Some people are fans of the Minnesota Vikings. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Minnesota Vikings. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Minnesota Vikings. Yes, I am a Vikings fan. Stop laughing, or I won’t send Tim Walz over to your house to change your HVAC filter.
Your 2023 record: 7-10. Everyone said that the 2022 Vikings (who went 13-4 and won the division title) were a fraud, and that they’d inevitably regress to the mean. I fucking hated each and every one of the people who said that. I hated that they were so smug. I hated that they refused to give my boys credit for a succession of truly thrilling victories. And, of course, I hated that they were right.
Because they were. The 2023 edition of the Vikings sought to hasten their regression in any way they could: injuries, fumbles, picks, and other general Vikings-ness. Their albatross of a quarterback threw a brutal pick at the goal line to ruin what should have been an easy Week 1 win against the Bucs. They blew a valiant comeback attempt in Philly when their god-level wideout was victimized by the universally loathed end zone fumble rule. They then out-Chargersed the Chargers in one of the most hideous endings to a football game you’ll ever see. Late in the game, Brandon Staley went for it on fourth-and-1 at his own 24 to seal the win. Minnesota stoned that attempt, drove down to the 15, holstered their final timeout and let the clock burn (???!!!??!??!!), and then did this:
Things would get worse. The Vikes lost their best player to a torn hammy against the Chiefs, and then lost the game itself after the refs picked up a PI flag. That was the capstone to a 1-4 start where the Vikings fumbled the ball so many times that I was gleeful when any drive ended in a mere punt. And our punter sucked, mind you.
But then those same butterfingered Vikes ripped off three straight wins, including a fair-and-square thumping of eventual NFC champion San Francisco, to get back to .500. A week later, they were trashing the Packers in Green Bay and giving me a big ol’ purple bratwurst in my pants. And folks, that’s when karma paid its annual visit:
That was the last snap, no pun intended, that Kirk Cousins would ever take for Minnesota. After that, the monkey’s paw I bought from a seemingly trustworthy merchant curled with a cruel quickness. The Vikings would only win three more games the rest of the season. Minus Kirk, they staged a stunning last-minute victory in Atlanta that kicked off a nationwide one-night stand with Passtronaut Josh Dobbs. Dobbs would soon be benched in his third “win,” a 3-0 dirge in Vegas, in favor of Nick Mullens. Mullens was a vast improvement over Dobbs, but also would go on to throw for 400 yards and 58 picks in every subsequent game he played in.
Soon Vikings coaches had no choice but to bench Mullens too, this time for fifth-round rookie Jaren Hall, who got to start against Green Bay on Sunday Night Football on New Year’s Eve. I thought the kid had a chance to pull off the win. I was wrong. The Packers annihilated the Vikings, after which every member of the NBC crew openly blew Jordan Love on the field.
In each of the past three years, the Vikings have had a late-season game against Green Bay that had major playoff implications. They lost those games by a combined score of 111-37. On national television. Are you from Green Bay? I hope your family gets trapped under ice.
Your coach: Kevin O’Connell, who hates running the ball, can’t call a decent trick play to save his life, and insists on using a playbook that’s more ornate that an original Vatican print of the Douay–Rheims Bible. KOC’s offensive coordinator, Wes Phillips, was arrested for DUI this offseason (DUI will be a recurring theme here). His defensive coordinator, Brian Flores, is a strategic mastermind who kept his 2023 unit respectable right up until the moment that his only decent cornerback got hurt. When that happened, every opposing coach figured out that they could get first downs at will by throwing intermediate passes outside of the hashes. It was fun while it lasted.
