Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Pittsburgh Steelers

Some people are fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Pittsburgh Steelers.

(They did.)

Your 2023 record: 10-7, even though they absolutely stank. These Steelers finished the year with a net point differential of minus-20, but I promise you that it felt like minus-8,900 if you had the misfortune of watching them. I’d rather watch Zach Wilson play Zach Wilson. Pittsburgh’s longest tenured defensive player tore his pec. They won multiple games without scoring an offensive touchdown. They never passed the ball until third down. They lost their starting QB multiple times to injury, which was a blessing because he sucked. Their offensive coordinator was so bad at his job that the kicker felt comfortable shitting on him, to his face, on camera.

Oh, and they still managed to lose games uglier than they won them. A systemic dismantling at the hands of San Francisco in Week 1. A beatdown in Houston that showed the Steelers’ front office what an actual QB prospect looks like. Forcing three turnovers out of the Jaguars and still losing the game anyway. Losing to Cleveland on a last-minute field-goal drive engineered by adorable halfling Dorian Thompson-Robinson. A double-digit loss to Arizona in the James Conner Revenge Game.

And ANOTHER loss to the Patriots. Tom Brady left Foxboro four years ago, and yet these chumps still can’t beat New England. Even the Jets beat the Pats last year, man. But these guys? No. No, the Steelers let Bailey Zappe toss three TDs against them. Will Bailey Zappe have a job in the NFL two weeks from now? NO. You people made him look like the second coming of Terry Bradshaw for 60 minutes. It was like Zappe was attending a fantasy camp of some sort. The most exciting thing that happened in Pittsburgh last year was when their best wideout and best safety got into a fight in the locker room, and none of us even got to see it. Bullshit.

Despite all of that, the Steelers made the postseason anyway, all because the pathetic Jaguars couldn’t beat the Titans in the final week of the season. Every Super Wild Card Weekend features at least one team that isn’t super in any regard. This was one of them. The Steelers ventured to Buffalo for their Wild Card game, waited out a day-long snow delay, and then promptly allowed the Bills to post a 21-0 lead before the half. On behalf of all Americans, I’d like to thank Josh Allen for ensuring that I never had to watch that Steelers team play football again. If they’d made it to the divisional round, opioid fatalities across the lower 48 would have spiked 600 percent.

Your coach: Mike Tomlin, who is terminally incapable of staging a losing season despite the fact that he goes through offensive coordinators like Dixie cups. The universally despised Matt Canada was given the gate late in the regular season a year ago, which gave Tomlin more than enough time to find a replacement worthy of the Steelers and their championship legacy. This is the man he hired instead:

That’s Arthur Smith, last seen getting showed up on the field by Jameis Winston. In 2024. You know how hard it is to lose a sympathy contest with Jameis Winston? I could wipe my balls across your mom’s face and you’d still rather chill with me than Jameis. Smith flamed out as head coach in Atlanta after he failed to use any of his best offensive players properly. Before that, he was with the Titans, where he designed an offensive scheme that made Jim Tressel’s skin hot to the touch. What happens when a coach who doesn’t know how to run an offense joins a team that has no good offensive weapons? Let’s find out!

Your quarterback: Uncanny valley mayor Russell Wilson, who’s a week away from declaring on Instagram that he’s entered his “Steel Mamba” phase. Russ even worked with an acting coach all offseason to make sure his first mean mug looks authentic enough for the brand launch. Everyone in the locker room will hate his guts by Week 4.

Wilson is here on a cheapie one-year deal because the Broncos, who cut Wilson’s ass before he’d even made it back to the locker room in his final game with them, are still on the hook for paying out a disastrous contract extension that they gave him two years ago. Maybe if Tomlin wasn’t such a good coach, the Steelers could have gotten one of the many excellent QB prospects at the top of this year’s draft. Instead, they stood pat in the back half of the first round and are rolling with a QB competition that features a washed Russell Wilson and a young quarterback whose ceiling is a washed Russell Wilson.

The understudy in question is former Bears first rounder Justin Fields, who can read the field about as well as I can understand every word of Blood Meridian. Let’s see this young man in action.

