Some people are fans of the Chicago Bears. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Chicago Bears. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Chicago Bears. Please don’t do the “Da Bears” thing. Society moved on long ago.
Your 2023 record: 7-10, including a four-game losing streak to open the season. The Bears were outscored in their first three games by a total of 106-47, but were nearly on the verge of getting off the schneid when they hosted a Denver Broncos squad that, just the week before, had given up 70 to Miami. The Bears took a 28-7 lead into the second half of that game. They held it all the way to the end of the third quarter, in fact. And then... well, some really just terrific things happened.
To call these Bears a disaster is to unfairly lump them in with all of the other disastrous Bears teams that preceded them. You tell me if you ever saw any past Bears team fire their defensive coordinator and their running backs coach midseason for unexplained HR reasons, or sign a bunch of pricey free agents in the offseason prior only to let Jordan Love hang 38 on them in Week 1, or give up give up 374 passing yards to Joe Flacco, 212 in the fourth quarter alone, to squander a 17-7 halftime lead in Cleveland. That’s no ordinary group of fuckups we’re talking about. These guys went the extra mile—by ground, of course; never by air—to explore the choking space.
But they did take care to sprinkle in plenty of Same Old Bears moments: putting up 203 total yards against the Chiefs, committing five turnovers to the world’s most average Saints team, blowing a 26-14 fourth-quarter lead in Detroit, putting its hopes in an undrafted D-II rookie at QB because their main QB was a running back, and playing a definitive Thursday Night Game in Carolina in which I could hear Al Michaels losing his will to live up in the booth. All of that scans as comfortably familiar, especially since the average Bears fan has spent their lifetime watching this team through five overlapping pairs of beer goggles. To love this team is to exist in an endless mental fog, with the occasional Tyson Bagent appearing out out the mist and imploring you to flee.
If you squinted—squinted so hard that you could read a highway sign from three miles away—you could see the seeds of progress beginning to sprout. GM Ryan Poles washed his hands of WR Chase Claypool by trading him midseason, gifted the team a pass rush threat by snatching Montez Sweat away from Washington before the trade deadline, and then watched with soft-chinned joy as his Bears locked down the No. 1 overall pick thanks to Bryce Young being terrible. Look close, again while squinting until your ocular nerves cramp, and you can see a vision taking shape. The Bears have direction now. They have talent. They have hope …
On paper. In reality, they must contend with having this clueless stump at the helm.
Your coach: Matt Eberflus? Still? Why? This asshole is 2-9 against losing teams in his career! He can’t even talk! He just opened the emergency SCAPEGOAT cabinet and got rid of five of his assistants after he’d already canned the other, sketchy two. This team’s head coachography is even sadder than its QBography, which is why none of Poles’s brilliant chess moves over the past few seasons will make a goddamn difference. Not when I’m supposed to believe that Eberflus is a whole new guy just because he decided to patronize a new dog groomer:
Holy shit, it’s like I’m looking at a movie star! Former Defector colleague and dear friend Kalyn Kahler wrote a whole story for ESPN about how Eberflus’s Queer Eye treatment has Bears Nation excited again. Of course it has. These people get excited when they see Pepsi on sale. It takes nothing to get a rise out of these sausagebloods. Hear it for yourself.
Flus' glow-up became the talk of the town. "The first thing I said [on the air] was, I know this is weird. He looks smarter!" says 670 The Score radio host Dan Bernstein.
If Eberflus ever starts wearing eyeglasses, these people will confer an honorary PhD upon him. Uwe Boll has lower standards.
Your quarterback: Again, we have to discuss the low-information voting bloc that is the Chicagoland area. For three years, Bears tried to figure out if Justin Fields was the answer. Some of them even wanted to keep Fields as the starter this year and NOT draft a QB at No. 1 overall, mostly because those same fans don’t know what actual quarterback play looks like. If you can’t figure out if your QB is good, that means he isn’t. Fields wasn’t, so Poles shipped him to Pittsburgh for a used loveseat and quickly drafted this fella to cap off the rebuilding process:
That’s former Heisman winner Caleb Williams, who was touted as the next Patrick Mahomes before his USC Trojans dropped five of their last seven and left him reduced to a puddle of sadboy tears over on the bench. But NFL scouts wrote that entire season off and were still like, No no no!! He’s still Mahomes 2.1! Last season was all his line’s fault! I am a Vikings fan. I know what it’s like to make excuses for your QB. I just had six years of practice in that fun little art. Those years are now lost forever, so don’t expect me to act shocked when Caleb Williams gets sacked exactly as much as Fields did, but looks super brave while doing it.
Your backup is still every sideline reporter’s favorite subject, Tyson Bagent.
