Some people are fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team:
Your 2023 record: 11-6, which is so, so misleading. Yes, the Eagles started 10-1. Yes, they could still push their tush better than Angela White can. Yes, they avenged their Super Bowl loss to Kansas City IN Kansas City, and then walked off the Bills for good measure. They were even the top seed in the NFC at the end of that run, and by a healthy margin. That was all very impressive. Eagles diehards punched their grandparents in exultation.
But you didn’t have to look very hard to see warning signs. During the Eagles’ early stretch of [snickering] dominance, they nearly blew a late 25-14 lead to Mac Jones. They needed a 54-yarder in overtime just to beat a Commanders team that was in the middle of their 450th rebuild. They lost a land war to the Jets. Their freshly paid QB developed a neat habit of turning the ball over. And their pass defense turned to ash.
All of these issues became painfully evident in the closing months of the season, when the Eagles gave up 42 at home to the Niners in an NFC title game rematch, and then handed Dallas what Jerry Jones declared to be Mike McCarthy’s “biggest” win as Cowboys head coach. Posterized by Mike McCarthy. There is no going lower than that … OR IS THERE?!
Prior to last season, the Eagles hired up-and-coming assistant coach Sean Desai to take over as defensive coordinator for now-Arizona head coach Jonathan Gannon. But when Desai’s unit visibly regressed, his boss looked at Matt Patricia housing a cheeseburger on the sideline and said to himself, That’s our man. Patricia was then installed as the shadow defensive playcaller for the rest of the way. Here were the first returns from that bloodless coup:
That’s Drew Lock, doing his best John Elway impression and leading Seattle to victory over these Eagles after being down 17-10 in the fourth quarter. Did Drew Lock have this in him all along? Were the Broncos idiots to trade him away? Were we watching the birth of a franchise quarterback with our own eyes? No no and no. Jesus, no. That was all Patricia, amigo. You knew it the second that game was over, and you knew what would happen after that. A last-minute loss at home to Gannon’s Cardinals. A final-week mauling at the hands of Tyrod Taylor and the Giants. And, in a result more preordained than the sun rising in the East, a pathetic 32-9 wild card loss in Tampa. To Baker Mayfield.
This was a collapse that could be seen on any horizon, even if you lived in New Zealand. The Eagles ended the season with the second-worst pass defense in the league, the third-worst overall defense in terms of points allowed, a minus-10 turnover differential, and an offense that was unstoppable for one yard but quite stoppable for the other 99. Oh, and their head rent-a-cop got ejected from a game for picking a fight with Dre Greenlaw on the sideline. If there were ever going to be one NFL team that made a point of pushing an unaccountable off-duty cop in front of everyone like it's cute, it would be the Eagles. Everyone hated this team. The fans hated them. The analytics hated them. The betting public hated them. Best of all (for me), they all hated one another. And they still do, thanks to this fella!
Your coach: Nick Sirianni.
Never fun to realize your team is led by the TA of NFL coaches. By the end of 2023, Sirianni’s seat was hotter than your old man’s buttcrack. The Eagles kept Sirianni around anyway, hoping that he’d be able to mend fences with everyone on the roster, his QB foremost among them. Let’s see how that’s working out:
Interactions between Sirianni and (Jalen) Hurts during practice this spring and summer have appeared limited. While (new offensive coordinator Kellen) Moore shepherds the offense -- a walkie-talkie in hand to call in the plays to the quarterback -- Sirianni bounces from station to station… There was only one observed moment between Sirianni and Hurts -- a high-five initiated by Sirianni as the two passed by one another when Hurts was on his way to the huddle.
Electrifying. Instead of yelling at each other, the two people who are most important to the Eagles’ success just avoid one another. Now what other pair might that remind me of? Oh yes.
Nick Sirianni is a yappy idiot whose act wears thin after more than 17 minutes of exposure. His new offensive coordinator, Kellen Moore, is on his third job in as many years. His new defensive coordinator, Vic Fangio, got run out of Miami after one year. Owner Jeffrey Lurie will spend all of this season opening up Bill Belichick’s contact on his phone and letting his thumb hover over the CALL button for hours on end.
