Why Your Team Sucks 2024: New York Jets

Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: POP POP POP!!!

Your 2023 record: N/A. The record book says the Jets went “7-10” a year ago. But when you trade for a brand-name QB, sign every Turtle in that QB's entourage to make him happy, and then watch that QB’s foot go SPROING!!! four snaps into the campaign, everything that happens afterward becomes moot. The Jets actually won that accursed first game of the season, against Buffalo no less. They even broke their 15-game losing streak to the Patriots. But I didn’t watch any of that and neither did you. No matter how hard the Jets try, and it's a welcome surprise if they try, nothing they do ends up mattering.

Were the Jets any other franchise, they would’ve learned a few valuable things from the nonseason they just had. First off, don’t let Zach Wilson be the best QB option left on your roster, especially on days where he doesn’t even want to play. All Zach Wilson does is fuck your mom and get tackled by air. Not optimal.

Secondly, don’t keep pace with the Chiefs all the way into the fourth quarter only to let the refs decide the game on a bullshit holding penalty. Don’t field a pass-blocking unit so awful that the Jay Cutler–era Bears line is a model of excellence by comparison. Don’t let Wilson throw the ball late in games. Don’t get shut out 30-0 by a Dolphins team that didn’t even dress Tyreek Hill. Don’t lose to Atlanta because you started the one QB alive (Tim Boyle) who’s worse than both Zach Wilson and Desmond Ridder. Schedule as many games against the Giants as you can, even if Congress drafts a bill to prevent that from happening. Don’t put Nathaniel Hackett on your payroll. And never, ever let your injured starter stage a transparently phony comeback effort after tearing his fucking Achilles just weeks prior.

Those are the lessons. All very basic, actionable shit. If the Jets weren’t the Jets, they would’ve used 2023 as a clear sign that they needed to remodel from the top down. They didn’t. Hence…

Your coach: Robert Saleh, who’s more in over his head than a new parent. This man is a brilliant defensive mind who also happens to be a pushover in every other regard. That’s why he barely counts as a head coach at all, especially when he’s got this charming fella giving him marching orders:

Your quarterback: Egyptian magician Aaron Rodgers, who’ll be tapped as an emergency replacement for J.D. Vance any second now. Remember last year, when Rodgers showed up at Jets OTAs and everyone was like, “OMG he’s a whole new man! He really likes living in Jersey!” Nope. Wrong. He’s the exact same attention-starved dipshit he’s always been. WHO’D HAVE FUCKING GUESSED? Not me.

I could make every Aaron Rodgers joke here that I’ve been making since 2020, but that’s not even fun anymore. I am so, so sick of this man. I’m sick of every photo of him arriving at training camp looking like an indie-label head of state. I’m sick of him trying to pick fights with Travis Kelce by tagging him with a nickname that even Donald Trump would find hacky. I’m sick of him going on Best Damn Pat McAfee Show to formally announce that he’ll be going to Orangetheory later that day. I’m sick of him making more fake boasts than a 14-year-old virgin.

Oh, and I’m sick of watching him play football, because he can’t do it anymore.

Rodgers was pedestrian in his final season in Green Bay, and you want me to think that he’ll be BETTER two years later? With a paper clip holding his leg together? I’m not Albert Breer, man. I have a functioning brain.

The same, alas, can’t be said for this ancillary division of Johnson & Johnson. The Jets had the 10th pick in this spring’s draft. They could have drafted a QB as both insurance for when Rodgers goes down again (any minute), and as a building block for with an otherwise loaded young roster. But they had no interest in doing that. They were just like, Let’s blindly assume that the Achilles thing won’t happen to Aaron again! We’ll be just fine! I have no fucking idea what kind of spell Rodgers cast on this front office. It was probably one that one of his ex-fiancées gave him, with dolphin eye somehow factoring into the incantation. I don’t know. I don’t care. I just want this man to take a spirit walk off a cliff face. Alas, a second Achilles tear will have to suffice.

With Zach Wilson mercifully shipped out of town, your new backup is Immaculate Grid legend Tyrod Taylor. Behind him is rookie Jordan Travis, who I loved at Florida State before his leg got turned into a Jimmy Dean breakfast patty.

What’s new that sucks: The Jets are forever going all-in just to win seven games, and this offseason was no different. To fix the pass protection, they signed two big-name free-agent tackles in Morgan Moses and Tyron Smith, and also drafted a hog in the first round with Penn State OT Olumuyiwa Fashanu. These new guys should be able to open up holes more easily for stud RB Breece Hall, and they should keep Rodgers clean enough for him to flick the ball 50 yards downfield to all pro–level WR Garrett Wilson in a pinch. That’s if they stay healthy. They won’t. Moses is older than his biblical namesake, and Dallas let Smith walk because he’s missed 38 games in the past four years. I don’t know why anyone would bother watching the Jets this season when they’re about to have the exact same shit happen to them all over again.