What’s new that sucks: I’ll start with the good shit because I prefer to save my hatred for the end of the entree course. The Bears had two top 10 picks this spring, one of which they used on Williams and the other they used on Washington stud WR Rome Odunze. Odunze joins the freshly paid DJ Moore and Chargers legend Keenan Allen to form the best wideout corps in this team’s history. The bar for that honor is remarkably low, given that the most dangerous Bears wideout of my lifetime has been, like, Marcus Robinson. But still. You guys have actual pieces on offense now, including RB D’Andre Swift, TE Gerald Everett, and former Bills C Ryan Bates. I have never seen a Chicago offense like this, not even the 1985 vintage. Under new OC Shane Waldron, these guys could be a terror well into the next decade.
Too bad the defense is a piece of shit.
Sweat is still here, and the Bears locked in frequently injured CB Jaylon Johnson to a long-term deal to shadow the other team’s WR1 every game. Oh, and they got former All-Pro S Kevin Byard in free agency too, so that’s neat. But the D-line still ranks 27th in PFF’s projections, and there’s no proof that the whole unit’s resurgence in the back half of 2023 will carry over into this season. But go ahead and pretend that it will, because Poles wasn’t hired to make this team good, but rather respectable enough for his organization to stage clown shows like this without being laughed out of Cook County:
In case you missed it, the Bears have ditched their plan to move to East Bumblefuck and instead want to build a brand-new stadium right next to the stadium they just renovated. The renovation to Soldier Field cost Chicago taxpayers north of $600 million. This new stadium proposal will cost them four times that amount. It’ll never get done, but if it does, I hope Mrs. O’Leary’s cow walks into the construction site and knocks over a space heater.
What has always sucked: The corny-ass pastor Bears management hired to bless their new stadium project made sure to invoke 1985 while giving the Lord a reacharound. Let’s say that all of his prayers come true. Let’s say that the Bears get a Metlife Stadium to call their own. Let’s say that Williams really IS as advertised. And let’s say that Eberflus’s beard gives him oratorial powers he has, until now, lacked. Let’s say the Bears finally get their shit together. Does that sound appealing to you? Of course it doesn’t.
Because these fans won’t shut the fuck up about their last Super Bowl win, and that happened when Ronald Reagan’s wet nurse was president. I can’t fathom what kind of hideous demons they’d morph into if they get another ring. It’d be like when Peter Greene wrested the mask away from Jim Carrey. America would be overrun by 10-foot white boys who could lift triple their weight in caramel popcorn. They’d trample skyscrapers while shotgunning kegs of Old Style. Bits of food that fell out of their mouths would kill nearby children. And they’d still complain that Caleb doesn’t play tough enough in Bear Weather. I know it seems like Bears fans deserve good things after the past four decades, but God struck these humps down for a reason. Your brother-in-law would have an easier time staying humble. Fuck the Bears. Let them drown. At least that way, the Packers couldn’t embarrass them again.
What might not suck: I genuinely fear the Williams/Odunze combination. I have never feared a Bears offense. Congratulations.
HEAR IT FROM BEARS FANS!
Paul:
Just stuff me full of Portillos and throw my body in Lake Michigan.
Patrick:
They will fuck this up. As surely as the sun will rise, they will fuck it up. Fuck the double doink.
Jeff:
Caleb Williams is insanely talented but also has the top-prospect brain of "I don't need an agent," which always goes well. Dude tried to get his contract paid to an LLC until the NFL was like, "that is actually tax fraud."
Louis:
A large swath of our fanbase thinks Caleb Williams is gay because he paints his fingernails.
Brian:
We're the Cleveland Browns with one color switched.
Nick:
Jay Cutler was too lazy to go to January 6th.
John:
They lost the chance to draft Terry Bradshaw on a coin toss.
Dan:
On March 27th, I placed a $10 two-bet parlay on the White Sox and Bears both winning their division. When I made this bet the odds were +29600. Right now Fanduel will give me $0.11 to cash out. Fuck that noise. I'm hitting half this (I am not).
Zach:
They still have no center. Their left tackle was a fifth round pick who regressed last year yet he’s been awarded more job security than a five time All-Pro.
Eric:
Do Packer fans even consider us rivals anymore? Don't we actually have to win a game against them?
Mike:
They are owned by a person old enough to have owned slaves.
Mike:
You know when the new stadium opens it will be Sunday Night Football against GB and Rodgers will be there somehow on a one-game loan to the Packers
Mark:
The only culturally relevant thing to happen to this franchise in the last 35 years is an SNL skit that most fans are too dense to realize is making fun of them and not a homage to them.
