They also nabbed wideout Bub Means in the fifth round to join Kool-Aid on the All-Name Team. But otherwise, to watch this team is to put a po’boy on your windowsill and then stare it for seven years. Cam Jordan is still the best player on this roster, and likely will be until 2046.
Alas, I have to do my job and tell you about a few cosmetic changes Loomis made to the roster with the $15 in liquidity that he was given to work with. Yes, the Saints lost Winston (oh no!), S Marcus Maye, T Andrus Peat, LB Zach Baun, DT Malcolm Roach, and franchise legend WR Michael Thomas this spring. BUT! But what if I told you that they signed low-key bust Chase Young to man the edge? Would that pep ya up some, Mister Taggart? They also signed sentient restraining order Willie Gay and WR Equanimeous St. Brown. They also re-signed the sun-bleached carcass of S Tyrann Mathieu. The Honey Badger! Remember that video? Honey Badger don’t give a fuck! STILL CLASSIC.
What has always sucked: For a decade and a half, the Saints mattered. They had one of the best QBs in the world, and they threw the greatest Super Bowl victory party that any city has ever staged. For once, the team matched the vibes of its incredible home city.
That’s over now. We’re not even back in Aints territory with this organization. We’re in a negative space: a place where every football game spiritually airs on Thursday night and every deep pass attempt is a cry for help that goes unanswered. The Saints are oafishly mismanaged even by the standards of Louisiana public institutions, and owner Gayle Benson is Georgia Frontiere with a lower profile. This is a nothing team for a fanbase that tuned them out the second LSU football became cool again. Even if the Saints make the playoffs this year, they’ll still leave no mark on your psyche. No cool plays. No thrilling upset victories. No surprise onside kicks. None of that. All you’ll get is Derek Carr and a bowl of vegetable broth. That’s your gumbo of the day. Drink it up, you skidmarks.
Denard Allstate will be fired as head coach by November.
What might not suck: Their schedule is a joke. We’re talking real “Peyton Manning playing in the AFC South” easy. Aaron Schatz’s projections for 2024 had these slobs winning the division over and over again, even though Schatz (and the rest of us!) know that this team isn’t worth a good goddamn. So congrats! Enjoy drafting a shitty guard at No. 17 eight months from now.
HEAR IT FROM SAINTS FANS!
Philip:
Derek Carr is the Philip Rivers of Carson Palmers.
Kyle:
We are clinging to a HC with a career .343 winning percentage. Fentanyl addiction is a more forgiving cycle.
Paddy:
In a division where every QB is some alternate reality’s Derek Carr, our QB is literally Derek Carr.
We hired the dipshit that the Vikings fired for refusing to get vaccinated as our running backs coach. He is universally considered an upgrade.
Kevin:
Well, the Saints went 9-8 and missed the playoffs in one of the worst divisions in NFL history, so of course we’re running it back with Dennis Allen and Derek Carr. I knew the years after Sean Payton/Drew Brees would be a reality check, but I never envisioned them being so fucking boring. And then we have to endure the Bill Barnwells and Andrew Brandts continually tsk tsk-ing them for their cap management. That there is an audience for these hot takes on NFL accounting methods is as depressing as our sorry ass football team.
P.S.: Drew, this is probably way too local but this clip of a caller going off on the Saints in a local live podcast is a beautiful little slice of local Saints culture down to the “yat” accent that is rapidly becoming extinct.
Noah:
My long suffering girlfriend and I made a deal that we’d only put the Saints on the big screen instead of RZC if the Saints managed to score more offensive touchdowns than field goals. It took until Week 5 against a disastrous Patriots squad for that to happen.
While the team improved slightly after their opening stretch, an awful, uncompetitive spirit had already settled like a dark cloud over them. They were happy to settle for three points at a time while their opponents ran up the score. This included a 15-24 loss to the FALCONS where every point we put on the board was a field goal. Their most high energy play was a touchdown out of victory formation explicitly forbidden by our milquetoast, damp blanket of a head coach who was duly ignored by all of the players on the field.
And nothing has changed. That cardboard stand-in for a head coach will go 3-7 before being fired in an event that every single person in Louisiana knew was coming the second he didn’tget fired last season, Derek Carr will continue to throw ducks and stare wistfully at a picture of Davante Adams like the Wolverine meme, and somehow the Falcons will come out and take the division with no more than nine wins.
