How would you describe your upbringing?
1) Happy.
2) I was born in a hole. We had no food, no power, nothing. My father beat me with an iron. My mother died of scabies when I was a month old. Everything I do, it’s for her.
You rise. What do you do next?
1) Oh, I can’t do anything in the morning without having my coffee first.
2) Grind.
How would you describe your work ethic in general?
1) I work hard, but I strive to maintain a healthy live/work balance.
2) The grind never stops. Like that’s even a fucking question.
Someone leaves a nasty comment on your Instagram account. What do you do?
1) I turn off my phone and spend time with my real friends. Life’s too short.
2) Anybody disrespects me, my family, my friends, or my God, and they will soon know the true meaning of pain. Ask Eric. He fucked around and found out.
When everything is on the line, are you ready to put the team on your back?
1) I firmly believe in the value of teamwork. We’re all in this together.
Would your friends describe you as “funny”?
1) OMG yes!
2) My friends always get on me for acting silly when we’re playing videogames and whatever. But when there’s a job to do, they know that I can flip the switch like THAT. That’s when they know the dawg is out to hunt. Back the fuck up.
Please complete the following sentence. “At the end of a long day, I like to unwind by _____.”
1) Having a glass of wine, maybe catching an episode of TV, or messing around on my phone.
2) Day’s never over. I’ll only sleep when one of us is dead, and it’s gonna be you lying there, cold and stiff on the ground. Believe that.
Must you protect this house?
1) We had Ring installed for this very reason!
2) Look me in the eye. This is OUR FUCKING HOUSE. No one comes into our house and fucks with us, you got me? Not them. Not their fans. Not Eric. No one. Fuck I’m so fired up right now I could kill a man.
Do you own a cat?
1) Yes.
2) Dawg…
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
1) Hopefully still happy and healthy.
2 ) Up in your wife.
OK! You’ve taken the quiz. Give yourself one point for every answer marked “1” and two for every answer marked “2.” Now add them up and see how you did!
10–12: You got that little bunny rabbit in you. Get the fuck out of my office.
13–14: You got that cat in you. Get the fuck out of my office.
15–16: You got that Ferdinand the bull in you. Get the fuck out of my office.
17–18: You got that dog in you, but he definitely came from a breeder. Cavalier King Charles-ass dog. Get the fuck out of my office.
19–20: Oh yeah, you got that junkyard dog in you. You’re our kinda dog.