Your quarterback: Jalen Hurts, whose career arc now bears a frightening resemblance to that of his predecessor. Hurts has a frigid relationship with his own coaches, gets paid a mint, calls his own shots and misses them, loves throwing deep balls to nowhere, and gets hurt all the time. A quick glance at Hurts’s career stats says that he’s never averaged more than 250 yards passing per game in any season, has never thrown for more than 23 TDs in a season, and just had the highest interception rate of his career. Guess who’ll be quarterbacking this team three years from now? Not Jalen Hurts. Maybe it’ll be second-year man Tanner McKee, who’s balled out all summer long. Sounds promising? Well, Sirianni considers that a clown idea, bro:
The Eagles actually traded for Steelers bust Kenny Pickett this spring, and now insist that he’s the right man to lead them in the event that Hurts dislocates his testicles again. Kenny Pickett is the lowest hill a man can die on. I’ve seen J.D. Vance pick better fights.
What’s new that sucks: SAQUON SAQUON SAQUON!!!!
This was the headline transaction of the Eagles’ offseason. I’ll get to the important shit later on, but let’s focus on RB Saquon Barkley here for just a moment. Last year, D’Andre Swift managed 1,000 yards in this offense despite his coach’s pathological aversion to running the ball. Now Swift is gone to Chicago and will be replaced by a back who is A) older, B) slower, C) less durable, and D) more expensive. Howie Roseman, you bastard. HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING IT, SIR?
You guys better hope that Saquon can stay upright for most of the season, because behind him are Kenneth Gainwell and … uh … Kenny Pickett? I got nuthin’. And don’t expect to brotherly shove your way to a first down whenever you like, because Hall of Fame C Jason Kelce fucked off into retirement. Kelce was the load-bearing I-beam of this operation. Without him, Jet Right 86 Desperation Heave will be your go-to play-call in the clutch.
Meanwhile, Roseman—who is the Michael Rubin of NFL front office executives—frantically attempted to fix the pass defense in a single offseason by swapping out Haason Reddick for EDGE Bryce Huff, signing washed-up Super Bowl champ Devin White away from Tampa, and remodeling the secondary entirely. He grabbed CBs Quinyon Mitchell and Cooper DeJean in the first two rounds of the draft, and then brought back S C.J. Gardner-Johnson from Detroit.
He also drafted Jeremiah Trotter Jr., which means nothing.
If this defense gets its shit together, the Eagles will still have to reckon with the fact that they have no depth at the skill positions on offense, and the fact that their locker room is a viper pit. Back to that ESPN report from Tim McManus and Jeremy Fowler:
Addressing the media on the final day of minicamp in early June, Hurts was asked about Sirianni:
What have you noticed about Nick being open-minded to change up the offense like he has? What does that say about him?
Hurts, who learned how to de-thorn even the most pointed queries during his time at Alabama under Nick Saban, offered a response that could be seen as a match to kindling.
"Um," he said, followed by a pause and a short closed-mouth laugh. "I mean, that's a great question. I don't know that I know the answer to it."
I know a pre-autopsy when I read it. Nick Sirianni is the failure I thought Dan Campbell would be.
What has always sucked: I don’t have to shit on you this time, Eagles Nation. I don’t have to point out how obnoxious you are, or how ugly your parents are, or your penchant for gleefully assaulting the disabled. There’s no need. Look at your sorry-ass team now. They mailed in the end of last season, and now they’re gonna mail in all of this season just to prove a point. I don’t know what that point is, and I don’t care.
All I know is that nothing I say to you guys right now will hurt anywhere near as badly as the football team you’re about to watch will. Every win will be uninspiring. Every loss will be decisive. Every rumor of locker-room dissent will be EXTREMELY true. All of that will make you cry, scream, and overeat. Then the Eagles will lose their final game of the year 45-2, everyone will be fired, and your heart will explode. Again, I don’t need to make fun of you for any of this. Just watching it happen to you will be satisfying enough.
Gritty was never cool. John Fetterman is a penis.
What might not suck: The early schedule is less than arduous. Make your DFS selections accordingly.
HEAR IT FROM EAGLES FANS!