When Pittsburgh traded for Fields, they insisted that he would be the backup to Wilson. After a horrific showing by Wilson in a preseason game this past weekend, the Steelers are no longer so insistent. The fact that Fields ALSO looked like shit only muddied the waters further.

The good news (for me) is that they won't choose right either way. Do you like watching your QB stand around in the pocket for four, five, six, 37 seconds? Well my friends, you just hired two of the best in the world at that! Former first-rounder Kenny Pickett had a popsicle stick for an arm and was so widely despised in the Pittsburgh locker room that his last name might as well have been McDaniels. So the Steelers shipped him off to Philly for a used muffler and are hoping (ha!) that Wilson either regains the form he can never get back, or that Fields becomes the passer he can never be. They’ll still win 10 games despite all of this.

What’s new that sucks: As we wait for a Brandon Aiyuk trade to magically occur (sources say it’s already a done deal, the Niners just have to sign off on it!), the Steelers have to grapple with a wideout room that lost both Diontae Johnson (decent) and Allen Robinson (washed) and has little else on hand. The best wideouts on this team are George Pickens, who is insane, and free agent pickup Van Jefferson, who can’t play for shit. Maybe third-round pick Roman Wilson can bring some championship energy to that unit, but I’ve seen Roman Wilson play. He’s about as dangerous as a Pixar movie. The Steelers also grabbed up free agent scrap like Scotty Miller and Quez Watkins to aid the cause, but you’ll have to pretend that Ben Roethgreypenis is still active to think any of that will work.

The good news is that the Linebacker U mentality of this organization remains firmly entrenched, which means that former Ravens LB Patrick Queen is here to bolster a defense that’s still relying on the aging pair of T.J. Watt and Cameron Heyward to be effective. The Steelers added to the secondary with CBs Donte Jackson and Cameron Sutton, the latter of whom was cut by Detroit after being arrested for battering a woman this offseason. You guys got the wifebeater discount! Hooray for you!

Should this defense underperform with all of those luminaries aboard, GM Omar Khan went all-in on drafting bulk for the O-line, and then signed multipurpose legend Cord Patterson to boost a running game that still depends on Najee Harris gaining more than his usual half-yard per carry. According to resident Defector Steelers fan Diana Moskovitz, Pittsburgh’s on-field play has been so bad that, during the draft, fans started rocking Steelers polos and calling them their Omar Khan jerseys. She is not joking. I wish she was.

The center position is still an abject disaster.

What has always sucked: They’re fucking cheap!

Club owner Art Rooney II receives a rating of 5.8/10 from the Steelers players when considering his willingness to invest in the facilities (31st overall)

All this century, the Steelers have coasted on their reputation as a family-run operation that prizes continuity above all else. You’re supposed to think this makes the Steelers a model organization. But look again. Here we have a franchise that only dipped into the free agent market for QBs because they found a couple of murder-house discounts. They have a coach that can win with anyone, so they don’t bother providing him with players who are a level above “anyone” on the talent spectrum. And they have fans who happily scream, "LET’S GO STEELERS" during every 3-2 home victory.

So it’s no coincidence that the Steelers haven't sniffed a title in well over a decade. The Rooney family can afford to be lazy, and to force their players to bathe themselves after every practice using nothing more than a garden hose stationed around the back of the practice facility. Nothing changes here. Nothing certainly gets prettier around here. When Russell Wilson counts as a personality injection on your team, that means that you don’t really give a shit. The Steelers don’t. I hope they never win another Super Bowl, and you know what? Things are looking great for me on that end.

What might not suck: Ben Roethlisberger has a podcast now! If you were ever in the mood for a show hosted by a man as bitter as Draymond Green and as sexually violent as a Stoolie, you’re in luck!

HEAR IT FROM STEELERS FANS!

Nathan:

People are starting to notice, finally, that this team hasn't a clue what it is doing.

James:

Watching the Steelers since Roethlisberger’s retirement has been like waiting for the stock market to crash.

Hugues:

Our blockbuster off-season move upgraded us from having the worst QB in the division to having the worst QB in the division. 

Josh:

I’ve convinced myself that Russell Wilson is going to be a good quarterback and I cannot wait to be hilariously disappointed.