On the other side of the ball, this is still one of the best defenses in the league. Not only do the Jets still have the Williams brothers anchoring the front seven, they also have the best corner tandem in the league. They also just signed lineman Javon Kinlaw and pass rusher Haason Reddick to put even more pressure on opposing QBs. Reddick is currently holding out, which led to one of the more remarkable vivisections of the English language by Josina Anderson. But every player who holds out on the Jets gets the organization to fold. So I’m not concerned, even if acclimation periods are important astofore practice-like situations and/game enactments. If the Jets fail to make the playoffs this season, it won’t be this defense’s fault. Why, Sauce Gardner is already set to blame any season-long mishaps squarely on the Jews. Aaron Rodgers is not a good locker room influence.

Free-agent arrival Mike Williams is Allen Lazard, minus the friends in high places. The schedule is harder than Favre’s dongshot.

What has always sucked: I implied up above that the Jets were stupid for passing on a QB in the draft, but I elided the list of QBs they’ve drafted high in my lifetime. Here’s what that In Memoriam montage looks like:

• Zach Wilson
• Sam Darnold
• Christian Hackenberg
• Geno Smith
• Mark Sanchez
• Kellen Clemens
• Chad Pennington
• Browning Nagle
• Ken O’Brien
• Richard Todd

O’Brien is the best QB on that list. The Jets drafted him in 1983. Now you can understand why they’d let Aaron Rodgers rent out their entire franchise to host an extended fecal transplant retreat. This is the thirstiest ballclub in the NFL. Like Rodgers, the Jets will do anything to get attention. They’ll import washed up free agents. They’ll ask for Hard Knocks cameras to invade team HQ, because they think that’s good luck. And they’ll talk shit that they never end up backing up. Other woebegone NFL franchises—the Lions, the Bills, the pre-Deshaun Watson Browns—tend to be sentimental favorites. But no one out there wants good things for the Jets, because they’ve met Jets fans (awful) and because they’ve been to New York (expensive, nonfunctional). Imagine Aaron Rodgers actually winning them the Super Bowl this year, with Fireman Ed getting a spot on the dais for the trophy presentation. Doesn’t that make you want America destroyed by some sort of extraterrestrial plasma gun? Of course it does. The Jets are common football trash, and will forever deserve to be.

Rodgers will get hurt in October and Saleh will say, "The team is 100 percent behind him!" while excusing his QB to go on a multi-week hunt for of the Chinese lab worker who invented COVID. Tyrod Taylor will get pressed into action and throw short of the chains on third-and-12 multiple times a game. Garrett Wilson will request a trade by midseason. Everything will fall apart the exact same way it did a season ago, because that’s simply how the Jets are, now and forever. Join us in the spring when they pass on drafting Quinn Ewers because Rodgers bought Joe Douglas a box of organically sourced chocolates.

What might not suck: The defense alone could help the Jets do a repeat of the 2023 Browns playoff season. Or even the 2000 Ravens season! They might just win the Super Bowl! And scientists could discover that my piss cures cancer! YOU NEVER KNOW.

HEAR IT FROM JETS FANS!

Stephen:

Our QB skipped work to do drugs. This is the most likeable thing about him.

Michael:

All that for four fucking snaps. Four snaps, and then a solid five months of the worst quarterbacking in NFL history.

Zach (not Wilson):

Aaron Rodgers' run out of the tunnel lasted longer than his season.

Andrew:

They left a fucking roster spot open for him! I hope he tears it again THREE plays into the season this time.

Jasper Wang:

I honestly was rooting for Rodgers to miss the season to be RFK Jr.'s running mate.

Chet:

Robert Saleh cemented his legacy with the Jets with that look on his face after Rodgers went down. You know the one. The thousand yard stare: the look of a man who just tiptoed through a corpse filled warzone only to find himself face to face with his enemy. Saleh responded to that injury by turning into a paranoid psychopath and treating his staff like he was trying to ferret out Jeffery Wigand. The kicker is that he and the rest of the coaching staff (including noted Human Tit Nathaniel Hackett) got to come back, to see what hilarious new rakes the team can step on in 2024.

Jake:

The Jets have not made the playoffs since I was in the seventh grade. 

David:

I’ve worked at the same job for the last 12 years and not once did they make the playoffs in that stretch.

Reid:

The GM that drafted Zach Wilson second overall is still in charge.

Will:

Rodgers called Vladimir Putin, "an interesting, thoughtful, smart individual " in an interview with Tucker Carlson. Every part of that sentence is putrid beyond belief and Woody Johnson is a cancer.

Alex:

I hope we lose every game 49-0 and Rodgers gets incurable rubella by Week 7.