Former Houston Texans crush Josh McCown is your new quarterbacks coach, and he’ll be trusted to serve as a vital mentor to …
Your quarterback: Sam Darnold. For the moment. The Vikings let Cousins walk (gingerly) to Atlanta this offseason and signed Darnold to a one-year deal to serve as a temp QB. You know Sam Darnold’s deal by now. We all do. The man’s most impressive year as a pro was in 2023, when he played zero meaningful snaps. But he was such a good teammate in San Francisco that some of my fellow Vikings fans—you know who you are—have talked themselves into Darnold flourishing on a team that has actual weapons on offense. You know why I haven’t bought into any of that horseshit? Because I don’t have to. I had to buy into Kirk, because he ate up more cap space than Seb Gorka’s head. Sam Darnold has no brains in his arm, and he’ll throw enough lazy picks over the first month of the season to cede his job to this young scamp …
That’s former Michigan QB J.J. McCarthy, whose hair alone makes hundreds of millions of Americans want him to bleed. McCarthy is the highest QB drafted in Vikings history. That’s an honor that previously belonged to Christian Ponder, before Ponder washed out and became famous exclusively for being married to ESPN’s hottest bigot. McCarthy is already being lauded around Eagan for being diligent and well-liked by his teammates. You know who else was just like that? The fucker I had to watch play QB for us for the past six years. Fuck a duck.
Mullens and Hall are still on the roster, presumably to be used as food.
What’s new that sucks: No Kirk. NO KIRK! HE’S GONE! I’m free. I feel like I’m naked and flying on a cloud!
[an editor reminds me that Minnesota also let legendary pass rusher Danielle Hunter skip town]
OK, but hear me out on that one. They lost Danielle, but then used his cap space to sign a capable EDGE in Jonathan Greenard and a multi-tool threat in former Dolphin Andrew Van Ginkel. And they got a steal in Dallas Turner in the back half of the first round. That’s more than even recompense for Hunter!
[that same editor reminds me that Van Ginkel had surgery this offseason for a Lisfranc injury, and that the last pass rusher the Vikings drafted in the first round was Erasmus James]
Oh yeah? Well what if I told you that we also signed former Texans LB Blake Cashman, huh? Bet you got nothing to whisper in my ear now!
[that same editor gestures to the cornerback room]
OK yes, the corners are a disaster. Promising second-year man Mekhi Blackmon tore his ACL on the first day of camp. Fourth-round pick Khyree Jackson died in a car accident. And their biggest free-agent signing at corner, Shaquill Griffin, was cut by Houston in the middle of last season and is already hurt. So we’re talking about a secondary that’s gonna need Byron Murphy and emergency signing Fabian Moreau to hold shit down until Stephon Gilmore’s agent squeezes our front office for $20 million guaranteed. In other words, we’re fucked.
The upside there is that we’ll lose every game 45-42. That’s because GM Kwesi Adofo-Mensah snatched up RB Aaron Jones after Green Bay cut him loose, and then gave long-awaited contract extensions both to Justin Jefferson and to LT Christian Darrisaw. Do I trust Darrisaw to ever stay healthy for a full season? I do not. Will I personally drive to Justin’s house and ask if I can feed his hamstring chicken soup to keep it intact? Yes. But still, this offense has a lot of cool shit going on. In fact, WR Jordan Addison is so good that the organization blew off the fact that he got loaded and fell asleep in a Rolls-Royce while still on the freeway! HOORAY! And T.J. Hockenson will be back from Dead Knee Syndrome after just a few weeks! The rest of the NFC North is in a panic, they don’t know what to do! (Every team in the division is better than us.)
We also ditched roulette wheel kicker Greg Joseph and replaced him with Bama legend Will Reichard. Reichard comes to Minnesota with a cannon leg and a sterling résumé, but I promise that we can beat all of that confidence out of him without much trouble.
What has always sucked: The interior lines. For the 97th consecutive season, the Vikings are rolling with three stacks of pennies working between the offensive tackles. Center Garrett Bradbury can’t stonewall any DT who clocks in over 200 pounds. Third-year guard Ed Ingram needs to improve just to suck. And the left guard is career backup tackle Blake Brandel. Our QBs should be allowed to wear jetpacks.
Meanwhile, all of the Vikings’ DTs are innings eaters like Harrison Phillips, guys who carry nice PFF scores despite hurrying the QB once per lunar cycle. Depth is a problem everywhere else, except for the safety room. The WR3 is a mop bucket. The RBs past Jones and Ty Chandler are nonexistent. 2022 draft picks Lewis Cine and Andrew Booth will be cut any second now. The opening schedule is a guaranteed 1-5 start. And over $20 million worth of Kirk is still on the books, which means that Adofo-Mensah can’t patch any more holes in this dinghy until March. So while this is perhaps the most exciting Vikings offseason that I can remember, it’s already doomed to result in a losing campaign that gives our worst Vikings fans an excuse to indulge in their doomer bullshit for the 65th straight year.