M:

I just watch NWSL now.

Justin:

I hope that they redistribute the #7 jersey to backup WRs and LBs until the end of time.

Brennan:

Nothing really changes on defense, except that our best players are all a year older and will be on the field for 40+ minutes per game as the offense bogs down in an endless series of three and outs. 

Jesse James caught it. 

Phil:

They have the highest paid defense and second lowest paid offense in an offensive league.

Tom:

I bet my life savings that we will end the year exactly 9-8.

Justina:

On the eve of Week 1 of the regular season, PointsBet offered a free jersey (or credit up to $150) in the Fanatics.com store if you placed a $50 bet on odds of -500 or longer. 

I went ahead and placed my bet and started browsing the Fanatics site for Steelers swag. Even with a free $150 credit to buy anything on the site, I didn’t want a damn thing. It dawned on me that the Steelers have the ugliest logo and color scheme in the NFL. Nothing seemed fashionable to me. Nothing made me go, “Oh yes I would proudly don that in public.” I even browsed toddler stuff for my kid and absolutely nothing was worth spending my free money on. I ended up spending it all on my favorite collegiate team gear instead. 

The Steelers went on to get demolished by the 49ers that week. I didn’t feel sadness or anger after the game. I felt what I felt while browsing for Steelers merch. Disgusted. Uninspired. Unsure why I even liked this team in the first place. 

Fuck Matt Canada. Fuck Chase Claypool. FUCK Mitch Trubisky. Fuck Mason Rudolph. Fuck Antonio Brown. Fuck Vontaze Burfict for turning AB’s brain to baby food. Fuck this eternal loop of going 10-7 and undeservedly sneaking into the playoffs only to be eliminated immediately in the Wild Card round and being stuck with late first round picks each year. Fuck me and all the other Steeler fans who think this new cycle is what real pain is like. We're spoiled and stupid and deserve to have a team that's much worse than it is. 

Oh, and the $50 bet I had to place to get the Fanatics credit? It was on Minnesota. -240 moneyline vs. Tampa Bay. Thought it'd be a layup with those odds. The Vikings lost. So fuck you too, Drew.

Nick:

Things you can guarantee: death, taxes, and Mike Tomlin losing to the absolute worst team on the schedule every year. 

Michael:

I will go to my grave believing in my heart of hearts that Kenny Pickett's wife cheated on him with Zach Gentry and that's what cost him the locker room last season (on top of sucking).

Juan:

If you speak ill of Troy Polamalu or Minkah Fitzpatrick, I'll loudly battle you as if I was born in the Monongahela banks.

Jim:

Arguably our most noteworthy move was signing a good punter, which we haven’t had in 15 years for some reason. Omar Khan then proceeded to free up a mountain of money to do absolutely nothing with because his GM Brain thinks they hand out trophies for most cap space.

Jeffrey:

We won’t sniff another Super Bowl until Barron is declared god emperor by the Supreme Court. I’m not sure which is worse for my mental health.

Aileen:

The Steelers and Donald Trump are the two things that my colleagues ask me about. Now I know why other Americans here pretend to be Canadian. 

Rich:

The fanbase that used to settle for nothing less than a SB now crows about being perennially .500. Meanwhile, they haven’t been a real playoff threat in 14 years.

Oh, and fuck Tomlin and the 250 first half timeouts he keeps hidden, as if someday he can call them all consecutively. Tomlin apologists have more excuses than Juan Epstein’s mom.

Reno:

The easiest $100 I made is when I bet my friend that Kenny Pickett would never get a second contract from the Steelers. Jordan Addison saved that man from becoming a career XFL backup.

Nic:

Our replacement plan for Kenny Pickett is Russell Wilson's corpse. His backup is a pair of legs. Somehow we're better off.

Mike Tomlin is the GOAT but we treat him like he's one 8-9 season away from becoming the next head coach for the Jets. 

Sam:

I turn forty in a few weeks, and have gotten about twenty more tattoos since I wrote in last year. And now my team's starting QB is Russell Wilson. Goddammit.

MZ:

At least Antonio Brown declared bankruptcy.

Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Miami Dolphins