Andrew:

I was at a September game in the old stadium with my dad, uncles, and grandpa. The Jets were playing the Patriots on an overcast day. In the second half, the Jets go down by two scores and we debate whether to leave as it starts to drizzle. We decide to stay for one more drive. On that drive, the Jets throw a pick six. As we get up from our seats in the upper deck, it begins to downpour. That is what it is like to be a Jets fan.

Charles:

Do I REALLY want the thing I’ve been waiting my whole life for to end with Aaron Rodgers and Donald Trump gleefully holding a Jets jersey as Trump announces Rodgers as his new surgeon general? I’m going to watch the Giants’ Hard Knocks now too see if anyone on it is remotely likable.

Max:

Our current coach is winning about as much as Adam Gase. But because he carries himself with the confidence of a strength and conditioning coach who’s about to tear his bicep on an ego lift, people think he’s good. 

Mike:

I bought my newborn daughter a Jets onesie and decided it would at least make for a cute photo for my parents during the Jets opener. Onesie goes on, we take a photo of proud dad passing the generational trauma onwards, and then Aaron Rodgers’ Achilles tendon explodes. My exact quote in that moment was, “Get that shit off our kid.”

Thomas:

Football Elon Musk getting a season ender after four plays so he can spend more time in front of camera griping about how he’s misunderstood about Sandy Hook was just ripping the band aid off quickly. Can’t wait to find out what that Cybertruck of an experimental Achilles surgery will do to Rodger’s Achilles in 2024.

At least the Mormon is a problem for Colorado’s milfs now.

Michael:

I spent the first five years of my life in Upstate New York. I went on errand runs with my mom in the back of my family's light blue Chevy Nova. Whenever we got gas, I would scoot over and unroll the window to deeply inhale the gorgeous smell of gas emanating from the pump.

I chose the Jets simply because their colors matched the Hess gas stations where I used to huff gas as a four year old. I would like to believe my story is unique, but seeing Jets fans for 44 years since makes me doubt that. 

JC:

Don't laugh too loud, Jordan Love. Guess where you're going when you're washed....

James:

My best moment as a Jets fan, by a considerable margin, is watching Ryan Fitzpatrick beat the Patriots in Week 16 of 2015.

Thomas:

I'm still pissed about a 2017 loss to the Patriots because Austin Sefarian-Jenkins should have scored and it's a game we still would have lost. 

Hugo:

They have given me so little joy, so few moments of genuine happiness, that the NFL season has become an annual exercise in purgatorial suffering for me. We haven't had a winning record since Ellie Goulding last had a hit song, and even then we managed to somehow miss out on the playoffs. 

Jordan:

The long-time fans knew better. Nothing ever changes. I was in college the last time this team made the playoffs. Since that time I have lived in three different cities, met my wife, changed careers, got married, bought a house, had a baby, and seen that baby become a toddler.

The Jets suck because they've made me tired, Drew. I'm so tired. I'm tired of waiting for this team to be respectable. I just want to watch a couple of playoff games. That’s all.

Lennon:

I still watch all their games every year like the stupid asshole I am.

Nick:

I was at the buttfumble game for my dad’s birthday gift. Nothing like seeing Gronk go for a long-ass touchdown, a buttfumble, and a fumble landing in Edelman's arms on the ensuing kickoff within the span of a few minutes, only to see fireworks go off when we kicked a field goal to be down 25 at half.

I used to go to games as a kid. I thought it was perfectly reasonable for grown ass adults to fight, including with security personnel and state troopers during the third-quarter of every game. "Let's watch for yellow jackets” (AKA security) was a common phrase up in the nosebleeds for when you knew things were going to get spicy. I watched a guy take a swing at a state trooper only to be hogtied, cuffed, and carried down the stairs by a bunch of troopers and security personnel. At least he didn’t have to watch the fourth quarter.

Mike:

I lost my dad on 9/11 when I was six years old. My dad was a huge Jets fan, and as an adult I've found that following the team allows me to feel a connection to him. Last season, things were set up perfectly for us for the first time in ages. The excitement was palpable as we headed into our primetime home opener against the Bills, which happened to be on September 11th.

I shared old photos of my dad and me in Jets gear that whole day. We all know what happened next. Instead of a Super Bowl, Dad and I got another absolutely dogshit Jets season. I hate this team so much.

Geoff:

The Jets spent the offseason trying to fire Nathaniel Hackett and couldn't get anyone to take the job, then held OC tryouts in minicamp between him and Todd fucking Downing. Sauce Gardner is their best player and will be suspended for the entire year for getting roped into a human trafficking scheme with Adin and Andrew Tate. When they last had a future HOF QB, he sent pictures of his dick to a reporter and that's still less nauseating than putting up with Aaron Rodgers. The fanbase's favorite player is the fucking punter. It's the most talented roster in my lifetime and they're still going to win seven games. You know it, I know it, and deep down every miserable Jets fan knows it. 

Fuck Woody Johnson, fuck Aaron Rodgers, fuck Doug Brien, and fuck my dad for introducing me to this fucking team. 

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