Here is where I remind you that this is the winningest team in NFL history to never win a title, and by a significant margin. And yet do I ever see the national media treat the Vikings like sentimental favorites? Nope, because they’re all too busy fawning over Dan Campbell for crying at the podium. We could lose a million Super Bowls (fingers crossed!) and still be the Baxters of the NFL. I’ve seen “Most tortured fanbase” listicles that put fucking COWBOYS fans above us. And whenever we play the Packers, the guys in the TV booth treat us as if we’re not even there. Do I ever see Vikings fans protest this erasure en masse? No, because they’re too busy feeling sorry for themselves. They’re meek, skittish, and pathetic. LOW ENERGY!
And the Vikings take cues from them. You think Sam Darnold sees ghosts at the first sign of adversity? We see fucking Hill House. We’re sad-sack dicks to each other when the Vikings lose, and after a win we’re even worse. Frankly, I don’t even know why I’m bothering to get my hopes up about this team when the Patrick Reusses of the world are primed to jerk off to their own smirks the second that McCarthy tosses his first pick. If I could trade our fanbase for the Eagles’ fanbase, I’d do it in a second. That’s not a joke. Show me the magic button and I’ll push it.
Bud Grant never won dick.
What might not suck: Again, no Kirk. God, that feels great. In fact, the Vikings did everything I hoped they’d do this offseason, which never happens. I legit do not mind if we go 6-11 this season (I totally mind), because everything is set up for 2025 to open up a championship window that, for the first time in my fandom, will stay open longer than five months.
And lemme tell you why McCarthy will win us a Super Bowl down the road: because fate demands it. I have waited decades for that moment, so of course the guy who will make it happen is a kid that every other fanbase already fucking despises. You will gouge out your own eardrums when Collinsworth likens J.J. to Tom Brady for the 500th time on national TV. Meanwhile, I’ll be busy morphing into every fan I’ve ever loathed. NO ONE BELIEVES IN US!
HEAR IT FROM VIKINGS FANS!
Adrian:
Well at least we're not the Falcons, I guess.
Kevin:
They've somehow managed to eclipse the Tommy Kramer/Keith Millard era Vikings in drunk driving.
Zachary:
I fear I’m going to sincerely miss Kirk Cousins, of all people, by Week 3.
Daniel:
Kirk still better than anyone the Vikings have actually drafted in my 47 years as a fan.
Kyla:
One of them got arrested for a DUI a week after ONE OF HIS OWN TEAMMATES WAS KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER.
Adam:
The Timberwolves did real basketball shit last season, so it needs to be balanced out with a baseball team slashing payroll and a wide receiver getting arrested. Next up, a team boat ride on Lake Minnetonka.
Shaun:
I said I would shave my head into a mullet, with Vikings horns stenciled into the sides, if the Vikings beat the Bills two years ago. We did. I followed through with my degenerate haircut. That ensuing Sunday, the Vikings lost to the Cowboys 40-3.
I told my friends at a bachelor party that if the Wolves beat the Nuggets to go to the Western Conference Finals, I would get “Naz Reid” tattooed on my leg. Wolves won (I'm wearing a Bring Ya Ass t shirt as I write this), and I scheduled my tattoo appointment. The night I got the tattoo, the Mavs cruised to an easy Game 5 blowout win after putting up a 69-40 lead in the first half.
Dale:
They did it! They took the least exciting, most run-heavy quarterback in the draft! Now I’ll get to hear Paul Allen scream “JJ TO JJ” after every 5-yard completion that leaves them 10 yards short of converting for first down.
Eric:
People here are excited about Sam Fucking Darnold. Jesus Christ, I hate this team.
