Look At This Asshole’s Asshole Truck

Look at this fucking thing.

That’s Colorado head football coach Deion Sanders. Sanders has already used his new job to exploit newly enacted NIL and transfer portal rules on a scale that no other coach has thus far dared to attempt. Coach Prime, as his truck now prefers you call him, will not only radically alter the Buffaloes’ program with this approach, but he could also change how the entire sport of college football conducts business if he pulls Colorado out of the Pac-12 basement in the process. I wouldn’t bet against him succeeding. But if the end result is more Americans like him buying more trucks like this, I’d like him to get fucked with his own chrome hitch.

You already know that pickup trucks are horseshit. You know how bad they are for the environment. You’ve seen them needlessly clogging up every grocery store parking lot, rendering the two adjacent spaces next to them unusable. These cars do not fit into our national infrastructure, because they were never meant to. They were meant to be trucks, not goddamn Christmas presents.

But that’s exactly what the automotive industry has made them into. You know that full-size pickup trucks have replaced SUVs as work vehicles that are rarely used for work, and are now purchased by the Karens and Codys of the world almost exclusively as luxury cars. You’ve seen the “We Will Rock You” ads. God, those fucking ads. You know, either from reading up or from sheer gut instinct, that 75 percent of pickup truck owners in America use their trucks for towing once a year or less. You know every person who owns one of these things and doesn't use them for vital labor deserves to be force-fed a barrel of 93 octane.

Coach Prime is now one such pickup truck owner. Look at him, all proud of his shitass car like he went to its mom’s house to recruit it. The only time he’s gonna use the flatbed is when he runs over a child and has to quickly transport its corpse to the CU physical plant to have it discreetly cremated. The front grille of this thing was responsible for January 6th. And what consumer vehicle needs a fucking exhaust stack? Unless this “super” truck runs on hickory chips and can barbecue a whole hog to optimal succulence overnight, that exhaust stack is about as useful as Colorado itself has been to the Pac-12. This is a car for people who wish their car could be a gun. It should be outlawed. I hope Deion loses every fucking game he coaches by 1,000 points and CU students roll this thing down a mountain in protest. Fuck him, fuck this truck, and fuck truck people.