Mike:
15 years ago, I was with my uncle and my cousins at Circuit City. My uncle was looking to buy a new HDTV and stereo surround system. The sales guy asked him if he liked the Eagles. We were all like, "Yea, we love the Eagles!" He then proceeded to put on a DVD of the band The Eagles. We all stood there, completely disappointed, watching Don Henley and Joe Walsh. I've never seen somebody lose a $2,500 sale so quickly. No wonder they went out of business.
Chris:
Matt Patricia?? Why did they think Matt Patricia would solve anything? Who ultimately made that call? If that person is still employed, then the front office needs to be fired into the vengeful sun. Matt Patricia?? Matt FUCKING Patricia???!!! Who the fuck?? WHY?
Keith:
Our coach has about as much effect on the outcome of a game as Jason Garrett, but somehow manages to be twice as arrogant and 10 times as obnoxious.
Michael:
Our QB is a legit weirdo and still the same guy who was beaten out by Tua because he doesn’t know what to do when blitzed. But it’s cool, if he gets hurt again we signed Kenny Pickett.
John:
The global cocaine market fluctuates when Howie starts making trades.
Paul:
Everything I have learned about Big Dom and his supposed invaluable duties has been against my will.
Jon:
Our coach has had all responsibilities taken from him except for babysitting the wide receivers, and somehow he might not even be competent enough to do that.
Kyle:
Nick Sirianni is the young, hot-shot, analytical coach you find at Marshall's with four differently colored markdown tags on him.
Jake:
Jason Kelce is doing his best white trash Michael Strahan act in retirement, and we’re eating it up like it’s that dogshit from Goosey World. Josh Shapiro is a Zionist and proud supporter of private schools. John Fetterman got a stroke and became a conservative piece of shit whose wife needs to leave him yesterday before he starts yukking it up with Elon Musk. Bucks County needs to be shoved into a trash compactor and turned into novelty “This was recycled material” t-shirts.
Ben:
The tush push, which was originally drawn up in crayon on construction paper by a kindergartner, is the most sophisticated play this offense is capable of running well.
Ryan:
Year after year, the middle of our defense is constructed with materials less stable than the fuck-proof beds at the Paris Olympics, and then they wonder why they get gashed every weekend.
Dylan:
When it comes to play calling, Nick is more conservative than a Phyllis Schlafly tea party.
KB from Philly:
Hurts doesn't like his head coach, is learning his fifth offense in six years, got paid $255 million for one year of being really good, and can read a defense about as well as Floyd Mayweather can read "The Cat In The Hat" to a group of kids. He also took a safety from the 14-yard line in the third quarter of a playoff game.
Bill:
My fantasy team name this season is Jalen Hurts Donut, and I am in no way ashamed of that.
Going from Jonathan Gannon to Matt Patricia was like having an average but satisfying meal from Sizzler capped off with dessert served directly from a human centipede.
Kevin:
Jalen Carter fell off faster after one season than Ted Lasso did.
Alex:
Deep down, everyone here knows that the single biggest reason Philly finally got a Super Bowl was because the defensive coordinator of the Patriots was one of the dumbest human beings to ever set foot on a NFL sideline. We then hired this moron to fix our defense.
We all believe that overpaying for a running back with injury problems was a great idea.
Zachary:
I have no idea what Nick Sirianni brings to the table. He comes from the Shanahan tree, and yet doesn't have a system to implement. He talks a big game about being a Harbaugh-esque "CEO style," coach that oversees everything and delegates when necessary, but on gamedays there is a highly paid Eagles employee whose sole purpose is to keep Sirianni calm and focused. It's not coincidental that the team completely cratered when said employee was banned from the sideline.
We're stuck with the living embodiment of what happens if your average WIP caller is given any authority over a football team.
Ben:
A few years back my dad and I went to an Eagles game together at the Linc. My father and I aren't in the best shape, and could both stand to lose about 20 pounds. Walking to our seats and gazing upon the Philadelphia faithful, I thought about how the average male life expectancy in this country is about 76 years. I then thought my dad and I are both going to live to 130, because this was the most grotesque and repugnant sample of humanity I had ever seen.