Stephen:
Do you remember that feeling you got when Rodgers finally fucked off to New York? God that was a sweet feeling, wasn't it? Do you remember that good, happy little feeling died inside of you and began to rot and fester? For me, it was about five minutes into the first game of the season. Jordan Love shoved his fist down the Bears’ throats and that was that.
Scott:
I've been looking all my life for a quarterback to be better than, depending on your take, Jim McMahon or Jay Cutler. I'm moving to Packers country this fall so I get to have every failure of this generational QB prospect rubbed in my face by grease-and-cheese stained palms. Fuck me.
Patrick:
Kevin White and David Terrell were the two most recent first round WRs the Bears took in the draft. Rome Odunze doesn't stand a chance.
Brad:
We got ten games of Chase Claypool instead of four years of Joey Porter, Jr.
Dan:
In the 1900s, one of the greatest attractions at Yellowstone National Park was the bears. Rangers used to collect trash and dump it in the middle of a field where 50 to 60 bears would come and dine. The attraction became so popular the rangers placed grandstands around the field so that people would come and watch. The attraction was discontinued in the 1970s, but the McCaskeys must have learned from this history. If you put trash on the field, people will come to watch the Bears.
Matt:
Once again I am reminding you that it is NOT FUN to be a Bears fan.
Matt:
This is an organization that was completely caught off guard when the county tax board assessed their property in Arlington Heights to be worth $100 million more than when they bought the abandoned property (because they wanted to build a stadium there). They scrambled to try and get a ridiculous sweetheart deal with the city that has no chance of approval from anyone. I guess I have my doubts in their ability to develop Caleb Williams.
Paul:
Here are the QBs that defensive genius Matt Eberflus has defeated:
Trey Lance
Davis Mills
Bailey Zappe
Josh Dobbs
Sam Howell
Jared Goff
Taylor Heineke
Kyler Murray
Bryce Young
Brian Hoyer!!!!!!!
(Justin Fields)
((Caleb Williams))
Daniel:
We were discussing their QB options on a text chain, and I realized that regardless of whom they draft, he will be utterly and irrevocably broken, mentally and physically, by week 11, and they'll hand the keys to Brett Rypien. Fucking bleak, man.
Spencer:
A fanbase that has never experienced good QB play was in a state of civil war because some fans thought we were moving on too soon from a QB who is featured as a kick returner in the Madden '25 trailer.
John:
I’m 34. I still can’t afford to own my own home and the Packers still beat the shit out of the Bears in primetime. I told myself when they traded up to take Trubisky that I was done with them. I told myself that again that when they did the rug pull on Justin Fields.
Here I am now, writing this stupid email. I’m excited for Caleb Williams. I drafted him 1.01 in my dynasty league. I’m hopeful. I’m a fucking idiot.
Mark:
My family and I are immigrants to this country. When we first got here, none of us knew much about football, or much of American culture at all. That always felt isolating as a little kid, when the rest of your classmates are talking about celebrities or music or movies that you have no idea about. But then in 1985, with the whole city getting swept up in Bears mania, my parents let my sister and me buy a copy of The Super Bowl Shuffle. And not just any copy, but a shiny new VHS cassette of the music video! You have to understand how momentous this was. The only other music my parents ever allowed us to buy was Michael Jackson's Thriller and that was an audio cassette.
I played that VHS tape over and over and memorized every single line. My family and I learned the rules of football and started watching games. Finally, I could fit in with my classmates and talk about the Bears. It was glorious to finally feel American and be accepted as such. I have the ‘85 Bears to thank for that.
Fast forward 40 years. The Bears have sucked so hard for so long that revealing my fandom to anyone (including most people in Chicago not at risk of an early polish-sausage-induced death) risks making me a social pariah again. I mean, I get withering stares from Browns fans these days. Fucking Browns fans.
So thank you Bears for giving a poor immigrant kid a path into American culture. And fuck you for tossing me right out after a few years to be the butt of all my friends' jokes again. That song is so burned into me that on my deathbed, instead of remembering my daughters' names, or what my wife looked like on our wedding day, my dementia-addled brain will probably be singing "We stop the run, we stop the pass, I like to dump guys on their <whistle>". RIP Walter Payton and fuck Jim McMahon with a six-foot-tall mic stand.
Nick:
We’re lost in a past so distant that we might as well be Viennese yearning for a Habsburg comeback.
Corey:
In a city featuring the worst baseball team in the solar system, a basketball team more irrelevant than Joe Manchin, a sexual-assault hiding racist hockey team and the fucking Ricketts family, the Bears still find ways to be the biggest sporting embarrassment in Chicago.
Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: New York Jets.