Collin:
This team will be a complete failure this year. Again. I can't tell you a single thing the Saints did in the offseason except hire Gary Kubiak’s kid. Oh, and they watched Ryan Ramczyk's knee crumble into dust.
There's nothing to be excited about. We have no o-line. We have one receiver. We went from regular Andy Dalton to $140 million Andy Dalton. Cameron Jordan is 50 years old. I love Taysom Hill, but if he’s the most exciting player we have (and he is), we're boned. Again.
Dennis Allen is a coward. The greatest thing this team did during the entirety of last season was fake the kneel against Atlanta on the last play of the last game, and then Dennis was just like, "uh oh, we can't embarrass our most hated rivals!" Dude should have been fired on the spot. And with the number of times we heard him say, "We've just got to get better at finishing" last year you'd wonder how the man has even managed to have children.
Rob:
Mention NFL officiating around the average Saints fan and we turn into a bunch of glassy-eyed Jim Caviezels frothing about adrenochrome at a press event for American Sniper 2: The Lord Is My Spotter. The refs hate us. Goodell hates us. The booth guys are biased against us. Greg Olsen wants to call all the Saints games so he can trash his old rivals on national TV. (I came up with that last one myself, and I sincerely believe it.)
My brother, a lifelong Raiders fan, is stilltrying to convince me that Derek Carr just needs another six games to "get used to the offense." Dennis Allen is about as convincing as Biden's last debate appearance. Our kicker is built like Steve Rogers before he turns into Captain America. Jameis Winston commands more respect in this locker room than our head coach and QB1 combined. Jameis' time in New Orleans has completely laundered his reputation, exorcising the ghosts of misconduct allegations that have haunted him throughout his career. Pretty on-brand for this organization, come to think of it.
Louisiana's industrial corridor belches out so many carcinogens that a large portion of the state is known as "Cancer Alley." So of course, our state's top legislative priority was passing a law requiring users to upload a photo of their driver’s licenses to a third-party data service before accessing pornographic websites. This marks the first time since the birth of jazz music that we've been at the forefront of something. About six months after the law went into effect, the Louisiana Office of Motor Vehicles announced that the personal information of virtually every licensed driver in the state had been compromised in a sprawling data breach. The OMV claimed that the vulnerability of our sensitive data was the fault of, you guessed it, a third-party data service.
But THIS year we're going to the Super Bowl.
Gunner:
Fuck Dennis Allen and his, “We need to do better but we won’t actually do anything different” press conference crap. He’s the only guy that could almost (I said almost) make Jameis Winston look like the good guy for helping out a teammate and giving the fans what they want. But yeah, it’s better to throw your own quarterback under the bus to help the rival’s coach save face 12 hours before he’s fired. What a loser.
Bradley:
The Super Bowl is in New Orleans this year, and the only Saints who will be there will be in suits, doing media hits. You also know that Drew Brees will be there hawking some awful product with his new head of hair.
The in-between is obviously the worst place to be in sports, but I don't think I realized how annoying it would be until watching Derek Carr wear my team's jersey last year.
Who Dat! No really, who is that on the offensive line? I have no idea.
Paul:
I'm a New Orleans expat who lived in Oakland long enough to also become a Raiders fan before they skipped town to Vegas. For my sins, I have to keep reliving Dennis Allen's coaching and Derek Carr checkdowns when he's not making panicked throws into double coverage. Nevertheless, I remain optimistic about the Saints' chances for narrowly missing the playoffs, where they would otherwise lose in a game that produces a highlight reel for the other team.
Devon:
Fuck Jim Mora's whiny voice with a rusty nail he picked up off a Bourbon Street sidewalk at 4am.
Nick:
Our coach has the energy of a guy who’s wife nagged him into being here. Our o-line was assembled by Boeing. Our QB looks like a pop-punk lead singer who says his underage girlfriend is an “old soul.” Our team owner is putting more money into Catholic high schools that bend the knee than our team’s cafeteria. Our highest paid players are so old that they could pass for senators.
I had a three-way the night the Saints won the Super Bowl. Much like the Saints, I’ve been aging terribly, making terrible choices, and ignoring financial advice in pursuit of that high ever since.
Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Indianapolis Colts.