Brian:
Drew has the cushiest gig in the world being Gen X Peter King, and he couldn't even be relied on to do all of this year’s WYTS entries. Why should we expect the Vikings to meet expectations either?
Connor:
The Vikings were the Joe Biden of the last NFL season: milquetoast and occasionally interesting but for all the wrong reasons.
Zach:
Fuck this team for making me use the word “unfortunately” in my father’s obituary. Fuck them harder for making my son have to do the same one day.
Notch:
If Kevin O'Connell wasn't Sean McVay's coffee boy the year they won a Super Bowl, he'd be an underwear model for Dick's Sporting Goods. The Middle East is more stable than Vikings Twitter.
Michael:
Instead of Christmas presents my entire family got tickets to the Vikings game in Vegas. Including my fiancé, who doesn't like football and really deserves some kind of medal for sitting through that game.
Frank:
JJ McCarthy looks like he played Preppie Bully #2 in an 80s sleepaway camp comedy.
Jim:
Their owner looks like a silent movie villain.
Josh:
Drew Pearson pushed off.
Caitlin:
I watched that Dorktown documentary about the Vikings last winter and when we got to the Gary Anderson missed field goal my husband was genuinely shocked by how much it still upsets me to this day.
Kim:
In 2022, our defense was absolute trash and we won 13 games. In 2023, Brian Flores threw eight guys at the quarterback every play despite our defense being made of a routinely burned out Danielle Hunter and Josh Metellus playing seven spots at once. Somehow that worked for a few weeks before God realised that he had to kick us in the nuts.
Jack:
Our head coach plays more conservatively then William F. Buckley when the game is on the line. Our new QB’s biggest career achievement so far is getting mono. Our QB of the future can’t throw a baseball for the life of him. I can’t believe Nick Mullens still has a job. I have resigned myself to the fact that the end of the 2017 NFC Divisional game will be the most joy I will ever get out of this team.
Jensen:
Will Jordan Addison be arrested for driving a lawn mower down an airport runway while high on bath salts? Probably.
Kevin:
If Jordan Love turns out to be a HoF QB, it’s proof that God is dead and we’re alone.
Mark:
They actually used a draft pick on a kicker. It doesn't matter how good he is; Vikings kickers are like Spinal Tap drummers.
Tyler:
Kirk Cousins took a piece of my soul. It's gone forever. I'm never getting back the six years he took from me. Like getting divorced from someone you never truly loved but stuck with because you feared that was the best you were going to get. At least I no longer have to pretend I care about quarterback rankings that have him below the likes of Jared Goff and Geno Smith.
Josie:
A group of seven of us went to Las Vegas for the Raiders game. One of the couples got crippling food poisoning from the sushi they ate the night before and started throwing up at the stadium. They left early. We were seated in the end zone. The only time the ball came near us was for the winning field goal. I think our friends with the exploding digestive tracts had a better time.
To top it off, my wallet was deemed an inch too long at the gate and I had to throw it away to get into the stadium. Had to go buy a new one after the game.
Tim:
My dad and I drove from Nebraska to the infamous January 1999 NFC championship game vs. Atlanta, supremely confident that it would be nothing but a great time. What made that loss especially painful, and something that doesn’t get mentioned nearly enough,isn’t the missed field goal by Gary Anderson. Right before that fateful kick, everyone around me started chanting, “Super Bowl! Super Bowl! Super Bowl!” To my father’s horror, I stood on my chair and just starting ripping everyone around me a new one, “Don’t you know the history of this team?!? What the hell are you all doing?!?” I knew Anderson was going to miss it before it even left the tee. I wanted to murder the world, but mostly the drunken morons in my section. My dad and I didn’t speak a word the whole ride home. Five hours. Plus, I had to go back to Nebraska.
I didn’t take a personal day after that NFC championship game, so I had to teach the next day. I walked into my 8th grade PE class and the most popular boy in the class immediately started doing the Dirty Bird. That little bastard has no idea how lucky he is to be alive today.
Daniel:
Fuck it. Here I stand, heart agape. Here's to hope and the new season. Bring the pain.
Luke:
Also fuck you Sean Payton and Kerby Joseph. You both can eat shit.
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