Joe:
Nick Sirianni looks exactly as smart as he is. We are going to squander one of the most talented teams in franchise history because we gave a sentient Sopranos meme the head coaching job. They changed the fat security guard's title to circumvent a rule meant to keep dipshits like him off of the field during the games. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia only has like four good seasons.
Sean:
Nick Sirianni is the perfect Philadelphian. An overly cocky Italian who is mediocre at their job, can’t control their emotions, and when the shit inevitably hits the fan, will immediately shove their peers under the bus. Philadelphia and their obsession with “hustle culture” is laughable when 70% of the city is morbidly obese, smells like cold cuts and can’t walk 20 steps without getting winded.
Michael:
This team committed the worst full-season collapse in league history and somehow made it even more pathetic than it sounds. Our QB got paid a quarter billion for almost beating the Chiefs by himself, and then almost died because the offensive coaches forgot blitzes were a thing. Dallas' offense got better when our new OC was replaced by Mike McCarthy. We willingly put Matt Patricia in charge of the defense midseason and acted surprised when they played worse. Now we've got Vic Fangio two years after the league figured out his defense. Our best player was the second-best Kelce brother and he just retired. Our head coach has a human gravy boat follow him around on the sidelines for security, and that bald bastard did more damage to the 49ers than any of the players. I think he got promoted to assistant GM.
The last sports star who got to leave this town with his dignity was Rocky. I just rewatched that movie. He physically imprisons Adrian on their first date until she makes out with him.
Drew (not me):
Arizona comes to town. I'm at this game. I have pretty good seats with my fiancée. It's New Year's Eve, and things are looking good. The Cardinals suck, and Kyler Murray's bobblehead-ass has looked precarious all season when he hasn't been hurt. The highlight of the game is a long interception return for a touchdown, putting the hometown boys up 21-6 at the half.
We know how it goes from there. The Eagles surrender 29 points to lose 35-31 behind the least inspiring, and most baffling, play-calling I have ever seen from a coaching staff. Sirianni refuses to throw the ball for no reason at all. Hurts runs into a wall of defenders every third play. Everything is so predictable. It's so juvenile. It's embarrassing to watch, and it's upsetting.
This isn't a story of hilarious drunk Philadelphians disgracing the streets of civilization. It's not about outbursts or bar fights, or the ceaseless wall of traffic you run into on 676 after merging onto the freeway on an illegally short on-ramp. This is slow decay, easily brushed aside at first given the history of resilience and creativity the coaching staff had previously shown. It's a story of not acknowledging the obvious reality: the ineptitude, the lack of imagination, the unwillingness to adapt to new realities despite mounds of evidence screaming in your face that what you are currently doing cannot go on. It won't work, and to continue down this path is to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears.
Every moment of the second half, the Eagles stayed just ahead of the Cardinals until they weren't, narrowly escaping shameful and uninspiring drives at the last second, getting just enough to squeak to the next set of downs. By the time the third quarter ended, I knew they were going to lose. Playcalling like that simply can't be rewarded with victory over the long term, no matter how agonizing each win is.
The 2024 team has Saquon Barkley's remaining ligaments, but it has lost Jason Kelce and a host of other longtime players. Sirianni is still in charge and raring to execute another five-play sequence of QB dives. If they stumble out of the gate, it's a matter of when, not if, Sirianni gets canned during the season. My money is on sometime in November, but there lingers a relentless, stubborn hope that last year was an aberration, and that the Linc will be witness to numerous thrilling triumphs once again. To pair with that hope, and to guard against the creeping certainty of despair, I bought some New Jersey weed.
Michael:
I am responsible for no fewer than ten people becoming legitimate fans of this toxic franchise. I should be the last prisoner freed from Gitmo.
Todd:
Why the fuck do people think they’re' going to the Super Bowl? They are the same exact team that had an outrageous, diabolical collapse last year. The QB still stinks, the wideouts are still divas, they gave a bag to a RB with no knees, the line sucks now, the defense is even worse, the head coach was so bad and so almost fired they have turned him into a figurehead with no actual football responsibilities.
But hey the kicker is good.
Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Cleveland Browns.
